Having a CRUSH-The Best and Worst kept secret.

Having a crush on someone can be the most exciting and fun time of your life. Work crushes, friend crushes, unknown-person crushes...all are equally exhilarating and can provide endless hours of self-entertainment. Well a friend of mine called me today and asked me if I have a crush...It’s sad when one can't even come to mind! (Thanks Jeff for making me think about this today. LOL!)

I do however think a lot about an old crush I had...and I miss having that feeling. As a matter of fact, I think about him quite often. I think about how the crush began and how lifted I felt when someone mentioned his name or if we spoke on the phone. I even thought about how both my 1 girlfriend I told, and my older sister would encourage and damn near curse me out trying to convince me to make a move on him. (Good luck trying to guess who it is, suckas...and let me tell you it was an incomparable high.) Especially because I’ve interacted with him on several levels but have retreated back to my own little world where loving him from a far was okay, but facing possible rejection was not an option.

But let's go backwards for a second. Remember how having crushes in school was easy? You could plan your arrival/lunch/departure schedule to coincide with your object of crushdom...You could ask your friends to spy on him for you, and if you were particularly brave you could send them one of those pink “secret admirer” hearts on Valentine’s Day. Remember those? A dollar, right? And once you started driving, you could do psycho-runs by their house or football practice. Not that I would ever do any of these, (cough cough), I just heard stories from a friend. (Smile)

In college, having crushes got even more fun because you could finagle an invite to a crush’s party or join the same student group. Additionally there was the added possibility of hooking up with the crush, or, in rare instances, actually dating the crush.

Being an adult makes crushing more and less difficult. It’s more difficult because now you’re facing the possibility that he is NOT YOUR TYPE...or maybe YOU aren't his! (Yikes!) Or what about the chance that your crush is in a serious long-term relationship, or even married???

There are those of us who might say “wives are not walls” but for the most part, a significant other is an insurmountable obstacle. And with smaller social circles and less opportunity for non-work interaction, it’s unlikely that you can predict where your crush might be, (and you can't just keep showing up at his/her favorite spot…or check his FaceBook status to see what he's getting into.) This might be innocent behavior but if you take it too far, it usually gets you hit with a restraining order in real life…we don't want that! On the other hand, having developed your google-searching skills, you might be able to dig up more information on an adult crush than on a crush from your younger days.

Some of the saddest lessons I’ve had to learn came as a result of crushes. For me, having a crush is usually completely pointless as it has never happened that a crush has reciprocated my undercover desire. Also, I’ve had only one person ever admit to having a crush on me, which turned out badly, teaching me that you should probably never keep pressing people to tell you things like that, (and that you will probably never ever guess who has a crush on you because most people will never do anything about it).

At this very moment I'm suffering as a result of the most powerful crush I've had in life!!! (Yes...back to the old crush.) And I know...I haven't lived on this earth long enough to discount the fact that another powerful crush-like circumstance may happen...but right now...this is all I've got. What started off as love-at-first-sight turned into countless episodes of nothingness as a result of me being a punk-ass. But when the courage came under much encouragement and more curse out sessions from my sister and my girlfriend...thanks Melyssa and Lissa-Jean...my crush turned into a big disappointment who showed me lack of interest and respect. And the last thing you want is to have your imagination interrupted by the reality that this crush you have...isn't all that. (I'm saying "all that" in my Brooklyn-New York, Flatbush ave, Kings Plaza, pony tail and timbs with the Catholic school uniform skirt-accent...son.) Alllll-lat!

So I say all this and that to say...Crushes are both better and worse than real love. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. They can make you feel alive and produce a smile so big that folks on the train stare. (Yeah...it happened to me.) Or they can stomp on your hopes and dreams...making you wish you never left the comfort of your imagination. But as unproductive as they might be, I hope to never stop having crushes.

Keep love alive...

Claudia