The EX Factor

No matter how I think we grow, you always seem to let me know…it ain’t working-Lauryn Hill

Your former lover, a person you dated, a past boyfriend, a previous girlfriend: The EX. I think some Exes make it easy for you to HATE them and although HATE is such a strong word and wasted energy…it’s often the first emotion felt when you discover that your hearts and desires no longer match. And it’s the despair you feel when it seems as if you’ve exhausted all efforts while the other person hasn’t contributed to trying to make things work.

And what about that word: TRYING? I was once told that “trying doesn’t feel natural.” This can be true on so many different levels. (Trying) can feel forced or annoying; but not usually for the person who is T-R-Y-I-N-G to make things work. That person usually feels born-again and wants to do whatever it takes to get him or her back. They’re given this new found energy and appreciation for what once was; while finding sensibility in things unnoticed and untouched during the previous relationship.

Well…why weren’t these things discovered when you were together? Why does it sometimes take an ending for there to be a beginning? Well my friends, I think the answer is as simple as the cliché often heard in songs, movies, from friends and even from your mother…”you don’t know what you’ve got ‘till it’s gone.”

So what makes you want to try AGAIN? Maybe because of a misunderstanding? Perhaps one of you f*cked up? Or maybe it’s because you don’t want to face the cold world of dating all over AGAIN?! Starting over requires you to pay attention & take notes. You have to be open to discovering and embracing a new person’s likes, dislikes, friends, family, quirks, insecurities, hopes, dreams, style & smell…yup...their smell. Thhhhhhhhhhhhen you have to decide if it’s worth pursuing or if you’d like the pursuit of you to continue.

Once that decision is made, then what? Then comes that thing grown-ups do which can be a bit tricky or detrimental if you’re not careful. S.E.X! Sex can be a major factor in a relationship, right? It can make you stronger or tear you apart. I’ve never been the one to put sex over emotions nor has sex brought me closer to a person emotionally. But I will admit to sex being better because of the emotional connection and I believe that deep down inside that is what a lot of us strive for.

But I digress…we are talking about the EX factor…the person you were t-r-y-i-n-g again with, sexing, and the one who may have given you new inspiration, hope, and a thirst you never thought you’d attain. But the catch is…he or she is the EX! And they are the EX for a reason! And if he or she doesn’t feel the same way you do, they will remain the EX, and so will you.

For most of my dating life I’ve been notorious for going back to Exes. I’ll admit there was a comforting feeling there. Why? Because we naturally gravitate to what we know. We find safety in the familiar. And even if it’s an unhealthy situation that has all the signs pointing to NO WHERE…we still pull towards that direction and become deaf to that gut feeling in our stomach that told us NOT to go that way in the first place. Ugh!

I had a situation that never had a good stretch. We just never had enough time to truly get to know each other and grow. For a while we kept trying here and there, (if and when we both had time and were both sort of available.) But the unavailability issue was mostly him and not me. And since I was the one who always remained “cool” and made sure we kept in touch…I indirectly gave him permission to never have to put in any work. NEVER. Then I got used to my position or position(s). I was the friend…the communicator…the excuse acceptor…the down for anything chick…the supporter…the selfless cheerleader…the one always excited when he would come around or called, even if it was late night…the one who came AFTER, family, work, friends, and other chicks who for some strange reason made the girlfriend club while I remained patient and understanding that “timing” was always our issue. Hmmmm…But in actuality I had no real position and didn’t know I was setting myself up to be hurt.

Why do we ignore the signs? Why did I ignore what he’s been telling me without verbally having to tell me? Let me tell you…some people are more upfront with their actions and don’t need words.

Can I get a witness?

And you would think one would get the hint if every time you call…you get voicemail or a response via text. Or when you think you are being supportive by giving them space, they’re opening that space up to others who may comfort them in a way you aren’t privileged to know about. And little sincere gestures you make in an effort to show you care are met with resistance and doubt, (as if you lied and made up your feelings and your parents really named you AGENDA, first name HIDDEN.) How about when you find yourself n-e-v-e-r being asked if there’s anything you need…especially when this time you’re the one in need? It hurts when he or she doesn’t check in on you during your off-season(s), right? ‘Cause when you two are not dating each other…to them you do NOT exist! ---> NOT EVEN ON YOUR BIRTHDAY :(

And if you’re really unsure about whether or not their actions are speaking LOUDLY enough…try being “friends” with them on a social media networking website like Facebook, Twitter or MySpace! You’ll truly know how they feel about you when you see them playing with their internet friends and updating their statuses with subliminal messages while your phone DOES NOT ring or messages you wrote are ignored.

Giving yourself when the person isn’t listening to you, investing in you, feeling you or is just plain NOT into you can be a wake-up call you didn’t expect, but needed…Trust me. Why? Because IN YOUR MIND, he or she is supposed to notice that you are different from all the rest. They’re supposed to notice that you are “special.” They’re supposed to love being around you the way others do. They’re supposed to pay close attention to detail and enjoy your quirky ways…the way the person you are NOT pursuing does. You know that person, right? It’s the HE or SHE who says all the right things and does everything you want the EX to do. Damn shame. Then you find yourself being the same cold person to that someone else that your ex is being to you. That is what just happened to me and I hurt that someone as a result of all this. I kept paying storage fees on a heart that was empty…meanwhile someone else had room for me with no charge.

Soooooooooo…in comes that word HATE I spoke about earlier. It’s such a horrible word that leads to a world of misery and resentment. I ask myself if I HATE him and eeeeeeeeevery day my answer changes. Or maybe in actuality I HATE myself for caring for him all willy nilly. And my heart feels heavy because anything that reminds me of him (lately) turns my smile into a frown…even though he didn’t beat me up, spit on me, call me names, or force me to do anything. But sometimes neglect and selfishness can leave you with so much distress that you mistake hurt for HATE…and that’s where I’m at now people!

But guess what? Most Exes are doing what they’re supposed to be doing…Loving him or her-self and putting themselves FIRST. Isn’t that what we all are supposed to be doing? If we did, we wouldn’t be worried about the EX and we’d make room for the next…get it? I know some things are easier said than done…and situations that end amicably don’t always remain amicable. However, I don’t think anyone sets out to be bitter, hurt or vexed. Nor do I think the EX is always deliberate and calculated with his or her actions…or lack thereof. But they sure don’t make it easy by giving mixed signals or living in the “grey area.” And clarity & closure were not their major or minor in the University of Life. So f*ck it! You want c-l-o-s-u-r-e? Close the sh*t yourself.

Make the last straw THE ABSOLUTE last straw. Walk forward, not backwards. Lopsided relationships are not sexy or fashionable. Besides…your friends are tired of hearing about it, he or she is NOT trying to have “the talk” again and the stress shows in your face and hardens the heart. Believe me…I KNOW!

Lessons are blessings that come in so many forms and I thank GOD it took someone I love, NOT to love me back in order for me to realize that my love should be earned and not taken for granted…even if he has NO CLUE. And if he doesn’t see it and neeeeeeeever gets it…well then! That’s yet another reason he’ll remain the EX-Factor.

1 year older and 1 day wiser…Happy Birthday to me!

For Supa, Porscha, Jeff, Yaz & Raedawn…xoxoxoxoxo

Claudia “Mocha” Jean

“See I know what we’ve got to do…You let go, and I’ll let go too…‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you…and no one ever will…”

http://www.rhapsody.com/lauryn-hill/the-miseducation-of-lauryn-hill/ex-factor/lyrics.html