Honesty is an Active Verb, not a Passive Noun. Go out of your way to be truthful, beginning with things that you say to yourself ~ Joe Tye
Easier said than done! So guess what? I've finally conceded! Yes...I give up. I quit. No mas! I've had enough! And sincere apologies to anyone who has ever argued definitively that people can't handle the truth. I think you may be right.
Truth is the most feared Noun in life...after DEATH. The truth is being dismissed, shot down, un-researched, unaccepted and given the middle finger to save lives, love, friendships and certain circumstances held together by lies.
But I actually still believe that the truth is better for me than being lied to. I don't like to have my options taken away from me. Let me decide! Give me the benefit of the doubt. Trust that even though it may hurt me, the truth is better for me.
And don't get me wrong...people close to me have spoken up about certain behavior or personality traits they've been uncomfortable with and have held noooooooo punches. I prefer it that way! I've been called bossy, stubborn, sensitive, brash, long-winded, some-timey, and other adjectives to my face. And even after humbly and hesitantly crawling into a hole just big enough for me and my bruised ego, I think about what's been said and observed and make honest efforts to adjust.
Pinky swear!
No one I know likes to be called out. No one I know likes to hear ugly truths about themselves. But sometimes it's necessary! Necessary for growth. How will you be a better person to yourself and others if you don't grow? Maybe it's that good ole fashioned excuse quite a few people use...you know the one, right? "You can't teach an old dog new tricks!" Or the militant and defiant, "this is how I am and I'm not going to change."
I can understand that to a certain extent. Once you're comfortable with yourself, it can be difficult to start changing up to please others. But it's deeper than that and periodically not recognized as important enough. Why? Because egos are being put ahead of the feelings of others. But what if what you are doing hurts them? What if it hurts yourself? What if no one has ever "checked" you because it can hurt the relationship or friendship?
Or...
What if it's because you can't handle the truth...or you're too immature to receive it?
Ugh!
And now I'm STUCK. There are more truths I've found myself keeping to myself in the past year than ever before...because truth is killing relationships!
Lately, I've been about that, speak-now-or-forever-hold-your-peace way of life....and I've been holding it! I can't tell the truth anymore. Doesn't mean I'm habitually lying, (that's not what I'm saying.) I'm saying that honesty hasn't been the best policy lately...no matter how softly I cushion the blow.
So like I said...I'm stuck. Has this ever happened to you? Do you suppress your opinions and solicited advice for the sake of peace? I'm not talking professional relationships or virtual bonds on Twitter and Facebook either! This blog post is about real-life friends and family you CAN'T tell the truth to.
My High School Bestie was a bit of a whore. Naw...she was a whore. My mom called it, my homeboys took advantage of it, my other home-girls hated it, and I knew it. But I'd always say, "no" when she'd ask me if I thought she was one. Damn I shouldn't have lied! But one of the reasons she's happily married today is because of how immediate she slept with her husband. He stopped her whore-ish ways but should I have?
More recently at an event, a friend told me that my breath was stinking and handed me some gum. Mind you, I had just brushed my teeth before leaving the damn office so I was perplexed...but grateful. My heart dropped a little when she said it but with the same nasty smelling breath, I thanked her for her honesty. Plus I would've been sooooo embarrassed if instead of hugs and kisses, people turned away because my breath was burning their eye balls.
That may not be a big deal to some, but I'll never forget that. You know how many bad breaths I come across? You know how many times offering gum does NOT work? It was a small gesture, plus she offered a solution; not just criticism followed by possible ridicule.
But again...I digress. This isn't totally about superficial circumstances like how slutty a friend looks in a dress that is too damn small or how you really hate your dude's haircut. (Even though you should be honest in those situations too! LOL!) I'm talking bigger truths that can lead to hurt, confusion and sometimes...resentment.
It's hellish being in situations where you can't speak freely! We are living in a society where being delicate is somewhat a waste of time. I used to be able to hit 'em with a preamble that would "break the ice" and allow me to be expressive without concern that once we were done talking, we might NOT be ok. I've even gone above and beyond by taking partial blame! I've also given examples of other people's plights just so the scenario could be a relatable segue to discussing the truth of the moment. But I don't live in that world anymore.
People are more stressed, emotional, angry, resentful, stubborn, selfish and CRAZIER than ever before. Blame it on the Recession, broken relationships, broken hearts, daily day-to-day struggles and of course...that EGO. So I find myself playing it safe. But is that fair? Is it fair to me or you or whomever else the particular truth may effect?
I won't drink or eat anything from a homey of mine because she keeps a nasty house. A friend once told me, "no one likes to hear anything about their kids because you're criticizing their parenting", so I say nothing about her kid's behavior. A colleague smokes cigarettes all the time and STINKS all of the time! Breaking News: Perfume, Cologne, and mints do NOT help Smokers. So I stand at a distance when I talk to her and I don't ride with her a-n-y-w-h-e-r-e.
My sister, who has NEVER been able to hold back her truths about me, just recently told a mutual friend that this year, she will be "more selfish than ever before." But the general consensus is that she is already abundantly selfish and often hard to stomach; but no one will dare say that to her face...and if they did, she wouldn't care.
I used to get into arguments all the time with someone I love because of how he treated me over the years. Instead of listening, he'd get extremely defensive, disrespectful and callous. So now I keep a distance because he is THE perfect example of, "this is how I am and I'm not going to change" with a dash of "deal with it" and a sprinkle of Kanye West Shrugs on top.
I have another friend whose boyfriend annoys the shit out of everyone. She doesn't want to hear it and if the subject does come up, the interrogation process mirrors a deposition causing nothing but further discomfort and regret. So what do I do? Smile! You know why? Because the truth can become awkward and misinterpreted when spoken out loud.
But who can live like this?
I just wrote a "Dear John" or should I say, "Dear Joan" letter to a friend I could not tell any truths to. This was the 1st time ever in my life that I've come across someone who defiantly rebuffs the truth on all counts and blames EVERYTHING on EVERYONE else. Shit! Even when I'm defensive I find where I made a foul. Her belligerence, combativeness and foul mouth left no room for true friendship. But I couldn't even tell her this...I had to write it down and deliver it in a card like she was a man I was breaking up with. SMH. I was unhappy around her. My spirit was battered. So when the lies she was living began to effect me emotionally...it was time to go.
Nasty habits, stank attitudes, selfish behavior, questionable parenting, bad hygiene, gross misconduct, rubbing folks the wrong way, lack of respect for others, lack of home-training, and lies! Either I'm shitty at Casting my real-life friends or I'm more forgiving than I need to be. Or could it be that without lies, the ability to let things go,"sugar-coating", and the art of minding-your-own business, we would all be lonely and have NO friends who in essence deal with and regularly forgive our bullshit too?
So what say you? Would you tell a friend that you were uncomfortable sitting on their toilet or snitch on their child? Would you tell your lazy friend that she is lazy? Is sucking-it-up the best solution when friends bring outsiders you CAN'T STAND into your circle? And how comfortable and often would you explain to a friend who has no regard for feelings that how they talk to people is not acceptable? Could you keep it real with your friend about how putting random men before her kid might not be a good idea? What if you don't like your friend's music, blog, artwork or way of life....would you tell them? And do you accept family and not hold them accountable for the sake of Family?
Tell the truth! Would YOU want to hear the truth? It hurts and often cuts both ways. And I'm noticing that more and more messengers of the truth suffer worse than the actual offenders! So is it better to be hurt by the raw truth or be comfortably deceived? And when you blame and criticize others, are you avoiding some truth about yourself?
Hey...I don't have all of the answers, but in college I was taught that all truth passes thru 3 stages. 1st, it is ridiculed. 2nd, it is violently opposed, and 3rd...it's accepted as self-evident.
Sounds about right!
But no cliches or famous quotes can erase that feeling you get after finding out you've been lied to. And nothing takes away that unnerving feeling you get in the bottom of your stomach when you hold back how you feel from someone you care about.
With that being said...in a not-so-perfect-world, I'd rather be hated for telling the truth than loved for feeding you lies. But in THIS world? This world right here? This cold, unforgiving, politically incorrect, sympathy deficient world....I think I may take it easy.
So in conclusion...I promise to tell some of the truth, not the whole truth and nothing but the Bullshit Truth....So help me God.
Sincerely,
Claudia Mocha Jean
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