The EX Factor

No matter how I think we grow, you always seem to let me know…it ain’t working-Lauryn Hill

Your former lover, a person you dated, a past boyfriend, a previous girlfriend: The EX. I think some Exes make it easy for you to HATE them and although HATE is such a strong word and wasted energy…it’s often the first emotion felt when you discover that your hearts and desires no longer match. And it’s the despair you feel when it seems as if you’ve exhausted all efforts while the other person hasn’t contributed to trying to make things work.

And what about that word: TRYING? I was once told that “trying doesn’t feel natural.” This can be true on so many different levels. (Trying) can feel forced or annoying; but not usually for the person who is T-R-Y-I-N-G to make things work. That person usually feels born-again and wants to do whatever it takes to get him or her back. They’re given this new found energy and appreciation for what once was; while finding sensibility in things unnoticed and untouched during the previous relationship.

Well…why weren’t these things discovered when you were together? Why does it sometimes take an ending for there to be a beginning? Well my friends, I think the answer is as simple as the cliché often heard in songs, movies, from friends and even from your mother…”you don’t know what you’ve got ‘till it’s gone.”

So what makes you want to try AGAIN? Maybe because of a misunderstanding? Perhaps one of you f*cked up? Or maybe it’s because you don’t want to face the cold world of dating all over AGAIN?! Starting over requires you to pay attention & take notes. You have to be open to discovering and embracing a new person’s likes, dislikes, friends, family, quirks, insecurities, hopes, dreams, style & smell…yup...their smell. Thhhhhhhhhhhhen you have to decide if it’s worth pursuing or if you’d like the pursuit of you to continue.

Once that decision is made, then what? Then comes that thing grown-ups do which can be a bit tricky or detrimental if you’re not careful. S.E.X! Sex can be a major factor in a relationship, right? It can make you stronger or tear you apart. I’ve never been the one to put sex over emotions nor has sex brought me closer to a person emotionally. But I will admit to sex being better because of the emotional connection and I believe that deep down inside that is what a lot of us strive for.

But I digress…we are talking about the EX factor…the person you were t-r-y-i-n-g again with, sexing, and the one who may have given you new inspiration, hope, and a thirst you never thought you’d attain. But the catch is…he or she is the EX! And they are the EX for a reason! And if he or she doesn’t feel the same way you do, they will remain the EX, and so will you.

For most of my dating life I’ve been notorious for going back to Exes. I’ll admit there was a comforting feeling there. Why? Because we naturally gravitate to what we know. We find safety in the familiar. And even if it’s an unhealthy situation that has all the signs pointing to NO WHERE…we still pull towards that direction and become deaf to that gut feeling in our stomach that told us NOT to go that way in the first place. Ugh!

I had a situation that never had a good stretch. We just never had enough time to truly get to know each other and grow. For a while we kept trying here and there, (if and when we both had time and were both sort of available.) But the unavailability issue was mostly him and not me. And since I was the one who always remained “cool” and made sure we kept in touch…I indirectly gave him permission to never have to put in any work. NEVER. Then I got used to my position or position(s). I was the friend…the communicator…the excuse acceptor…the down for anything chick…the supporter…the selfless cheerleader…the one always excited when he would come around or called, even if it was late night…the one who came AFTER, family, work, friends, and other chicks who for some strange reason made the girlfriend club while I remained patient and understanding that “timing” was always our issue. Hmmmm…But in actuality I had no real position and didn’t know I was setting myself up to be hurt.

Why do we ignore the signs? Why did I ignore what he’s been telling me without verbally having to tell me? Let me tell you…some people are more upfront with their actions and don’t need words.

Can I get a witness?

And you would think one would get the hint if every time you call…you get voicemail or a response via text. Or when you think you are being supportive by giving them space, they’re opening that space up to others who may comfort them in a way you aren’t privileged to know about. And little sincere gestures you make in an effort to show you care are met with resistance and doubt, (as if you lied and made up your feelings and your parents really named you AGENDA, first name HIDDEN.) How about when you find yourself n-e-v-e-r being asked if there’s anything you need…especially when this time you’re the one in need? It hurts when he or she doesn’t check in on you during your off-season(s), right? ‘Cause when you two are not dating each other…to them you do NOT exist! ---> NOT EVEN ON YOUR BIRTHDAY :(

And if you’re really unsure about whether or not their actions are speaking LOUDLY enough…try being “friends” with them on a social media networking website like Facebook, Twitter or MySpace! You’ll truly know how they feel about you when you see them playing with their internet friends and updating their statuses with subliminal messages while your phone DOES NOT ring or messages you wrote are ignored.

Giving yourself when the person isn’t listening to you, investing in you, feeling you or is just plain NOT into you can be a wake-up call you didn’t expect, but needed…Trust me. Why? Because IN YOUR MIND, he or she is supposed to notice that you are different from all the rest. They’re supposed to notice that you are “special.” They’re supposed to love being around you the way others do. They’re supposed to pay close attention to detail and enjoy your quirky ways…the way the person you are NOT pursuing does. You know that person, right? It’s the HE or SHE who says all the right things and does everything you want the EX to do. Damn shame. Then you find yourself being the same cold person to that someone else that your ex is being to you. That is what just happened to me and I hurt that someone as a result of all this. I kept paying storage fees on a heart that was empty…meanwhile someone else had room for me with no charge.

Soooooooooo…in comes that word HATE I spoke about earlier. It’s such a horrible word that leads to a world of misery and resentment. I ask myself if I HATE him and eeeeeeeeevery day my answer changes. Or maybe in actuality I HATE myself for caring for him all willy nilly. And my heart feels heavy because anything that reminds me of him (lately) turns my smile into a frown…even though he didn’t beat me up, spit on me, call me names, or force me to do anything. But sometimes neglect and selfishness can leave you with so much distress that you mistake hurt for HATE…and that’s where I’m at now people!

But guess what? Most Exes are doing what they’re supposed to be doing…Loving him or her-self and putting themselves FIRST. Isn’t that what we all are supposed to be doing? If we did, we wouldn’t be worried about the EX and we’d make room for the next…get it? I know some things are easier said than done…and situations that end amicably don’t always remain amicable. However, I don’t think anyone sets out to be bitter, hurt or vexed. Nor do I think the EX is always deliberate and calculated with his or her actions…or lack thereof. But they sure don’t make it easy by giving mixed signals or living in the “grey area.” And clarity & closure were not their major or minor in the University of Life. So f*ck it! You want c-l-o-s-u-r-e? Close the sh*t yourself.

Make the last straw THE ABSOLUTE last straw. Walk forward, not backwards. Lopsided relationships are not sexy or fashionable. Besides…your friends are tired of hearing about it, he or she is NOT trying to have “the talk” again and the stress shows in your face and hardens the heart. Believe me…I KNOW!

Lessons are blessings that come in so many forms and I thank GOD it took someone I love, NOT to love me back in order for me to realize that my love should be earned and not taken for granted…even if he has NO CLUE. And if he doesn’t see it and neeeeeeeever gets it…well then! That’s yet another reason he’ll remain the EX-Factor.

1 year older and 1 day wiser…Happy Birthday to me!

For Supa, Porscha, Jeff, Yaz & Raedawn…xoxoxoxoxo

Claudia “Mocha” Jean

“See I know what we’ve got to do…You let go, and I’ll let go too…‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you…and no one ever will…”

http://www.rhapsody.com/lauryn-hill/the-miseducation-of-lauryn-hill/ex-factor/lyrics.html

A Letter to My DJ

Whadddup stranger? Master of Melodies, Neo-Sound Explorer, Crowd Motivator, and Conductor of F-L-O-W…I miss you and I want you back. Lately you’ve been plenty predictable, sometimes not even noticeable…because frankly, the DJ is no longer the center of the universe. You are an accessory.

You’ve got me feeling empty, uncomfortable, unmotivated, and contemplating whether I should leave for good…

But back in the day you had me dancing in circles…flirting with me from your booth, playing record after record, giving me no other choice but to stay until the crack of dawn….”Okay one more song and we’re out!” But then 2 minutes later…”Oh-no-he-didn’t!” Suddenly I’d find myself willingly stuck…greeting you with a smile as both the lights in the room and sun came up.

I remember you in Junior High when the principal allowed you to DJ our school dances. You gave me my first of many musical experiences…which were rarely played in my home. Not that I grew up restricted, but music didn’t play an integral role in my upbringing. So when you came along, I was hooked! I was a fiend for your mixes and searched the radio frantically for the sounds you played. I practiced new dances in the mirror and my neighbor and I would get our routines together so when you dropped THAT record…we’d be on it.

In high school, life with you got easier and we had the ultimate connection. You influenced my style and had me walking to your beats in my head every time I hit the pavement. My mom was a bit more open to the idea of having you in the house and my sister and I danced to your mélanges in the attic. Once a week I took my allowance, bought a vinyl, and tried to copy your style. Friends would come over and beg to know where I got THAT from! Everyone wanted a dub! Let’s not forget the DJ-over-the-phone-game….Haaaaaaa! Remember those days? “I dedicate this song to you!” (Insert mix tape, press play, lay on the pillow, phone to the ear, breathe…)

But what’s a full high school experience without the House parties!? The chaperones were upstairs while us girls were in the basement, pinned up against a wall by a cutie grinding against our hips. The only light in the entire room came from the corner where your turntables and records were set up. I remember how hyped we’d get when we’d hear the hint of an instrumental creeping in while you faded out that last song, right before you put the record back in the crate. B.L.E.N.D.I.N.G.

In college you were the shhhhhhhhhhhhhit! You set the mood, pace, and dress code for all that was happening on and off campus. We didn’t listen to the radio to hear the newest hit…we went to the parties and witnessed YOU breaking records in for the first time. There were too many parties to choose from and it was often hard to commit to one. So we went to them all and watched you work the room with your hand maneuvering and musical selection. Your match-making skills were impeccable as well. You always seemed to know what to drop at that exact moment a Shorty decided to join another on the dance floor…singing all in each other’s ear…Who could hold up the wall with you spinning? And I remember back then…it was okay to sweat, (because it was a sign that you had a good time!) So we all went home W.E.T.

Later I learned more from you during my internships and various industry gigs. That’s when I decided I may want to try this all myself. I took notes and appreciated the fact that you came in many forms and gave variety its definition. Seems like in those days you had a bit more freedom to play what you thought was “hot” vs. what management dictated you should play. Now you seem to want to please too many people from record labels, to corporate America, to your critics who seem to get younger and more disconnected from what REAL music is. *sigh*

And don't get me wrong...I know you feel the pressures of mainstream/commercial radio. You feel like you need to play what's “HOT” right now. (Look at your sources!) Between the music video shows, radio stations playing the same song 2-3 times an hour at-the-same-time, manufactured BEEFS between camps just to guarantee a major hit, and club owners, promoters & PD’s choreographing your play list….I’m surprised you still have the energy or desire to keep going. But once we started to predict the order of songs you’d play….we discovered a bigger problem. Plus you squeeze in so many songs in one set! There’s no need to prove what you have in your collection! We know you have it…you’re supposed to. You’re a DJ.

Remember when you were the headliner? Today DJ’s doesn’t get the same amount of respect. It’s the year of the IPods and the new way to blend which we call…the UNBLEND: cutting off records which sound more like nails on a chalk board. Now what do we have to look forward to besides open bar and the occasional live performance from an artist? Shout outs over a Biggie beat?

Let me remind you of YOU and your worth:

YOU were the reason we wanted to get to the club at a decent time…not because of free drinks before midnight. YOU were the determining factor on whether or not we should even go! But if we saw your name on the flyer, not even the flakey door guy could keep us from you! YOU were what we talked about on the way there and when we left the party. YOU were the reason we didn’t necessarily need a dance partner…eyes closed, one hand in the air, following YOUR lead…vibing with YOU. YOU were the KING of the mid day mix and the surprise guest at the summer barbeques. YOU were the most important detail at the wedding, step show, after party, and yes….the club. Promoters didn’t tell you how much they’d pay you, YOU’d tell them. YOU broke records in a non conventional way and were the stamp-of-approval artists needed in order to get sales. The DJ’s cosign was like gold and you were respected because of that. Now artists are sh*tting on DJ’s like they sh*t on bloggers and in this day of technology….they need both.

So I dare YOU to bring YOU back. I double-dog-dare-you to play MUSIC vs. a slew of curses and derogatory terms disguised as a mix. I dare you to keep your shout outs to a minimum and I challenge you to NOT play that one current popular record more than 2 times tonight. Sheesh! Let’s see if you can get me up from my table, on to the middle of the dance floor. You think I wore these heels NOT to be seen? C’mon Son!

I don’t mean to be harsh, but I need you to know this…because I’ve no-ticed. I miss you, but not from a lover’s point of view, but as a fan. You taught me how to soul-clap like a mom teaches her daughter how to walk in heels. Played that record that made me say “daaaaamn...I haven't heard that in a minute!” Don’t you miss that “ooooooooh” sound we’d all make when you’d throw on an import remix that no one has heard? How about that song on that album that wasn't released as a single but you know is HOTTTT!?! Yeah…that one. And I loved it when you created your very own hypnotic fused melodies of wonderful vocals over that unsuspecting Hip Hop music bed. You did that and you did it well.

You love music and you love to DJ. Do what you love for the love of the craft and don’t lose yourself in politics, peer pressure, PDs, podcasts, and people coming up to you with peculiar requests. Because this new YOU isn’t YOU and I don’t know how much longer I can stay.

Love, M.O.C.H.A

*Much respect to some of the DJs I’ve followed over the years... Red Alert, Darrel James, SnS, Jazzy, Frank Ski, Cosi, Premier, Jazzy Joyce, Coco Channel, Sting International, Irie, Craig G, LSONE, Spinna , The old Funk Master Flex , Backspin, Lennox, Mustafa & Crime, Bizmarkie, NVS Styles, Severe, Bobby Konders, Rob Dinero , Naturally, Spinbad , Walshy, D-Nice and all the DJs who are hungry, humble and wholeheartedly trying to make their mark in the industry…SALUTE!

And my 1st adult crush: Qool DJ Marv….the only DJ I followed from club to club to club to club. Mica Bar, Ludlow, Bar 6, Izzy, 2 I’s, U.B.I.Q.U.I.T.A, Guernica and more… Thanks for making sure I NEVER got carded.

ONE.

An Introduction to Mr. Wack

WARNING: There are a new breed of wack dudes that have infiltrated the dating scene and are terrorizing single women everywhere! And fellas who don’t fit the description…please take cover before you are found guilty of wackness by association!


Ladies...remember back in the day when the nerdy or dummy, quiet, jacked up haircut having, no date to the high school dance, no fraternity could make him cool in college, who's laugh got on your nerves, was THE Cornball you didn't even have time to complain about because he wasn't even on your radar? Remember him? And he was always the guy who was either too skinny or too short or too pressed or too emotional and didn't have any flavor with how he dressed?

And the stereotypical Cornball is the one who sticks out like a sore thumb and couldn't inherit swagger even if it was monogrammed, gift wrapped and overnighted to him from the KING of Swagger himself! You know him...don't front. Nothing he can do would upgrade him. Sometimes he is soooo corny you can't even explain it. You just know the only word you can use to describe him is: CORNBALL.

And then there is Mr. Wack. Now...one can argue that Cornballs and wack dudes are one in the same but I say they are fundamentally different. Sometimes Cornballs don't know any better. Some cornballs are unusually confident with what they have and extremely honest about what they don't. They don't necessarily know that they are corny and sometimes use terms like: I'm unique, original, an individual and I try not to be like other guys... (And they tried so hard to be different that it makes them even cornier.)

But Mr. Wack is tricky because if women are not careful, the wackness will not be detected initially. But those of us who have shamefully been fooled time and time again have started to notice the signs and can now spot him a mile away.

With so many wack dudes out there, it’s hard to put them in a box. WACK is definitely the correct category but there are several tiers you should be aware of. In other words...Mr. Wack comes in many shapes and forms, and has multi-levels of wackness.

Mr. Wack can be anywhere from the conceited, wanna-be-promoter, overly-dressed, claims that everyone is his "boy", so damn fine it hurts, sunglasses wearer in the club, technically single, red-carpet smile having brother…to the on-the-phone-in-the-club, habitual text messager, generous only when it benefits him, always needs to be seen, name dropper, Male Groupie, publicity whore who can either use you to raise his stock or wants you to use him. He is the one you are afraid to confront because his nice-guy act worked so well on you that you now think YOU are the problem....or better yet, it worked so well on others that you don't want to appear like the “bad guy” or crazy one for no longer wanting to deal with his wackness.

And I get it! Being bamboozled hurts. It hurts your pride and makes you regret using any bit of emotion on his wack ass. Especially if he is the one you've ditched your friends for and got on the list as your "plus one" because...well...he wasn't wack at first, right? And he is so cute! He can dress! And he smells so good. Mmmm mmm mmm.

But did you notice the OTHER chicks aka his "friends" in VIP?

What about the fact that he never puts the blackberry down?

And why are you closer to his boy(s) than you are to him?

Oh...he TEXTED you HAPPY BIRTHDAY....right...right ;)

Awww, he confided in you about being hurt by his ex-girl and that's why he doesn't think he's ready for a relationship! (wink)

Wait...did he stand you up last night? Nawww...he fell asleep at his house, on the couch, watching a movie....alone ;)

SMDH

Some will say that the Mr. Wack isn't part of any new breed of wack dudes and has always been WACK. But the thing is...initially you didn't know! Eventually guys like him do something that will make you discover the wackness, leaving you forever pissed off that you gave him a chance. Some of us have fed the ego of Mr. Wack therefore contributing to his I'm-the-sh*t attitude. We women “create the monster” or continue on the wackness tradition other women before us have encouraged. And how do we continue the tradition? By sweating him, always calling him, defending him, letting him slide, not standing our ground, not setting parameters, and yes...sexing him even after we find out he is WACK.

If you are still not convinced that who I am describing is your Mr. Wack...then take a look at some examples of wactivity found on the F*CK HIM list I created a few blogs ago. But if you are too lazy to look back...here are a few samples of what my girlfriends and I found to be him:

*The habitual texter...and you've NEVER spoken on the phone. (He won't pick up.)
*The one who asks you out but complains about the drive to pick you up.
*The one who hides you from his "baby moms."
*The "single" one who gives you a hand shake or "pound" at the club when he introduces you to his girlfriend who lives out of state.
*The one who’s keeping tabs on how much he’s spending on you and reminds you of it.

And my favorite:

*The one too busy to call but has time for everything else! My mom introduced me to the concept of him. See, I knew him but didn't know I knew him. Mrs. Lise Jean told me that guys who are interested do call. They CALL. And no matter how busy they get, if he likes you THAT much...a call to you will happen the second he can get a break, (and that means before he updates Twitter, facebook, or "networks" at the club.)

Well G*d Dammit I miss THE CORNBALL because after dating a Mr. Wack or two, I feel wack by association. (GUILTY!) Even Laura Winslow eventually fell for Steve Urkel! (Yes...I'm going Family Matters on you!) His character loved her unconditionally. No games, no baggage, no selfishness, no hidden agendas. And after years of chasing her, forming an alter-ego, and switching television networks, Laura gave in and figured out that Steve was actually the Cornball for her.

And while I'm on Steve Urkel...I wonder if the actor who played Steve Urkel is wack or a Cornball?! True story: I met him in Martha's Vineyard and he did everything he could to be noticed. And when he was asked repeatedly for his autograph by those who recognized him, he acted like it annoyed him...ummm hmmm…but he loved it! And our conversations were mostly him saying things like, "yeah baby, cool baby, sure baby," and "baby this, baby that, baby, baby, baby" straight out of a 70's movie! (WORD to GOLDIE.) I decided at that moment that he was waaaaaack! But years later after meeting up with him again and noticing he wanted less attention from "fans" and more conversation of substance...I thought he was once a Cornball who was actually cool.

Go figure! Either way...let's stop the WACKNESS...Please, before someone gets hurt.

My name is Claudia Jean and I’m a recovering Wack-A-Holic…

:(

"I like a long haired thick red-bone..."

I went to a get together over the weekend and got pulled into a conversation that was a remix of other convos I’ve had before.

You know the conversations: Light skin vs. dark skin…black girls vs. Spanish girls…not much representation of chocolate/dark skin girls in music videos and yada yada yada. But this time it was in regards to songs played on radio; songs you and I most likely enjoy very much and sing along to in the club or download to our Ipods. As it got later and later and as everyone but me was getting higher and higher…LOL…I got annoyed because although I felt like the points were valid; for the first time I didn’t have a response. No suggestions, no resolution, no great come back and I was stuck.

I felt like a hypocrite since I do sing/rap a long to a few songs that make references to the red bones and caramels, Indian, mixed, Spanish, etc… I am also very guilty of casting girls in videos who fit the same criteria. It’s hard looking beautiful brown girls in the face knowing that the director gave me specific instructions NOT to cast any of “them.” I even recall going to an R&B/Hip-Hop conference where the complexion subject was brought up and the video director on the panel who was darker than Akon stated how dark skin models "are not dimes” and the artists DO NOT want them in their videos.

So I’m part of the problem, huh? I’ve discriminated because of a pay check and so that I could add a video to my casting reel. Then I’d support these “artists” by playing their music and singing a long like everything was fine. WACK!

How do we change this?

I even “tweeted” about it on Twitter.com and got a couple of responses but it mostly fell on deaf ears. Folks had been too busy chatting about the NBA play-offs and the Hatton/Pacquiao fight…let’s not forget the Swine Flu. So I decided to blog a little something something hoping that you guys would chime in. Perhaps this is a good discussion to have? You be the judge.

It all started somewhere on the top floor of high-rise apartment building on a rainy sports filled Saturday night. Drinks…weed…music…drinks…spades…drinks…music and conversation…and as the weed was being passed…here comes topic #1:

PRO-ATHLETE: "No offense to some of ya’ll in this room but Chocolate girls never get shout outs in songs. It’s always "redbone, caramel, butta pecan, etc...”

CO-SIGN FROM CLUB PROMOTER: "Please! You girls are too brainwashed to even notice that in the hottest songs & videos, you get dissed, yet you still sing along and drop it like it’s hot in the club."

PRO-ATHLETE: “To me it isn’t that they’re brainwashed. I think they’re used to getting dissed and just don’t give a f*ck anymore. Like it isn’t worth the fight or the change.”

CHOCOLATE MODEL ROLLING A PHAT ONE: “I get casted sometimes just because I’m darker. I don’t take it as a compliment but I’ll take the check…thank you!”

CLUB PROMOTER: “You are not getting my point. How do you feel about these songs or videos? They ain’t talking about you or anyone who looks like you.”

PRO-ATHLETE #2: “My son’s mom is dark but I haven’t dated any dark or brown girls since I’ve been in the league. I’ll keep it real. As for videos and songs, I do hear them shout out other type chicks but if the song is hot and the beat is hot, no one cares.”

(Sounds of girls in the apartment grumbling under their breaths but no one is really speaking up.)

VERY LIGHT SKIN GIRL ON COUCH: “I’m the only light skin girl in my crew and my girls get offended when n*ggas holla at me saying, “yo light skin, yo red bone but don’t look at them. I get offended too. But I never notice the songs. The video are obvious though. It’s real obvious and it be the same girls.”

ME SPEAKING TO PRO ATHLETE #2: “Why don’t you date dark or brown girls? I know you sleep with some!”

PRO-ATHLETE #2, (while laughing): I don’t know! I travel all over and see so many beautiful women with different bodies, hair, and complexion. I don’t want the norm anymore. I want something different. I think some of ya’ll are cute but I’m just not attracted to girls who are brown or dark anymore. And songs don’t have nothing to do with it but I wouldn’t put it in a song. ”

Wow! I couldn’t say much at all except that I don’t think discriminating within our own race is cool. We should love all of our shades, no? And just as that conversation winded down, the new Young Money featuring Weezy song, “Every Girl” came on and you know WE ALL laughed when we sung along to the 1st verse! Little Wayne right off the bat says:

Uh, I like a long haired thick red-bone
open up her legs then filet mignon…

Damn Weezy…Chocolate girls need love too. But thanks to @iamdeucefly from Twitter who brought me back to one of THE greatest lines ever spit that trumps them all:

Some say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice
I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots

Thanks Tupac! I know you care…”if don't nobody else care…”

C.

Initiation...Does who pays depend on who asked whom out?

I just talked to a friend of mine who is having a few problems in his relationship. He does EVERYTHING for his girl and once told me that he does whatever he can to get his girl whatever she wants. That is rare and commendable. He wants to make her happy but she doesn't exactly reciprocate the efforts.

Thus the problems in their relationship.

When you have a guy like that who is NOT a cornball...good looking...great job...loves to travel...buys you gifts...loves to actually spend time with you...your friends love him....and he always speaks in "WE" instead of "I..." it wouldn't hurt to step up your game just a little bit to show your dude you care and appreciate him.

This to me doesn't mean that just to prove your love to him that the roles in the relationship should drastically change. I came from what some may call a traditional and maybe even stereotypical upbringing where the man is " supposed" to do certain things and the woman has things she should do and accept as well...

My homeboy kinda knows that upbringing and lifestyle and because of that accepts his role as the provider and initiator of the going out, spending time, and paying the bill...all of the time.

But now ish is getting a bit old. 2 years into their relationship and he is not feeling as appreciated as he'd like. Without getting fully into details I'll just say that he has gone above and beyond boyfriend duty to show her and explain to her why its important for them to be on the same page and the same team. In other words...he can't do ALL of the work ALL of the time. Not cool.

But he loves her and he puts up with a lot...and since they've been having these issues, she's been trying to be more of an appreciative girlfriend by making little efforts that don't necessarily make him do a happy dance...but the efforts satisfy him enough for him to think that her trying is enough.

Fast forward to the reason I'm typing this up...

Tonight he was minding his bizness...hanging out with friends...having a great time, and she calls him to "initiate" hanging out tonight. He agrees to leave his friends and proceeds to her house.

Here is where the debate begins. She called and told him she wants to do something tonight and she even suggested the restaurant to go to.

Who pays?

Now again...I have some traditional values in me and I believe chivalry still exists. So yeah...the guy usually pays. I get that.

But my argument is if my dude pays ALL OF THE TIME...takes me away ALL OF THE TIME....calls me ALL OF THE TIME...buys me gifts ALL OF THE TIME...and makes me happy ALL OF THE TIME...shouldn't I pay some of the time?

Shouldn't I "initiate" a weekend get-a-way? Shouldn't I maybe pick him up something at the mall? Shouldn't I "initiate" Date Night and maybe follow thru all the way some of the time?

I think if she called just to ask him to go out and suggest a restaurant, and he goes to pick her up, takes her to the very restaurant she suggested, and he ends up paying...................................then it defeats the purpose.

I don't know many 30-ish year old childless guys who spoil the sh*t out of their girls now-a-days. And don't get me wrong...I apologize for those who are part of my gender who take advantage of the good guys who are out there. Yes...horrible and selfish chicks do exist.

So if you have a relationship where the person gives and gives and gives and you take and take and take some more...and all the other person wants every now and then is some effort...does it count as an effort or an "initiation" if you don't pay and if you are the one who asked them out? Or should you follow thru all the way till the end of the date night?

Holla back!

Side note***

Women need to step up their game if dudes like that still exist. And some dudes need a lesson or two as well.

Claudia

My personal experiences and lessons learned during this Recession…It’s not all financial

NO ONE IS EXEMPTED OR “RECESSION PROOF”
I’ve had more friends and family who were laid off or fired than you’d believe

DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES
Once after leaving a Starbucks, I was approached by a dude who told me he was going to rob me but decided not to because I smiled at him. This left me in shock, fear, and a deep feeling of sadness. He was a 29 year old who lost his job and was hungry. He told me how his kid’s mom wouldn’t let him see his daughter and how he was sleeping on his frat brother’s couch. He needed a haircut, his lips were chapped, and his hands were shaking. I was shaking too! I couldn’t believe his honesty nor could I believe that my smile stopped him from robbing me. And since this was happening in broad daylight, I couldn’t believe he was willing to risk getting caught just to take something from me. I gave him $5.00 and watched him walk to McDonald’s. Not sure if the $5.00 was even enough for a value meal after taxes

“FRIEND” IS A WORD THAT PEOPLE USE TOO LOOSELY
I had some of these “Friends” as long as I had a table at the club or a hook up with the guest list.

I WORK IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY BUT AM NOT “INDUSTRY”
I had on blinders for the longest not noticing how some of these folks make shady and selfish moves on a regular basis. And because I don’t move quite the same, I became disappointed and found myself questioning the validity of my relationships. I believed in that street rule…”if I eat, we all eat,” but I had to de-prioritize and reprioritize who would be at the dinner table with me

PEOPLE ARE HOLDING ON TO THEIR CONTACTS EXTRA TIGHT!
And on the flip-side some have had their hands held out for contacts I have that may benefit them…All this even after they DO NOT or WOULD NOT help me. Don’t get me wrong…it isn’t a requirement that you help me in order for me to help you. But unfortunately there are folks who are not built to lend a helping hand whether it is an introduction to a contact, a recommendation for a gig, or advice. I once asked someone for advice on how to re-brand myself and instead of giving me advice, I was asked for my contacts and potential work load so that they may handle the business I was trying to re-brand myself for

WITH “OTHERS” THERE IS THE PROFESSIONAL CALL BACK
With “us” there is the text message…no room to leave voice mail or no reason to leave voice mail since it won't be listened to because "checking voice mail is annoying"??? Or the best one I’ve heard: “You gotta keep calling me until I pick up”

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO WILL HELP YOU WITHOUT QUESTION…AND THERE ARE SOME WHO WILL ASK YOU ONE HUNDRED TRILLION QUESTIONS BEFORE GIVING YOU THE ANSWER THEY WERE PLANNING TO GIVE ALL ALONG…”NO.”
This is frustrating because as much as some advice can be very beneficial…when there is crunch time I don’t need or want to be quizzed. And although it may not be deliberate, some folks questioned me so hard and so much that I’d end up extremely regretful that I asked in the first place. It’s like a comedian who joked and sorta said…there are some of “us’ you can’t call when you are in trouble because they will question you until your time is up. But there are “others” who will be there before you hang up the phone

TYRA BANKS DOESN’T CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO HER TOP MODEL CONTESTANTS ONCE THEY ARE OFF THE SHOW
Yes…I said it. I didn’t believe this at first since she bases her whole image on caring and sharing and wanting to make a difference in the modeling world for those who don’t have a voice and blah, blah, blah…And because of what I do, I saw for myself: models in distress…all hope lost…opportunities unavailable…multiple calls to her and messages left not returned. Once you are off the show…DO NOT look back ladies

NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING IN THE RECESSION IF YOU AREN’T DOING WELL OR AS WELL AS BEFORE
I recently tried comforting a friend who came over after being served eviction papers. She lost her job months ago and was very depressed. She felt like I’d listen…and I did. Right before she was about to leave I gave her this super long hug that made her say this, “no one really wants to know how I’m doing in this recession, Claudia…No one calls after they find out….I’m not dead yet!” I was so hurt because I cared. There just wasn’t much else I could do for her but listen, feed her, and liquor her up that night. But after she left I realized that I was also hurt because not only did I sympathize, I empathized too.

I’m also “not dead yet!” My phone has rung less and less…calls have not been returned, invites have been fewer, and I found myself checking in with and checking on folks who weren’t doing the same for me. I sometimes went days without human contact and didn’t even notice that I was no longer the “it girl” who some couldn’t hang out without. This made me appreciate my childhood friends more and more who never cared about what I do for a living, always remembered my birthday, and never accidentally asked me about my mother or where she was because they actually knew and respectfully remembered she passed away. Of course this doesn’t apply to all of my people I’ve met along my journeys; and those who this applies to don’t even matter. But I will say this…there are some friends who are super heroes in my eyes. I’ve received a lot of love, support, and inspiration from people I didn’t expect or hadn’t talked to in years or even known for that long. I can’t even forget about strangers I’ve met in person or on Twitter who made personal movements on my behalf because they believed in what I am and what my resume reads. Some even saw beyond what’s on paper and for that I thank them wholeheartedly for not allowing me to lose faith in the human race

I AM MORE CREATIVE UNDER PRESSURE
I have written more…have come up with more show ideas…blogged like crazy…and helped others with their business concepts during some of my down time. Now I have to turn my own wish list into a reality and am looking forward to seeing it all come to life. Thank goodness I haven’t lost the love for what I do and what I can and will accomplish

…Good luck to anyone reading this who may have had a bump in the road caused by this economic crisis. Things seem to be picking up for some of us but for those who feel lost or alone…you aren’t

Reunited and it Feels So Good

Social Networking Websites like Facebook amaze me more and more each day. Every time I find a new “friend”, he or she is actually an old friend who becomes a new friend all over again. But here is where I’m confused and perhaps you all can chime in to help me understand…What made us all lose touch with each other in the first place?

Most of my peeps on Facebook share the same excitement in finding old friends and are just as addicted to this thing as I am. It’s wonderful to see elementary school friends, high school classmates and college crushes all grown up with a family and kids or a great career. Sometimes I log on and find requests from folks I recognize right away because they haven’t changed a bit!

We talk about how close we were or how they thought my mom’s cooking was the bomb. We reminisce down memory lane about relationships gone badly, who was “creeping” and the “freshest” parties… (Remember “Bentleys-Live-Saturday-Night”?) Then we fast forward to today and learn about broken hearts, love finally found, kids in pre-school, and parents who are no longer with us.

Facebook brings us right back to Christmas Eve in each other’s living rooms and reunions that are well overdue. And old co-workers trip me out too because we share the same love or hate for old bosses and other co-workers who may be on Facebook as well. I even found the guy who gave me my first television gig, the person who groomed me for radio and the Shejay who saved my life.

There are also people who have totally changed and I would have never recognized if I saw them on the street! We have all grown into adulthood quite nicely and it makes me happy to see people I’ve shared so many memories with doing the grown-up thing. But the question remains the same…what made us lose touch? If we were once so close, why didn’t we stay in contact?

There are people on Facebook I’ve had at my slumber parties, went to school dances with, got on punishment for, used as an emotional pillow, hung out with so much that folks called us by each others name, vented about my sister to, snuck into clubs to hang with, worked with at a job we hated, hung out at each others houses as teens, pledged with, grew up with, dated, was a big sister to, went away for Spring Break with, sat with at my very first funeral, caused ruckus in B-more with, and were so tight in school that we recently had this very same conversation I’m blogging about now.

So how did we all go from being so close to either not communicating at all or just chit chatting once in a while to find out updates? When you talk to the folks you reunite with on Facebook do you ask yourself or them the same question? Don’t get me wrong, I realize that people grow up and grow apart. But isn’t it crazy how after falling in love with Facebook we pick up where we left off with one another?

Well I’m glad that many of us were able to re-connect. Facebook is the ish! To be honest, having these flashbacks and renewing our special bonds remind me that true friendship really never dies. I did meet new people and started a new life that some of my old friends aren’t necessarily aware of…but new friendships will never take their place or erase the many memories we’ve cherished over the years.

Welcome back!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Claudia

Do You Want to Date Me or Text Me?

Let me get right to the point. I’m not a huge fan of text messaging. I don’t hate it, but it’s not my preferred method of communication. I use it when I can’t talk but I don’t use it to replace conversation or to conduct business. So if I’m busy and I MUST text back…I say it in quick text. I also may send a phone number or an address…give a quick update or eta…let someone know to check an email…let someone know I’ve arrived or tell someone my location in a party or at a game so they can find me.

I don’t have issues with informative texts like that because they are simple and to the point. Sometimes you can add a little happy face to make it more personable but otherwise…I don’t want to recap the entire night or give you a list of who showed up over text.

Bizreport.com reports that the average U.S. mobile phone subscriber now sends and receives more text messages than voice calls. Included in the research are typical U.S. teenagers who send and receive over 1,700 text messages per month.

So does this mean we should all keep up with what seems to be the “hip” and technologically savvy thing to do? Or are we falling behind when it comes to creating, developing and nurturing relationships?

Or are we just too busy to talk?

With Facebook, Twitter and other social websites it seems to me that people don’t want to talk! And God forbid someone calls you and you don’t pick up. Nowadays people won’t leave you a voicemail message but expect you to scroll thru your missed call log just in case none of your new calls bumped them off the list. But wait…what if they aren’t on the missed calls log? How would one know you called?

What annoys me even more is when someone texts me and I don’t reply…they then decide not to call only assuming that I got the text. So you don’t call? So instead of the inviting me over the phone or verbally telling me the story you were dying for me to hear…you send a text…wait 9 days then curse me out for not returning your text?

And what about when it comes to dating? I guess it all depends on how you met the person, huh? Or doesn’t it? What are the new rules of communication when it comes to dating or being in a relationship? If you start off texting and I reply, does that mean I’ve given you license to never call me? I know a girl who NEVER spoke to the guy she was dating on the phone. Only time she heard his voice was when they saw each other. I have another friend who convinced herself that it’s easier to communicate with a guy thru text. Her words, “I learn more about guys via text messaging because most of the time they hold back on the phone.” I’m still laughing at one friend who used to swear by it but then after getting disappointed by her habitual texting male friends…she decided that enough was enough. Welcome Home, Liris :)

I’m not saying any of this is false nor am I co-signing it. I’m saying that sh*t doesn’t work for me…PERIOD. I did some research and found that I’m not alone.

ANYNOMOUS 1: I HATE it when guys text me after I give them my number. It’s not a deal breaker but it does seem to send a message that either says he has few social skills, no courtesy, or no time. (Often all 3.) Once I've known him a bit I don't mind it, and actually often prefer it, but at first it’s kind of a put off.
ANYNOMOUS 2: I rather talk to you than text you. Calling and talking is like a sign of confidence in my book. I broke up with a girl because all she did was text me even after we kind of gotten to know each other. I don't want to have an important conversation over text. And what if I didn’t get the text? Then what? You going to stare at the phone?
ANYNOMOUS 3: Text if you're in a loud club and unable to hear and need to get in contact, but other than that, let her hear your voice.
ANYNOMOUS 4: It's good to know that some people still believe in calling and I really think it’s a sign of sincerity. But seems like some people these days just rather do texting. But whatever. I'll play their stupid little game. Perhaps calling and talking has become an old fashioned thing, but something we still need to practice.
ANYNOMOUS 5: My 15 year old niece is on a family plan with me. She has about 2800 text messages a month and uses very little phone time. She said that none of her friends email or call. They text and contact each other on Facebook.
ANYNOMOUS 6: A guy that sends texts instead of making that initial call is a coward in my book. I'm not a phone person so I keep it short and sweet, but effort counts with me. Some idiot once kept messaging, trying to get ME to call HIM. Needless to say, I stopped responding after the 4th text and he was left wondering why. But he never called. Loser.
ANYNOMOUS 7: A lady appreciates the extra effort it takes to text her…and being able to forward it to all her friends so they can laugh at the sender. LOL!
ANYNOMOUS 8: I like the personal call. I'm just old school like that, but my peeps know I'm at work 60+ hours a week so they Text me most days and I sent a Voice file back. But if I were a personal with a normal 40 hr/week job, I'd expect you to be calling me and leaving clever little messages.
ANYNOMOUS 9: Texting rather than calling seems to be a frequent phenomenon. If a girl can't be bothered to actually call me, though, I don't take her seriously and won't contact her again.
ANYNOMOUS 10: If all else fails, grow a damn pair! Communicate with her how you damn feel like it and hopefully you’ll do it by calling. If that doesn’t match her ridic preferences, screw it, you keep going. Just do you. Any girl that is annoyed because you didn't ascertain the correct cryptic phone/texting ratio is not the one for you. Keep moving on. But if you like her that much and are interested enough to stress over this, call her. Why text her if she wants a call? You won’t get her that way. Idiot.
ANYNOMOUS 11: Yeah what a habit....texting instead of calling. Sometimes text messages are not reliable, because sometimes we don't get them right away.
ANYNOMOUS 12: Here’s an honest answer for you, folks who text don’t want to talk to you. If they like you like that, they will call.
ANYNOMOUS 13: I used to talk to this one girl and because I wanted to try and be more gentlemanly, I would call her instead of texting. But most of the time she would not pick up and text me back like 30 mins later and start a convo there. WACKKKKKKK.

And yes….these are answers from real people…LOL!

Now looka here...I’m not reprimanding anyone for their preferred method of communicating. I’m just sharing my thoughts. I don’t know how close we can get over text messaging but I guess one can say the same thing about Facebook and Twitter..unless you send DMs...ummm hmmm. But it gives you the excuse not to ever pick up the phone, right? And you can send out mass Holiday shout outs with one text. And Facebook tells you when your friend’s birthdays are coming up so now you don’t even have to send out a card. When was the last time you got a birthday card in the mail? Thank GOD I still do. But I sent out a card to a habitual texter and he didn’t even call to say thank you. He sent a text though ;)

25 Random Things about me...Claudia Jean

So FaceBook caught the chain letter disease and this "25 Random Things about me" list has been going around like crazy. It's basically a list of "random" things most folks wouldn't necessarily know about you. It's kind of fun to read things your friends had to dig deep to share. So when it became my turn...I figured...What the hell?!

I shared it with my 600 plus list of friends on Facebook.com so why not on my blog, right? So here we go!

1. When I was 13, I told both my parents that when I grew up I would work for MTV and BET and direct music videos. I worked and still freelance for both but never directed a video. But I write treatments for directors and some of the videos have been on 106th and Park and MTV Jamz.

2. Even though I know quite a few...I was ALWAYS the only CLAUDIA in my class

3. I don't discuss sex...(my) sexcapades. Because of that I was recently cursed out by my home girl who says I'm "stingy" with my "dirty secrets" which caused her to yell, "Bitch! Who are you f*cking?"

4. I was "on line" for a sorority in college for over 5 weeks and they "dropped" the "line" mysteriously at 7am one morning. We all reported to "big sister's" house as planned that evening thinking it was just a test...She came to the door acting like she didn't know us and threatened to call the cops. She also gave us the sorority official website and told us to apply there if interested. LOL! We found out later that someone called nationals and informed them that there was some illegal pledging going on. Oh well.

5. Everyone keeps telling me I'd be a great Publicist while I'm passionate about Casting and story telling, (Documentaries, Lifestyle & Reality tv) So because of that I'm my own worst publicist.

6. I'm Haitian and yes Voodoo is real. I don't practice nor do I know anyone personally who does. But I don't question the validity.

7. I have a Biggie/Lil Kim story from something I witnessed with my own eyes while interning at HOT 97. Haven't been a Biggie fan since.

8. On-the-low, I was once engaged. I still have the ring.

9. I started school early and got skipped in elementary school so I was always the youngest in my class.

10. When I'm feeling down, I listen to the "Get By" remix with Mos Def, Talib, Kanye, Jay-Z, and Busta. I do an ill happy dance to it.

11. Years ago when I was working @ HOT 97...Jay-Z came on as "Ladies Night's" 1st male guest and said something really f*cked up to me off the mic that I held against him till I recently saw him and reminded him of what occurred. He said, " Wow! That was f*cked up." He gave me a big hug and apologized. Then he laughed so hard it was contagious! He then said, "wow! For real?! Really f*cked up" and hugged me again. And laughed some more. I laughed too...with an evil eye. LOL.

12. I am a "morning person." I sing in the shower and everything!

13. I play piano but can't read music, I used to play drums until I started to go deaf and I can't sing but love karaoke.

14. In high school I marked a religious question on one of my finals, "incorrectly" because I didn't believe the answer to be true. The question was..."Jesus Christ and God are the same person." I chose FALSE. The next day my teacher and guidance counselor called me in because they knew I marked it "wrong" on purpose. They changed my answer.

15. For one semester in college I worked on a season of HBO's The Chris Rock show and was allowed to book a bunch of classmates as audience for one episode. My classmates were allowed to stay behind when we were done taping and Chris came out, met everyone, gave out hugs, and took photos. I couldn't believe he did that for me because he would NEVER stay after to do that with audience. I was so gassed and grateful.

16. I gradually grew into my "sexy" so please stop asking if "they" are real. Lol!

17. One of my favorite movies is "Falling Down" with Michael Douglas...I get it. And speaking of movies, I don't watch Sci-fi or horrors. No, I've never seen "Matrix" or "Halloween."

18. I have a public restroom phobia...I will not go in a stall if someone JUST came out of it. I can't and won't do it.

19. In college I played tennis and started on JV. Got bumped up to Varsity but didn't do well enough to start. Eventually I got benched. But I refused to go back to JV so I stopped all together. As for highschool sports, I used to fence for a regional co-ed team.

20. My radio name was chosen for me because the program director thought CLAUDIA JEAN was corny.

21. As for food, my favorite cuisine is Italian, I don't eat seafood, and when I was 4 or 5 years old, I saw a chick being hatched and ever since then I haven't been able to eat eggs.

22. When I was a kid I had a huge crush on this former NY Knick and even was the ONLY girl @ his bball camp one year. When I met him as an adult, he wanted to "take me home." As sexy as I thought he was and as much as I told him that I wanted to marry him at our bball camp awards ceremony @ Harlem Hospital...I was so not feeling him that night! It wasn't the same love I had as a kid :(

23. My sister was the meanest, most horrible, nightmarish driving instructor in the world! But because of her, I'm the greatest driver and can flow nicely thru NYC and pay no attention to the senior citizens and 14 year old drivers in Miami.

24. In college my boyfriend tickled me so much and so hard one time that I lost it...the tickle. So now I'm no longer ticklish. Its completely gone.

25. I give to the homeless on the streets. $1.00, $2.00, or whatever. I imagine one of them being someone's parent which makes me think of mine...so I do it.

Bonus:

26. I know I should keep in better touch with friends and family. I promise to do better.

Okay! YOUR TURN ;)

"He’s Just NOT THAT Into You." Is it a White thang?

Okay…maybe I’m asking the wrong questions and may not word all of this correctly…but…uhh…Why are none of the lead characters in the movie,"He’s Just Not That Into You" black? Now I’m not trying to use my Obama Card on this one but I’m saying…..

I have the book. I LOVE the book. I even had the chance to do casting/recruiting for The Greg Behrendt Show…even though it was short-lived. (He’s the author by the way.)

So after finding out that a movie would be produced based on the book…I was excited! I’m not saying this book is the Bible…and although it took me a minute to read it even after meeting the author and getting my free copy…when I read it I felt like I’ve missed out on a whole lot of information I could have used earlier in life. Dammit.

But this isn't about me right now. I’m trippin’ because none of the lead characters are black. Period. Not one…NOT ONE! And I don't get it. Black people don't have relationship issues? We can't relate to the book? First of all the book is like a How to NOT guide for women and how we can sometimes be stupidly oblivious to the obvious. Basically saying…that MotherF#$%^&r is just not into you! He doesn't want you girl! He isn't feeling you. YOU ARE NOT THE ONE…He’s NOT calling because he doesn't want to.

So when Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein wrote the script based on the book…was there a reason all of the main characters casted were white?

Okay I understand that the movie houses want to make their money and want BLOCKBUSTER and DRAW-FOLKS-TO-THE-MOVIE-THEATER actors and actresses on the squad. Okay. So you get a blockbuster chick to be an Executive Producer…(Drew Barrymore) and you get some other blockbuster actors to get on board and guarantee ticket sales. Ben Affleck, Jennifer Anniston, Jennifer Connelly, Scarlett Johansson, Kevin Connolly…okay. But there were a few slots to fill for leads and they didn’t cast ONE black person. Now there are a few “supporting” cast members who “represent” in the movie. (You know we play “friends” of leads every now and then.) There is also a girl who plays a waitress and a few girls cast as “African Girl” 1, 2 and 3.

(Sigh)

But I’m trying to figure out why none of us could have played lead? “Us” meaning a black person because I don't act. And since I’m in love with CASTING...things like this bother me. Michael Ealy, Queen Latifah, Mehki Phifer, Aisha Tyler, Morris Chestnut, Gabrielle Union, Kerry Washington, Golden Brooks, Malinda Williams, Regina King, Blair Underwood, Omar Epps, Tracee Ellis Ross….I mean daaaayum! None of them could have played the role of a person who is having issues with dating or how to date or how to get the hint?

And the Table of Contents of the book do NOT include color, race, ethnicity, size, shape, or form. Let’s check and see:

1. He’s Just Not That into you if He’s Not Asking You Out
2. He’s Just Not That into you if He’s Not Calling You
3. He’s Just Not That into you if He’s Not Dating You
4. He’s Just Not That into you if He’s Not Having Sex With You
5. He’s Just Not That into you if He’s Having Sex With Someone Else
6. He’s Just Not That into you if He Only wants to See You When He’s Drunk
7. He’s Just Not That into you if He Doesn’t Want to Marry You
8. He’s Just Not That into you if He’s Breaking Up With You
9. He’s Just Not That into you if He Disappeared on You
10. He’s Just Not That into you if He’s Married (and Other Insane Variations of Being Unavailable)
11. He’s Just Not That into you if He’s a Selfish Jerk, a Bully, or a Really Big Freak

So not only can I relate to a few of the contents…but I know black women and men who qualify, can testify, and undoubtedly play the role of anyone in this movie who is supposed to be playing anyone based on the book.

And don’t get me wrong…I’m going to see it. I’m going to see it and probably will like it. I like quite a few movies that I feel could have had a black person as a lead, but may appeal to a majority white demographic.

I LOVED the movie, “The Devil Wears Prada” but Anne Hathaway did NOTHING for me. And side note…In real life...I know sooooo many young black women who work in fashion and who are not only living the life that parallel’s the life the lead character lived in that movie…but they can spot trends, style shoots, sometimes are the only black person on staff and they hold down the wants, needs, and outrageous requests of these “Miranda Priestly” clones in the fashion industry. But a black girl probably wouldn't have brought in Anne Hathaway numbers, right? Is it all about the dollar figure? And maybe a black girl kissing on that cutie from HBO’s ENTOURAGE would still NOT go over too well with the audiences who supported the movie. (He played Anne Hathaway’s man.)

And what about “Bride Wars”? Did anyone see that? I understand the premise and I too would probably beat my best friend’s a** if she thought she was going to be the one to get married at my dream venue after we both accidentally got booked for the same spot on the same day…but the lead actresses were white. Not sure who you can close your eyes and imagine playing the leads but when I close my eyes I can see 2 beautiful and funny as hell black women battle it out to make sure that their day remains THEIR day. Maybe Nia Long? Maybe Jada? Taraji? Hell…maybe even throw in Eva Mendes so folks won't label it a “Black Movie.” But instead it was Anne Hathaway…again…YAWN…and Kate Hudson who also does NOTHING for me. However, I did like “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” but could have seen someone else in that role too. Some black women lose guys in less than 10 days…okay?

So let me get back to my original point. I feel that more black actresses and actors need to be considered and sent scripts for some of the movies that don't necessarily appeal to our demo. For me it’s not about a role for a black person either…what I’m saying is if the character doesn't have to be white…then why should the actor be?

I guess it all comes down to the “blockbuster” actors and actresses that draw ticket sales. But what does that say about us? Do we not draw ticket sales? Do we have to only do Tyler Perry Movies? I’m happy for the ones who get to be part of a non-traditional black cast which gives them an opportunity to show the world their talent. Love it. (Taraji is doing it.) Hale has been doing it and demanded it. Will Smith plays characters now…not just the black guy who happens to be….I love it. But some actors aren't at that level yet and deserve the opportunity to just act…not just be the black person in the white movie playing the role that requires the character to be black.

You get it?

Side and ending note: Not saying I’m a fan or not a fan…but Megan Good could definitely be the chick in “Confessions of a Shopaholic.” (Release Date Feb. 13th.)

And another side note…maybe relative…maybe not…But ya’ll know that LIVING SINGLE was the Original Sex in the City, right? Khadijah was Carrie…(the Writer) Maxine was the cold ass emotional-less Miranda…(the Lawyer) Régine was Samantha…(the vixen) And Synclaire James was Charlotte…(the Miss goodie goodie, naïve, sweet innocent neutral one)

Claudia...I'm just sayin'

My Experiences, Observations, Mishaps & What I learned in DC Jan.'09

*Friday, Jan. 16th was the coldest day in the history of cold. That was the day I got into DC.

*All the DC radio stations changed their names to the "OBAMA Station" and said things like..."on your OBAMA DIAL" or "be back in an OBAMA Minute...." and "inaugurating the new year with new music now."

*I saw an ill billboard on New York Ave for beer...it said: "InauguRALE"...get it?

*I saw more OBAMA paraphernalia than sorority and fraternity paraphernalia...ever.

*Black folks were the friendliest I've ever seen.

*DC/Marylanders still say "young" and "joe." Ahhhh...memories of my MSU days.

*Lines for most restaurants were around the corner! (And minimum wait was an hour.)

*On the way to BET HONORS on Saturday...a cop laughed when we asked if the streets were shut down for BET.

*We later found out that the streets were indeed shut down for BET HONORS....ass hole cop.

*Do you think there is something wrong if I think Stevie Wonder should go completely bald? Can his peeps shave his head? The hairline...that's all I have to say.

*Gas prices aren't as cheap in DC as everywhere else

*Obama doesn't Twitter anymore :( I think someone took over twittering for him right after the election...around the time they told him he had to give up the blackberry...even though he's keeping the blackberry.

*The Minks, Furs, and Shearling coats were out!

*President Obama could make a KILLING if he trademarked his "likeness" and name. I saw t-shirts, hats, gloves, cufflinks, motorcycle helmets, sneakers, his face on the metro tickets, hoodies, socks, scarves, nail designs, coffee cups, coffee mugs, a design on a lap top cover, bobble head dolls, basketballs, golf gloves, and Barack Obama signature meals and appetizers at select restaurants.

*Oh...and don't forget the drinks! Barack doesn't even drink...but in his honor a few restaurants capitalized...I mean memorialized him with liquor. There was the Barack-O-Bomb which is Henny, Baileys and Guinness. But I kept it simple with an "Obama Chill." Maybe I should have tried an "Obama Mama" or went over to Ben & Jerry's on M street and had some "YES PECAN" Barack Obama ice cream? Yummy!

*My camera's snap button fell off and I was unable to take photos while in the streets of DC. Me without a camera is like living in a world with no air...air...no air...air.

*I heard a chick call into WPGC FM asking for a party where the "HOOD RATS FOR OBAMA" could go. "We ain't into them ball gowns and allllllll dat."

*The ESPN ZONE in DC was the CRUNKEST ESPN Zone ever! Football and Obama...perfect combo.

*After spending several hours and watching 2 football games at ESPN ZONE...we were told our food would never come due to the Fire Marshall shutting down the kitchen. We snacked on chips and salsa and wouldn't leave...We were hungry....but wouldn't leave...had THE BEST TABLE...but wouldn't leave. Pittsburg won...we left....7 hours later.

*I would have liked to get some mac-n-cheese from B.Smiths @ Union station...she also received an award at BET Honors by the way.

*You can NOT hold your cell phone while driving in DC...even if you are NOT texting, scrolling, or don't have it on. If they see it in your hands...TICKET!

*No one was in the paying-for-a-party mood.

*No one was in a I'll-get-you-in-the-party/

event mood...It was hard enough getting in yourself, right?

*There were NOT enough JumboTrons out at the MALL.

*Kanye West does NOT need a hype man.

*Howard University area is sooooooooooo nice now! New stores, new buildings...really nice.

*Biggie Smalls is the Illest

*Obama weekend didn't stop the weed smokers!

*"Five Guys" burgers are the TRUTH!

*No matter who we were are partying for...chicks find a way to get pissy drunk and get thrown out of VIP.

*No matter how pissy drunk chicks get...they start humping and feeling on their other drunk girlfriends.

*Men do cry

*Obama weekend reminded me of Martha's Vineyard for the 4th of July, FreakNik in ATL, Superbowl, and Black MBA weekend wrapped in one.

*Folks from VA can't drive in DC.

*None of the MCDONALDS in DC sell hot chocolate....whhhhhat?

*Brooklyn is EVERYWHERE.

*Anita Baker isn't that nice of a person but she killed it at BET Honors.

*Anita Bakers stayed at my hotel...gave me a hug and stroked my hair in the dining room/lounge area. (LOL!)

*If you smile and speak softly to a bouncer/security...then crack a joke...he'll let you get away with what he originally yelled at you for ;)

*I met a girl who was naming her soon-to-come new born baby, "Barack." Last name "Samuels."

*Busta Rhymes gained a lot of weight...a lot.

*I'm starting to get tired of DJ's cutting records too short! By the time you close your eyes and put your hands in the air to that song you love....cut to the next record.

*For real...after being introduced...President George W. had a little swagger in his step while walking out at the beginning of the inauguration ceremony.

*I need Aretha Franklin to wear a better bra.

*Although most will disagree, I hated Michelle Obama's swearing-in-ceremony suit. I think she looked grandma at my graduation-ish. However, I loved her inaugural gown and I'm a big fan of wearing white...(I like how white looks against chocolate skin.) But I STILL believe that she should have gone with a black designer.

*VIBE MAGAZINE is almost as nice as I am on Twitter...almost son. Their updates and recaps were on point, though...and very entertaining.

*I miss living in DC.

*We must do better as a people. Our President is Black.

YES WE DID...Claudia Jean

Having a CRUSH-The Best and Worst kept secret.

Having a crush on someone can be the most exciting and fun time of your life. Work crushes, friend crushes, unknown-person crushes...all are equally exhilarating and can provide endless hours of self-entertainment. Well a friend of mine called me today and asked me if I have a crush...It’s sad when one can't even come to mind! (Thanks Jeff for making me think about this today. LOL!)

I do however think a lot about an old crush I had...and I miss having that feeling. As a matter of fact, I think about him quite often. I think about how the crush began and how lifted I felt when someone mentioned his name or if we spoke on the phone. I even thought about how both my 1 girlfriend I told, and my older sister would encourage and damn near curse me out trying to convince me to make a move on him. (Good luck trying to guess who it is, suckas...and let me tell you it was an incomparable high.) Especially because I’ve interacted with him on several levels but have retreated back to my own little world where loving him from a far was okay, but facing possible rejection was not an option.

But let's go backwards for a second. Remember how having crushes in school was easy? You could plan your arrival/lunch/departure schedule to coincide with your object of crushdom...You could ask your friends to spy on him for you, and if you were particularly brave you could send them one of those pink “secret admirer” hearts on Valentine’s Day. Remember those? A dollar, right? And once you started driving, you could do psycho-runs by their house or football practice. Not that I would ever do any of these, (cough cough), I just heard stories from a friend. (Smile)

In college, having crushes got even more fun because you could finagle an invite to a crush’s party or join the same student group. Additionally there was the added possibility of hooking up with the crush, or, in rare instances, actually dating the crush.

Being an adult makes crushing more and less difficult. It’s more difficult because now you’re facing the possibility that he is NOT YOUR TYPE...or maybe YOU aren't his! (Yikes!) Or what about the chance that your crush is in a serious long-term relationship, or even married???

There are those of us who might say “wives are not walls” but for the most part, a significant other is an insurmountable obstacle. And with smaller social circles and less opportunity for non-work interaction, it’s unlikely that you can predict where your crush might be, (and you can't just keep showing up at his/her favorite spot…or check his FaceBook status to see what he's getting into.) This might be innocent behavior but if you take it too far, it usually gets you hit with a restraining order in real life…we don't want that! On the other hand, having developed your google-searching skills, you might be able to dig up more information on an adult crush than on a crush from your younger days.

Some of the saddest lessons I’ve had to learn came as a result of crushes. For me, having a crush is usually completely pointless as it has never happened that a crush has reciprocated my undercover desire. Also, I’ve had only one person ever admit to having a crush on me, which turned out badly, teaching me that you should probably never keep pressing people to tell you things like that, (and that you will probably never ever guess who has a crush on you because most people will never do anything about it).

At this very moment I'm suffering as a result of the most powerful crush I've had in life!!! (Yes...back to the old crush.) And I know...I haven't lived on this earth long enough to discount the fact that another powerful crush-like circumstance may happen...but right now...this is all I've got. What started off as love-at-first-sight turned into countless episodes of nothingness as a result of me being a punk-ass. But when the courage came under much encouragement and more curse out sessions from my sister and my girlfriend...thanks Melyssa and Lissa-Jean...my crush turned into a big disappointment who showed me lack of interest and respect. And the last thing you want is to have your imagination interrupted by the reality that this crush you have...isn't all that. (I'm saying "all that" in my Brooklyn-New York, Flatbush ave, Kings Plaza, pony tail and timbs with the Catholic school uniform skirt-accent...son.) Alllll-lat!

So I say all this and that to say...Crushes are both better and worse than real love. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. They can make you feel alive and produce a smile so big that folks on the train stare. (Yeah...it happened to me.) Or they can stomp on your hopes and dreams...making you wish you never left the comfort of your imagination. But as unproductive as they might be, I hope to never stop having crushes.

Keep love alive...

Claudia

Samples from my radio dayz....when I was Mocha!

Hot 97-NYC, Hot 105-Miami, X102.3-WPB

Click on the links or copy and paste to a new browser ;)

http://www.zshare.net/audio/52258392616ab5c3/

http://www.zshare.net/audio/5638094769886fdf/

F*CK HIM!

(As discussed in the Facebook Group: All's NOT Fair in Love and War)

I compiled this list based on stories and testimonies, (including my own), that have been shared amongst friends. And sometimes all you can say is that 4 letter word! LOL! Feel free to add to it ladies! And yes gentlemen...you can add some F*CK Her(s) too. LOL! And thanks to my gurlz who have already contributed...You know who you are ;)

Here we goooooooooooo!

F*CK HIM if he stands you up after making a date to get together. "Standing up" includes not calling, showing up, or sending any type of "Bat Signal" to let you know that it's not happening. And please...don't text message to cancel the date.

F*CK HIM if he doesn't call you for your birthday and knows when it is.

F*CK HIM if he sleeps with you and enjoys ALL the benefits of the sex...but then tells you that you are NOT his type of girl because you slept together "too soon."

F*CK HIM if he sleeps with you then sleeps with your friend...actually...F*CK HER as well.

F*CK HIM if you invite him over and he tells you he'll come, "If" he "feels up to it..." Huh? Whhhhat you say? Stay home! F*CK HIM 2 times for that one.

F*CK HIM if he asks you out but complains about the drive to come pick you up.

F*CK HIM if he continues to look at his watch and or blackberry during your dinner date.

F*CK HIM if he tells you to "shush" or gives you the be-quiet-finger pressed against his lips so that he can take a call from his baby moms...because he doesn't want her to hear you in the back ground.

F*CK HIM if he tells you he wants a relationship...is tired of the dating scene and blah, blah, blah...sleeps with you...then develops amnesia and tells you that he isn't ready for a relationship and claims he told you in the beginning that he wasn't ready for one.

F*CK HIM if he suggests a three-some.

F*CK HIM if you call him and he texts you back..."what's up?"

F*CK HIM if after you call him, leave him a message, he takes weeks to call you back...and when he calls, it's to ask you for a favor. Really?

F*CK HIM if he tells you he's busy all of the time....but he makes time for the club!

F*CK HIM if his way of asking you out is, "you can meet me there if you want..."

F*CK HIM if he wants all the benefits of a relationship but not the commitment part.

F*CK HIM if he gives a "good looking" female friend of yours his business card for what he claims is "business." LOL! Sorry...had to laugh at that one.

F*CK HIM if he does not call you the day after you 2 have sex.

F*CK HIM if you have to beg him to put on a condom.

F*CK HIM if he doesn't respect your feelings...belittles you...and doesn't listen to your grievances.

F*CK HIM if he tells you he is single but has a girlfriend who lives in another state.

F*CK HIM if he comes over late night but never takes you out.

F*CK HIM if he voted for McCain. LOL! Joking!

F*CK HIM if he doesn't give you closure...just stops calling...no explanation.

F*CK HIM if he is a user, (especially if you raise his stock...but when you need him, he runs?)

F*CK HIM if he can text you back and forth for 2 hours but once you decide to be proactive and call him...he doesn't pick up

F*CK HIM if he invites you away on a trip but expects you to fly yourself out! WTF?

F*CK HIM if he picks you up in another chick's car

F*CK HIM if he allows you to pay for the 1st date without even offering to pay

F*CK HIM if he calls you "selfish" because you don't want a relationship based primarily on sex.

What happened to "DATING"? Is "Casual Sex" all we have left?

I don’t believe in “casual sex.” Not that I’m opposed to it exactly… but in my own experience...no such thing exists. If it’s not emotional, I’m not interested.

First of all...what is so “casual” about it? It’s not like having a casual lunch or going to a casual party or like you wear casual clothing on Fridays at work.

If a dude says, “it’s ONLY physical...” I translate that into, “I don’t care about you...” So let’s not call it “casual” sex. The more accurate word is “heartless.”. No feelings, no regrets. Heartless like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz. But even he eventually longed for love, compassion, and a heart.

Sex seems too intense to be taken that lightly...for me anyway. Exciting and uncertain, it involves baring your soul...not just taking off your clothes. You want to see me naked and taste my juices but you don’t plan on calling me on a regular? Naw babe. Not me!

Because sex can be a powerful force of nature we sometimes have no control of, it’s soothing to pretend it’s nooooooo big deal. But for some who feel like it is a big deal or important enough to think about the pros and cons...we can’t pretend.

Me? I’m not built that way and that disappoints many. For me sex without feeling is an empty ritual...a cold mechanical exchange that would leave me lonely and a little sad. Given the choice between that and solitude...I’d prefer to be alone.

So sorry to be a cornball or disappoint those myspace, facebook, and Twitter abusers who hit me up on a daily with a few hints that they would love to engage in some sexually casual bullshit.

I’m the wrong chick.

But I’m not mad at you if you indulge. Do you. And enjoy it however you get it.

What ever happened to the POLITE smoker?

I know I'm going to offend a bunch of people with this blog but at this point I don't care. And I know I can articulate my point way better than this...but there's not enough time for me to write this in the most politically correct, non offensive, "GOD is love" kind of way right now...so fuck it...Here goes!

I have one question...

What happened to the "polite" smoker? What happened to the person who used to stand next to you at a bar, or sit at the next table in a restaurant and would ask..."Do you mind if I smoke?"

Nowadays there are a bunch of rude ass MotherF-kers who don't care if you have asthma, are allergic to cigarettes, can't breathe or maybe even lost someone to lung Cancer or better yet...2nd-hand smoke Lung cancer like what my mom died from last year.

Don't get me wrong....I don't expect any smoker to do a preliminary interview before lighting up...but damn...what happened to just being polite and maybe...just maybe respecting the fact that the people you are smoking around aren't smoking? So why would you sit there and do it?

I went to an event in NYC and this friend of a friend came and sat at our table... (bottle service...VIP...yada yada yada) and she just started smoking. She didn't say shit...she didn't ask shit...she just started smoking. Wait...isn't NYC smoke free INDOORS? Isn't it against the LAW??? I know everyone doesn't follow the rules because I always smell hella weed in every venue I go to. But Cigarettes affect non smokers worse than it affects smokers. I rather smell weed than nicotine but sometimes or should I say as of lately...I don't have a choice unless I leave.

One time on South Beach after a casting I wanted to go buy some accessories for a shoot. So this girl I knew wanted to roll with me and offered to drive. We got in the car, windows up, AC on and guess what she did? She started to smoke. I told her I couldn't take the smoke and if it was cool with her...I'd get out and walk. I wasn't far from where I needed to go. (Lincoln Road, I was on Washington...) She then offered to roll down the windows. What the F$*K???? So just to go down the block you can't just chill? I mean...I wouldn't want anyone to tell me how to live in my own car but I clearly was ready to jump out while the car was still moving. She rolled down the window and started to drive with her face facing to the left. Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezus!

I didn't ride back with her. I walked and it was raining but I didn't care. How could I get back in the car with someone who rather not keep her eyes on the road because she has to smoke?

Same shit happened while I was working on a reality show. I had to get some props and a Production Assistant had to drive me around. I didn't know the area so it was cool until he started to smoke. I told him I didn't smoke. He said..."I didn't ask...ha ha ha!" I was totally offended. On top of that he was driving a production van so I felt like I could say something, you know? "It's not your van...it's production's van and I'm part of production!" But he kept on smoking and I had to fight and argue on the way back so that he wouldn't smoke. I'm working on a show now where my producer smokes. What do you do? It's all up and thru the office and I need to work in that location sometimes when I'm not scouting or conducting on-location interviews. Instead of feeling my pain...she opens the window and fans the smoke with her hands when I walk in the room.

And what do you do if you are in NYC and it's cold as shit and you need a ride to a part of town where no one you are hanging with lives and the particular train you need to take stops running at 11 pm and you have clearly stayed at this event passed 11 and a SMOKER offers you a ride?

Yes this happened to me and I accepted but explained that I can't do the smoking thing and don't want to put him out of his way because he wants to smoke. Okay...he still wanted to give me a ride...so we rolled. But he rolled down the window and still smoked. Again I say...what the F$*K????

I had dude drop me off half way and took a cab the rest of the way. And it was cold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!

I can't do it! And statistics show that there are more cigarette smokers than ever before regardless of all the "TRUTH" advertisements and other form of campaigns to help educate people on the hazards of smoking. But unless I move to Mars or walk around with an Oxygen tank...what is a non smoking chick to do?

WHERE IN THE HELL HAS THE POLITE SMOKER GONE?

So to all my smoke-a-holics who may take offense...I'm sorry. This is how I'm feeling right now. I know that there is Global warming to worry about along with millions of other things that are wrong with us humans that in turn makes us affect the world or universe negatively. I mean...I forgot to recycle today and put all the garbage in one bag. So I'm not innocent and I do my share of adding to the fucked-up-ness of the world. But just think how much better we could be to and for one another if we were just a bit more careful...a bit more sensitive to one another's needs...a bit more understanding...a bit more polite. Not asking for you to quit...just be polite when you step onto a non-smoking scene.

And if you take offense...here's a smoking middle finger for you.



Claudia...