The EX Factor

No matter how I think we grow, you always seem to let me know…it ain’t working-Lauryn Hill

Your former lover, a person you dated, a past boyfriend, a previous girlfriend: The EX. I think some Exes make it easy for you to HATE them and although HATE is such a strong word and wasted energy…it’s often the first emotion felt when you discover that your hearts and desires no longer match. And it’s the despair you feel when it seems as if you’ve exhausted all efforts while the other person hasn’t contributed to trying to make things work.

And what about that word: TRYING? I was once told that “trying doesn’t feel natural.” This can be true on so many different levels. (Trying) can feel forced or annoying; but not usually for the person who is T-R-Y-I-N-G to make things work. That person usually feels born-again and wants to do whatever it takes to get him or her back. They’re given this new found energy and appreciation for what once was; while finding sensibility in things unnoticed and untouched during the previous relationship.

Well…why weren’t these things discovered when you were together? Why does it sometimes take an ending for there to be a beginning? Well my friends, I think the answer is as simple as the cliché often heard in songs, movies, from friends and even from your mother…”you don’t know what you’ve got ‘till it’s gone.”

So what makes you want to try AGAIN? Maybe because of a misunderstanding? Perhaps one of you f*cked up? Or maybe it’s because you don’t want to face the cold world of dating all over AGAIN?! Starting over requires you to pay attention & take notes. You have to be open to discovering and embracing a new person’s likes, dislikes, friends, family, quirks, insecurities, hopes, dreams, style & smell…yup...their smell. Thhhhhhhhhhhhen you have to decide if it’s worth pursuing or if you’d like the pursuit of you to continue.

Once that decision is made, then what? Then comes that thing grown-ups do which can be a bit tricky or detrimental if you’re not careful. S.E.X! Sex can be a major factor in a relationship, right? It can make you stronger or tear you apart. I’ve never been the one to put sex over emotions nor has sex brought me closer to a person emotionally. But I will admit to sex being better because of the emotional connection and I believe that deep down inside that is what a lot of us strive for.

But I digress…we are talking about the EX factor…the person you were t-r-y-i-n-g again with, sexing, and the one who may have given you new inspiration, hope, and a thirst you never thought you’d attain. But the catch is…he or she is the EX! And they are the EX for a reason! And if he or she doesn’t feel the same way you do, they will remain the EX, and so will you.

For most of my dating life I’ve been notorious for going back to Exes. I’ll admit there was a comforting feeling there. Why? Because we naturally gravitate to what we know. We find safety in the familiar. And even if it’s an unhealthy situation that has all the signs pointing to NO WHERE…we still pull towards that direction and become deaf to that gut feeling in our stomach that told us NOT to go that way in the first place. Ugh!

I had a situation that never had a good stretch. We just never had enough time to truly get to know each other and grow. For a while we kept trying here and there, (if and when we both had time and were both sort of available.) But the unavailability issue was mostly him and not me. And since I was the one who always remained “cool” and made sure we kept in touch…I indirectly gave him permission to never have to put in any work. NEVER. Then I got used to my position or position(s). I was the friend…the communicator…the excuse acceptor…the down for anything chick…the supporter…the selfless cheerleader…the one always excited when he would come around or called, even if it was late night…the one who came AFTER, family, work, friends, and other chicks who for some strange reason made the girlfriend club while I remained patient and understanding that “timing” was always our issue. Hmmmm…But in actuality I had no real position and didn’t know I was setting myself up to be hurt.

Why do we ignore the signs? Why did I ignore what he’s been telling me without verbally having to tell me? Let me tell you…some people are more upfront with their actions and don’t need words.

Can I get a witness?

And you would think one would get the hint if every time you call…you get voicemail or a response via text. Or when you think you are being supportive by giving them space, they’re opening that space up to others who may comfort them in a way you aren’t privileged to know about. And little sincere gestures you make in an effort to show you care are met with resistance and doubt, (as if you lied and made up your feelings and your parents really named you AGENDA, first name HIDDEN.) How about when you find yourself n-e-v-e-r being asked if there’s anything you need…especially when this time you’re the one in need? It hurts when he or she doesn’t check in on you during your off-season(s), right? ‘Cause when you two are not dating each other…to them you do NOT exist! ---> NOT EVEN ON YOUR BIRTHDAY :(

And if you’re really unsure about whether or not their actions are speaking LOUDLY enough…try being “friends” with them on a social media networking website like Facebook, Twitter or MySpace! You’ll truly know how they feel about you when you see them playing with their internet friends and updating their statuses with subliminal messages while your phone DOES NOT ring or messages you wrote are ignored.

Giving yourself when the person isn’t listening to you, investing in you, feeling you or is just plain NOT into you can be a wake-up call you didn’t expect, but needed…Trust me. Why? Because IN YOUR MIND, he or she is supposed to notice that you are different from all the rest. They’re supposed to notice that you are “special.” They’re supposed to love being around you the way others do. They’re supposed to pay close attention to detail and enjoy your quirky ways…the way the person you are NOT pursuing does. You know that person, right? It’s the HE or SHE who says all the right things and does everything you want the EX to do. Damn shame. Then you find yourself being the same cold person to that someone else that your ex is being to you. That is what just happened to me and I hurt that someone as a result of all this. I kept paying storage fees on a heart that was empty…meanwhile someone else had room for me with no charge.

Soooooooooo…in comes that word HATE I spoke about earlier. It’s such a horrible word that leads to a world of misery and resentment. I ask myself if I HATE him and eeeeeeeeevery day my answer changes. Or maybe in actuality I HATE myself for caring for him all willy nilly. And my heart feels heavy because anything that reminds me of him (lately) turns my smile into a frown…even though he didn’t beat me up, spit on me, call me names, or force me to do anything. But sometimes neglect and selfishness can leave you with so much distress that you mistake hurt for HATE…and that’s where I’m at now people!

But guess what? Most Exes are doing what they’re supposed to be doing…Loving him or her-self and putting themselves FIRST. Isn’t that what we all are supposed to be doing? If we did, we wouldn’t be worried about the EX and we’d make room for the next…get it? I know some things are easier said than done…and situations that end amicably don’t always remain amicable. However, I don’t think anyone sets out to be bitter, hurt or vexed. Nor do I think the EX is always deliberate and calculated with his or her actions…or lack thereof. But they sure don’t make it easy by giving mixed signals or living in the “grey area.” And clarity & closure were not their major or minor in the University of Life. So f*ck it! You want c-l-o-s-u-r-e? Close the sh*t yourself.

Make the last straw THE ABSOLUTE last straw. Walk forward, not backwards. Lopsided relationships are not sexy or fashionable. Besides…your friends are tired of hearing about it, he or she is NOT trying to have “the talk” again and the stress shows in your face and hardens the heart. Believe me…I KNOW!

Lessons are blessings that come in so many forms and I thank GOD it took someone I love, NOT to love me back in order for me to realize that my love should be earned and not taken for granted…even if he has NO CLUE. And if he doesn’t see it and neeeeeeeever gets it…well then! That’s yet another reason he’ll remain the EX-Factor.

1 year older and 1 day wiser…Happy Birthday to me!

For Supa, Porscha, Jeff, Yaz & Raedawn…xoxoxoxoxo

Claudia “Mocha” Jean

“See I know what we’ve got to do…You let go, and I’ll let go too…‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you…and no one ever will…”

http://www.rhapsody.com/lauryn-hill/the-miseducation-of-lauryn-hill/ex-factor/lyrics.html

A Letter to My DJ

Whadddup stranger? Master of Melodies, Neo-Sound Explorer, Crowd Motivator, and Conductor of F-L-O-W…I miss you and I want you back. Lately you’ve been plenty predictable, sometimes not even noticeable…because frankly, the DJ is no longer the center of the universe. You are an accessory.

You’ve got me feeling empty, uncomfortable, unmotivated, and contemplating whether I should leave for good…

But back in the day you had me dancing in circles…flirting with me from your booth, playing record after record, giving me no other choice but to stay until the crack of dawn….”Okay one more song and we’re out!” But then 2 minutes later…”Oh-no-he-didn’t!” Suddenly I’d find myself willingly stuck…greeting you with a smile as both the lights in the room and sun came up.

I remember you in Junior High when the principal allowed you to DJ our school dances. You gave me my first of many musical experiences…which were rarely played in my home. Not that I grew up restricted, but music didn’t play an integral role in my upbringing. So when you came along, I was hooked! I was a fiend for your mixes and searched the radio frantically for the sounds you played. I practiced new dances in the mirror and my neighbor and I would get our routines together so when you dropped THAT record…we’d be on it.

In high school, life with you got easier and we had the ultimate connection. You influenced my style and had me walking to your beats in my head every time I hit the pavement. My mom was a bit more open to the idea of having you in the house and my sister and I danced to your mélanges in the attic. Once a week I took my allowance, bought a vinyl, and tried to copy your style. Friends would come over and beg to know where I got THAT from! Everyone wanted a dub! Let’s not forget the DJ-over-the-phone-game….Haaaaaaa! Remember those days? “I dedicate this song to you!” (Insert mix tape, press play, lay on the pillow, phone to the ear, breathe…)

But what’s a full high school experience without the House parties!? The chaperones were upstairs while us girls were in the basement, pinned up against a wall by a cutie grinding against our hips. The only light in the entire room came from the corner where your turntables and records were set up. I remember how hyped we’d get when we’d hear the hint of an instrumental creeping in while you faded out that last song, right before you put the record back in the crate. B.L.E.N.D.I.N.G.

In college you were the shhhhhhhhhhhhhit! You set the mood, pace, and dress code for all that was happening on and off campus. We didn’t listen to the radio to hear the newest hit…we went to the parties and witnessed YOU breaking records in for the first time. There were too many parties to choose from and it was often hard to commit to one. So we went to them all and watched you work the room with your hand maneuvering and musical selection. Your match-making skills were impeccable as well. You always seemed to know what to drop at that exact moment a Shorty decided to join another on the dance floor…singing all in each other’s ear…Who could hold up the wall with you spinning? And I remember back then…it was okay to sweat, (because it was a sign that you had a good time!) So we all went home W.E.T.

Later I learned more from you during my internships and various industry gigs. That’s when I decided I may want to try this all myself. I took notes and appreciated the fact that you came in many forms and gave variety its definition. Seems like in those days you had a bit more freedom to play what you thought was “hot” vs. what management dictated you should play. Now you seem to want to please too many people from record labels, to corporate America, to your critics who seem to get younger and more disconnected from what REAL music is. *sigh*

And don't get me wrong...I know you feel the pressures of mainstream/commercial radio. You feel like you need to play what's “HOT” right now. (Look at your sources!) Between the music video shows, radio stations playing the same song 2-3 times an hour at-the-same-time, manufactured BEEFS between camps just to guarantee a major hit, and club owners, promoters & PD’s choreographing your play list….I’m surprised you still have the energy or desire to keep going. But once we started to predict the order of songs you’d play….we discovered a bigger problem. Plus you squeeze in so many songs in one set! There’s no need to prove what you have in your collection! We know you have it…you’re supposed to. You’re a DJ.

Remember when you were the headliner? Today DJ’s doesn’t get the same amount of respect. It’s the year of the IPods and the new way to blend which we call…the UNBLEND: cutting off records which sound more like nails on a chalk board. Now what do we have to look forward to besides open bar and the occasional live performance from an artist? Shout outs over a Biggie beat?

Let me remind you of YOU and your worth:

YOU were the reason we wanted to get to the club at a decent time…not because of free drinks before midnight. YOU were the determining factor on whether or not we should even go! But if we saw your name on the flyer, not even the flakey door guy could keep us from you! YOU were what we talked about on the way there and when we left the party. YOU were the reason we didn’t necessarily need a dance partner…eyes closed, one hand in the air, following YOUR lead…vibing with YOU. YOU were the KING of the mid day mix and the surprise guest at the summer barbeques. YOU were the most important detail at the wedding, step show, after party, and yes….the club. Promoters didn’t tell you how much they’d pay you, YOU’d tell them. YOU broke records in a non conventional way and were the stamp-of-approval artists needed in order to get sales. The DJ’s cosign was like gold and you were respected because of that. Now artists are sh*tting on DJ’s like they sh*t on bloggers and in this day of technology….they need both.

So I dare YOU to bring YOU back. I double-dog-dare-you to play MUSIC vs. a slew of curses and derogatory terms disguised as a mix. I dare you to keep your shout outs to a minimum and I challenge you to NOT play that one current popular record more than 2 times tonight. Sheesh! Let’s see if you can get me up from my table, on to the middle of the dance floor. You think I wore these heels NOT to be seen? C’mon Son!

I don’t mean to be harsh, but I need you to know this…because I’ve no-ticed. I miss you, but not from a lover’s point of view, but as a fan. You taught me how to soul-clap like a mom teaches her daughter how to walk in heels. Played that record that made me say “daaaaamn...I haven't heard that in a minute!” Don’t you miss that “ooooooooh” sound we’d all make when you’d throw on an import remix that no one has heard? How about that song on that album that wasn't released as a single but you know is HOTTTT!?! Yeah…that one. And I loved it when you created your very own hypnotic fused melodies of wonderful vocals over that unsuspecting Hip Hop music bed. You did that and you did it well.

You love music and you love to DJ. Do what you love for the love of the craft and don’t lose yourself in politics, peer pressure, PDs, podcasts, and people coming up to you with peculiar requests. Because this new YOU isn’t YOU and I don’t know how much longer I can stay.

Love, M.O.C.H.A

*Much respect to some of the DJs I’ve followed over the years... Red Alert, Darrel James, SnS, Jazzy, Frank Ski, Cosi, Premier, Jazzy Joyce, Coco Channel, Sting International, Irie, Craig G, LSONE, Spinna , The old Funk Master Flex , Backspin, Lennox, Mustafa & Crime, Bizmarkie, NVS Styles, Severe, Bobby Konders, Rob Dinero , Naturally, Spinbad , Walshy, D-Nice and all the DJs who are hungry, humble and wholeheartedly trying to make their mark in the industry…SALUTE!

And my 1st adult crush: Qool DJ Marv….the only DJ I followed from club to club to club to club. Mica Bar, Ludlow, Bar 6, Izzy, 2 I’s, U.B.I.Q.U.I.T.A, Guernica and more… Thanks for making sure I NEVER got carded.

ONE.

An Introduction to Mr. Wack

WARNING: There are a new breed of wack dudes that have infiltrated the dating scene and are terrorizing single women everywhere! And fellas who don’t fit the description…please take cover before you are found guilty of wackness by association!


Ladies...remember back in the day when the nerdy or dummy, quiet, jacked up haircut having, no date to the high school dance, no fraternity could make him cool in college, who's laugh got on your nerves, was THE Cornball you didn't even have time to complain about because he wasn't even on your radar? Remember him? And he was always the guy who was either too skinny or too short or too pressed or too emotional and didn't have any flavor with how he dressed?

And the stereotypical Cornball is the one who sticks out like a sore thumb and couldn't inherit swagger even if it was monogrammed, gift wrapped and overnighted to him from the KING of Swagger himself! You know him...don't front. Nothing he can do would upgrade him. Sometimes he is soooo corny you can't even explain it. You just know the only word you can use to describe him is: CORNBALL.

And then there is Mr. Wack. Now...one can argue that Cornballs and wack dudes are one in the same but I say they are fundamentally different. Sometimes Cornballs don't know any better. Some cornballs are unusually confident with what they have and extremely honest about what they don't. They don't necessarily know that they are corny and sometimes use terms like: I'm unique, original, an individual and I try not to be like other guys... (And they tried so hard to be different that it makes them even cornier.)

But Mr. Wack is tricky because if women are not careful, the wackness will not be detected initially. But those of us who have shamefully been fooled time and time again have started to notice the signs and can now spot him a mile away.

With so many wack dudes out there, it’s hard to put them in a box. WACK is definitely the correct category but there are several tiers you should be aware of. In other words...Mr. Wack comes in many shapes and forms, and has multi-levels of wackness.

Mr. Wack can be anywhere from the conceited, wanna-be-promoter, overly-dressed, claims that everyone is his "boy", so damn fine it hurts, sunglasses wearer in the club, technically single, red-carpet smile having brother…to the on-the-phone-in-the-club, habitual text messager, generous only when it benefits him, always needs to be seen, name dropper, Male Groupie, publicity whore who can either use you to raise his stock or wants you to use him. He is the one you are afraid to confront because his nice-guy act worked so well on you that you now think YOU are the problem....or better yet, it worked so well on others that you don't want to appear like the “bad guy” or crazy one for no longer wanting to deal with his wackness.

And I get it! Being bamboozled hurts. It hurts your pride and makes you regret using any bit of emotion on his wack ass. Especially if he is the one you've ditched your friends for and got on the list as your "plus one" because...well...he wasn't wack at first, right? And he is so cute! He can dress! And he smells so good. Mmmm mmm mmm.

But did you notice the OTHER chicks aka his "friends" in VIP?

What about the fact that he never puts the blackberry down?

And why are you closer to his boy(s) than you are to him?

Oh...he TEXTED you HAPPY BIRTHDAY....right...right ;)

Awww, he confided in you about being hurt by his ex-girl and that's why he doesn't think he's ready for a relationship! (wink)

Wait...did he stand you up last night? Nawww...he fell asleep at his house, on the couch, watching a movie....alone ;)

SMDH

Some will say that the Mr. Wack isn't part of any new breed of wack dudes and has always been WACK. But the thing is...initially you didn't know! Eventually guys like him do something that will make you discover the wackness, leaving you forever pissed off that you gave him a chance. Some of us have fed the ego of Mr. Wack therefore contributing to his I'm-the-sh*t attitude. We women “create the monster” or continue on the wackness tradition other women before us have encouraged. And how do we continue the tradition? By sweating him, always calling him, defending him, letting him slide, not standing our ground, not setting parameters, and yes...sexing him even after we find out he is WACK.

If you are still not convinced that who I am describing is your Mr. Wack...then take a look at some examples of wactivity found on the F*CK HIM list I created a few blogs ago. But if you are too lazy to look back...here are a few samples of what my girlfriends and I found to be him:

*The habitual texter...and you've NEVER spoken on the phone. (He won't pick up.)
*The one who asks you out but complains about the drive to pick you up.
*The one who hides you from his "baby moms."
*The "single" one who gives you a hand shake or "pound" at the club when he introduces you to his girlfriend who lives out of state.
*The one who’s keeping tabs on how much he’s spending on you and reminds you of it.

And my favorite:

*The one too busy to call but has time for everything else! My mom introduced me to the concept of him. See, I knew him but didn't know I knew him. Mrs. Lise Jean told me that guys who are interested do call. They CALL. And no matter how busy they get, if he likes you THAT much...a call to you will happen the second he can get a break, (and that means before he updates Twitter, facebook, or "networks" at the club.)

Well G*d Dammit I miss THE CORNBALL because after dating a Mr. Wack or two, I feel wack by association. (GUILTY!) Even Laura Winslow eventually fell for Steve Urkel! (Yes...I'm going Family Matters on you!) His character loved her unconditionally. No games, no baggage, no selfishness, no hidden agendas. And after years of chasing her, forming an alter-ego, and switching television networks, Laura gave in and figured out that Steve was actually the Cornball for her.

And while I'm on Steve Urkel...I wonder if the actor who played Steve Urkel is wack or a Cornball?! True story: I met him in Martha's Vineyard and he did everything he could to be noticed. And when he was asked repeatedly for his autograph by those who recognized him, he acted like it annoyed him...ummm hmmm…but he loved it! And our conversations were mostly him saying things like, "yeah baby, cool baby, sure baby," and "baby this, baby that, baby, baby, baby" straight out of a 70's movie! (WORD to GOLDIE.) I decided at that moment that he was waaaaaack! But years later after meeting up with him again and noticing he wanted less attention from "fans" and more conversation of substance...I thought he was once a Cornball who was actually cool.

Go figure! Either way...let's stop the WACKNESS...Please, before someone gets hurt.

My name is Claudia Jean and I’m a recovering Wack-A-Holic…

:(

"I like a long haired thick red-bone..."

I went to a get together over the weekend and got pulled into a conversation that was a remix of other convos I’ve had before.

You know the conversations: Light skin vs. dark skin…black girls vs. Spanish girls…not much representation of chocolate/dark skin girls in music videos and yada yada yada. But this time it was in regards to songs played on radio; songs you and I most likely enjoy very much and sing along to in the club or download to our Ipods. As it got later and later and as everyone but me was getting higher and higher…LOL…I got annoyed because although I felt like the points were valid; for the first time I didn’t have a response. No suggestions, no resolution, no great come back and I was stuck.

I felt like a hypocrite since I do sing/rap a long to a few songs that make references to the red bones and caramels, Indian, mixed, Spanish, etc… I am also very guilty of casting girls in videos who fit the same criteria. It’s hard looking beautiful brown girls in the face knowing that the director gave me specific instructions NOT to cast any of “them.” I even recall going to an R&B/Hip-Hop conference where the complexion subject was brought up and the video director on the panel who was darker than Akon stated how dark skin models "are not dimes” and the artists DO NOT want them in their videos.

So I’m part of the problem, huh? I’ve discriminated because of a pay check and so that I could add a video to my casting reel. Then I’d support these “artists” by playing their music and singing a long like everything was fine. WACK!

How do we change this?

I even “tweeted” about it on Twitter.com and got a couple of responses but it mostly fell on deaf ears. Folks had been too busy chatting about the NBA play-offs and the Hatton/Pacquiao fight…let’s not forget the Swine Flu. So I decided to blog a little something something hoping that you guys would chime in. Perhaps this is a good discussion to have? You be the judge.

It all started somewhere on the top floor of high-rise apartment building on a rainy sports filled Saturday night. Drinks…weed…music…drinks…spades…drinks…music and conversation…and as the weed was being passed…here comes topic #1:

PRO-ATHLETE: "No offense to some of ya’ll in this room but Chocolate girls never get shout outs in songs. It’s always "redbone, caramel, butta pecan, etc...”

CO-SIGN FROM CLUB PROMOTER: "Please! You girls are too brainwashed to even notice that in the hottest songs & videos, you get dissed, yet you still sing along and drop it like it’s hot in the club."

PRO-ATHLETE: “To me it isn’t that they’re brainwashed. I think they’re used to getting dissed and just don’t give a f*ck anymore. Like it isn’t worth the fight or the change.”

CHOCOLATE MODEL ROLLING A PHAT ONE: “I get casted sometimes just because I’m darker. I don’t take it as a compliment but I’ll take the check…thank you!”

CLUB PROMOTER: “You are not getting my point. How do you feel about these songs or videos? They ain’t talking about you or anyone who looks like you.”

PRO-ATHLETE #2: “My son’s mom is dark but I haven’t dated any dark or brown girls since I’ve been in the league. I’ll keep it real. As for videos and songs, I do hear them shout out other type chicks but if the song is hot and the beat is hot, no one cares.”

(Sounds of girls in the apartment grumbling under their breaths but no one is really speaking up.)

VERY LIGHT SKIN GIRL ON COUCH: “I’m the only light skin girl in my crew and my girls get offended when n*ggas holla at me saying, “yo light skin, yo red bone but don’t look at them. I get offended too. But I never notice the songs. The video are obvious though. It’s real obvious and it be the same girls.”

ME SPEAKING TO PRO ATHLETE #2: “Why don’t you date dark or brown girls? I know you sleep with some!”

PRO-ATHLETE #2, (while laughing): I don’t know! I travel all over and see so many beautiful women with different bodies, hair, and complexion. I don’t want the norm anymore. I want something different. I think some of ya’ll are cute but I’m just not attracted to girls who are brown or dark anymore. And songs don’t have nothing to do with it but I wouldn’t put it in a song. ”

Wow! I couldn’t say much at all except that I don’t think discriminating within our own race is cool. We should love all of our shades, no? And just as that conversation winded down, the new Young Money featuring Weezy song, “Every Girl” came on and you know WE ALL laughed when we sung along to the 1st verse! Little Wayne right off the bat says:

Uh, I like a long haired thick red-bone
open up her legs then filet mignon…

Damn Weezy…Chocolate girls need love too. But thanks to @iamdeucefly from Twitter who brought me back to one of THE greatest lines ever spit that trumps them all:

Some say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice
I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots

Thanks Tupac! I know you care…”if don't nobody else care…”

C.

Initiation...Does who pays depend on who asked whom out?

I just talked to a friend of mine who is having a few problems in his relationship. He does EVERYTHING for his girl and once told me that he does whatever he can to get his girl whatever she wants. That is rare and commendable. He wants to make her happy but she doesn't exactly reciprocate the efforts.

Thus the problems in their relationship.

When you have a guy like that who is NOT a cornball...good looking...great job...loves to travel...buys you gifts...loves to actually spend time with you...your friends love him....and he always speaks in "WE" instead of "I..." it wouldn't hurt to step up your game just a little bit to show your dude you care and appreciate him.

This to me doesn't mean that just to prove your love to him that the roles in the relationship should drastically change. I came from what some may call a traditional and maybe even stereotypical upbringing where the man is " supposed" to do certain things and the woman has things she should do and accept as well...

My homeboy kinda knows that upbringing and lifestyle and because of that accepts his role as the provider and initiator of the going out, spending time, and paying the bill...all of the time.

But now ish is getting a bit old. 2 years into their relationship and he is not feeling as appreciated as he'd like. Without getting fully into details I'll just say that he has gone above and beyond boyfriend duty to show her and explain to her why its important for them to be on the same page and the same team. In other words...he can't do ALL of the work ALL of the time. Not cool.

But he loves her and he puts up with a lot...and since they've been having these issues, she's been trying to be more of an appreciative girlfriend by making little efforts that don't necessarily make him do a happy dance...but the efforts satisfy him enough for him to think that her trying is enough.

Fast forward to the reason I'm typing this up...

Tonight he was minding his bizness...hanging out with friends...having a great time, and she calls him to "initiate" hanging out tonight. He agrees to leave his friends and proceeds to her house.

Here is where the debate begins. She called and told him she wants to do something tonight and she even suggested the restaurant to go to.

Who pays?

Now again...I have some traditional values in me and I believe chivalry still exists. So yeah...the guy usually pays. I get that.

But my argument is if my dude pays ALL OF THE TIME...takes me away ALL OF THE TIME....calls me ALL OF THE TIME...buys me gifts ALL OF THE TIME...and makes me happy ALL OF THE TIME...shouldn't I pay some of the time?

Shouldn't I "initiate" a weekend get-a-way? Shouldn't I maybe pick him up something at the mall? Shouldn't I "initiate" Date Night and maybe follow thru all the way some of the time?

I think if she called just to ask him to go out and suggest a restaurant, and he goes to pick her up, takes her to the very restaurant she suggested, and he ends up paying...................................then it defeats the purpose.

I don't know many 30-ish year old childless guys who spoil the sh*t out of their girls now-a-days. And don't get me wrong...I apologize for those who are part of my gender who take advantage of the good guys who are out there. Yes...horrible and selfish chicks do exist.

So if you have a relationship where the person gives and gives and gives and you take and take and take some more...and all the other person wants every now and then is some effort...does it count as an effort or an "initiation" if you don't pay and if you are the one who asked them out? Or should you follow thru all the way till the end of the date night?

Holla back!

Side note***

Women need to step up their game if dudes like that still exist. And some dudes need a lesson or two as well.

Claudia

My personal experiences and lessons learned during this Recession…It’s not all financial

NO ONE IS EXEMPTED OR “RECESSION PROOF”
I’ve had more friends and family who were laid off or fired than you’d believe

DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES
Once after leaving a Starbucks, I was approached by a dude who told me he was going to rob me but decided not to because I smiled at him. This left me in shock, fear, and a deep feeling of sadness. He was a 29 year old who lost his job and was hungry. He told me how his kid’s mom wouldn’t let him see his daughter and how he was sleeping on his frat brother’s couch. He needed a haircut, his lips were chapped, and his hands were shaking. I was shaking too! I couldn’t believe his honesty nor could I believe that my smile stopped him from robbing me. And since this was happening in broad daylight, I couldn’t believe he was willing to risk getting caught just to take something from me. I gave him $5.00 and watched him walk to McDonald’s. Not sure if the $5.00 was even enough for a value meal after taxes

“FRIEND” IS A WORD THAT PEOPLE USE TOO LOOSELY
I had some of these “Friends” as long as I had a table at the club or a hook up with the guest list.

I WORK IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY BUT AM NOT “INDUSTRY”
I had on blinders for the longest not noticing how some of these folks make shady and selfish moves on a regular basis. And because I don’t move quite the same, I became disappointed and found myself questioning the validity of my relationships. I believed in that street rule…”if I eat, we all eat,” but I had to de-prioritize and reprioritize who would be at the dinner table with me

PEOPLE ARE HOLDING ON TO THEIR CONTACTS EXTRA TIGHT!
And on the flip-side some have had their hands held out for contacts I have that may benefit them…All this even after they DO NOT or WOULD NOT help me. Don’t get me wrong…it isn’t a requirement that you help me in order for me to help you. But unfortunately there are folks who are not built to lend a helping hand whether it is an introduction to a contact, a recommendation for a gig, or advice. I once asked someone for advice on how to re-brand myself and instead of giving me advice, I was asked for my contacts and potential work load so that they may handle the business I was trying to re-brand myself for

WITH “OTHERS” THERE IS THE PROFESSIONAL CALL BACK
With “us” there is the text message…no room to leave voice mail or no reason to leave voice mail since it won't be listened to because "checking voice mail is annoying"??? Or the best one I’ve heard: “You gotta keep calling me until I pick up”

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO WILL HELP YOU WITHOUT QUESTION…AND THERE ARE SOME WHO WILL ASK YOU ONE HUNDRED TRILLION QUESTIONS BEFORE GIVING YOU THE ANSWER THEY WERE PLANNING TO GIVE ALL ALONG…”NO.”
This is frustrating because as much as some advice can be very beneficial…when there is crunch time I don’t need or want to be quizzed. And although it may not be deliberate, some folks questioned me so hard and so much that I’d end up extremely regretful that I asked in the first place. It’s like a comedian who joked and sorta said…there are some of “us’ you can’t call when you are in trouble because they will question you until your time is up. But there are “others” who will be there before you hang up the phone

TYRA BANKS DOESN’T CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO HER TOP MODEL CONTESTANTS ONCE THEY ARE OFF THE SHOW
Yes…I said it. I didn’t believe this at first since she bases her whole image on caring and sharing and wanting to make a difference in the modeling world for those who don’t have a voice and blah, blah, blah…And because of what I do, I saw for myself: models in distress…all hope lost…opportunities unavailable…multiple calls to her and messages left not returned. Once you are off the show…DO NOT look back ladies

NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING IN THE RECESSION IF YOU AREN’T DOING WELL OR AS WELL AS BEFORE
I recently tried comforting a friend who came over after being served eviction papers. She lost her job months ago and was very depressed. She felt like I’d listen…and I did. Right before she was about to leave I gave her this super long hug that made her say this, “no one really wants to know how I’m doing in this recession, Claudia…No one calls after they find out….I’m not dead yet!” I was so hurt because I cared. There just wasn’t much else I could do for her but listen, feed her, and liquor her up that night. But after she left I realized that I was also hurt because not only did I sympathize, I empathized too.

I’m also “not dead yet!” My phone has rung less and less…calls have not been returned, invites have been fewer, and I found myself checking in with and checking on folks who weren’t doing the same for me. I sometimes went days without human contact and didn’t even notice that I was no longer the “it girl” who some couldn’t hang out without. This made me appreciate my childhood friends more and more who never cared about what I do for a living, always remembered my birthday, and never accidentally asked me about my mother or where she was because they actually knew and respectfully remembered she passed away. Of course this doesn’t apply to all of my people I’ve met along my journeys; and those who this applies to don’t even matter. But I will say this…there are some friends who are super heroes in my eyes. I’ve received a lot of love, support, and inspiration from people I didn’t expect or hadn’t talked to in years or even known for that long. I can’t even forget about strangers I’ve met in person or on Twitter who made personal movements on my behalf because they believed in what I am and what my resume reads. Some even saw beyond what’s on paper and for that I thank them wholeheartedly for not allowing me to lose faith in the human race

I AM MORE CREATIVE UNDER PRESSURE
I have written more…have come up with more show ideas…blogged like crazy…and helped others with their business concepts during some of my down time. Now I have to turn my own wish list into a reality and am looking forward to seeing it all come to life. Thank goodness I haven’t lost the love for what I do and what I can and will accomplish

…Good luck to anyone reading this who may have had a bump in the road caused by this economic crisis. Things seem to be picking up for some of us but for those who feel lost or alone…you aren’t

Reunited and it Feels So Good

Social Networking Websites like Facebook amaze me more and more each day. Every time I find a new “friend”, he or she is actually an old friend who becomes a new friend all over again. But here is where I’m confused and perhaps you all can chime in to help me understand…What made us all lose touch with each other in the first place?

Most of my peeps on Facebook share the same excitement in finding old friends and are just as addicted to this thing as I am. It’s wonderful to see elementary school friends, high school classmates and college crushes all grown up with a family and kids or a great career. Sometimes I log on and find requests from folks I recognize right away because they haven’t changed a bit!

We talk about how close we were or how they thought my mom’s cooking was the bomb. We reminisce down memory lane about relationships gone badly, who was “creeping” and the “freshest” parties… (Remember “Bentleys-Live-Saturday-Night”?) Then we fast forward to today and learn about broken hearts, love finally found, kids in pre-school, and parents who are no longer with us.

Facebook brings us right back to Christmas Eve in each other’s living rooms and reunions that are well overdue. And old co-workers trip me out too because we share the same love or hate for old bosses and other co-workers who may be on Facebook as well. I even found the guy who gave me my first television gig, the person who groomed me for radio and the Shejay who saved my life.

There are also people who have totally changed and I would have never recognized if I saw them on the street! We have all grown into adulthood quite nicely and it makes me happy to see people I’ve shared so many memories with doing the grown-up thing. But the question remains the same…what made us lose touch? If we were once so close, why didn’t we stay in contact?

There are people on Facebook I’ve had at my slumber parties, went to school dances with, got on punishment for, used as an emotional pillow, hung out with so much that folks called us by each others name, vented about my sister to, snuck into clubs to hang with, worked with at a job we hated, hung out at each others houses as teens, pledged with, grew up with, dated, was a big sister to, went away for Spring Break with, sat with at my very first funeral, caused ruckus in B-more with, and were so tight in school that we recently had this very same conversation I’m blogging about now.

So how did we all go from being so close to either not communicating at all or just chit chatting once in a while to find out updates? When you talk to the folks you reunite with on Facebook do you ask yourself or them the same question? Don’t get me wrong, I realize that people grow up and grow apart. But isn’t it crazy how after falling in love with Facebook we pick up where we left off with one another?

Well I’m glad that many of us were able to re-connect. Facebook is the ish! To be honest, having these flashbacks and renewing our special bonds remind me that true friendship really never dies. I did meet new people and started a new life that some of my old friends aren’t necessarily aware of…but new friendships will never take their place or erase the many memories we’ve cherished over the years.

Welcome back!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Claudia