Dating: The New Hustling Backwards

I've participated in 4 conversations with 4 different friends in the past week about the same damn thing and it's scary! Yes, SCARY because it appears that the current way of "dating" is the new wave and quickly devaluing any type of traditionalism we either were brought up on or have seen in movies. Yeah...movies are somewhat superficial, but there's nothing wrong with wanting and maybe even expecting the nicer side of dating. It's not all make-believe! There was a time when people consistently went on dates, held hands, talked on the phone, and naturally progressed into full fledged romantic relationships. But ready or not...this new thing, this nonchalant thing, this casual unchivalrous and emotionally detached thing is what's turning into the norm.  We don't date anymore! And we also don't have the patience for feelings. Ouch! So what do we do? We just go with a bullshit flow that one party is happy with while the other suffers in silence.

And silence is deadly! Stress can kill you quicker than any Cancer; and being miserable in a faux relationship is a Cancer in itself. But in addition to just sucking it up, there are additional risks you take when NOT complying with this new way of romancing, sans the romance of course. You run the risk of scaring off whomever your faux suitor is because if what you want isn't what he wants, he'll leave you with your face on the floor, heart on your sleeve, a huge chip on your shoulder, bags under your eyes...and ALONE.  You don't want to lose a friend, but what kind of friend forces your hand when it comes to interests of the heart?

But I'll get back to all that...let's talk about the basics.

We're either doing the "meeting up" thing or "coming over to chill" thing...but there is no substance. What happened to actual dating activities that would cause you to put away your cell phone and get to know each other? We don't do that anymore? What about talking? Are we still JUST Texting? Out of all the things we can do, bowling, bike riding, dinner, lunch, the movies, long drives, nice walks, Broadway plays, visits to a museum, amusement park trips, a day at the beach, etc., you mean to tell me all you want to do is "meet up" at a bar for drinks or just come over the house?

And what comes 1st now...the date or sex? Nowadays it seems like it's, let's have sex 1st THEN figure out if we like each other. Or, let's have sex but after sex let me let you know that I'm not looking for a relationship and I hope you can understand that.

WAIT! Then whyyyyyyyyyyyy have sex? Whhhhhhhhhhhat is going on?

Well let me address the latter part because it seems like a lot of my peeps are experiencing the same plays from the same book that some guys seem to rehearse over and over to a point where they believe the bullshit they're selling women. Yeah, you dick-heads disguised as Nice Guys...YOU!

You say you enjoyed the sex but are not ready for a relationship is saying, (how can I say this politely), that we are good enough to fuck but not anything else.

Not putting words in your mouth but for some women it's not a black and white clear cut issue. It's much deeper and could be less complicated if some men used empathy and understood the bigger picture.

There is no goal to be: just a FUCK. Who aspires to be JUST that?  And you can add all the sugar, spice, everything nice and all the flowery words you want, but no matter how you say it...if all you wanted was sex with nothing else and you convey that AFTER sex transpired...it stings BADLY, it's not cool, and unfortunately is something that can rarely be negotiated.

1st of all, we shouldn't have to negotiate but when the decision is made for us in such an early part of the game, it leaves no room for anything else to be decided.

How can one decide off the bat that you don't want anything else? How does one take away the option before an option has presented itself? No growth, no natural progression, no possibility for anything else but a "good friendship" with an open invitation for more rounds of sex? UGH.

And here is how we save face so that we don't appear wounded or flip out and show you the CRAZY we don't want you to see. We either smile and accept the lower tier level of a relationship that never was because we don't want to lose all of you, or we get mad and end the friendship that probably never was because friends don't do each other like that. You feel me?

And don't get me wrong, fellas...Yes we like sex just as much as you do. YES we most likely want to have sex with you, when you do, all the time. STILL. Like now. Yes.

However...

It's very hard to separate the 2...you know, sex AND emotions. And it would be different if an option were given....but from what I'm noticing, it's no options-just sex, an occasional Text, and mayyyybe an invite to an event where it won't be just the 2 of you...take it or leave it! And I don't see many women leaving it...which goes back to what I was saying before. There's a high risk in being honest, right? You may end up singing, "I can do bad all by myself" and be left by your damn self! Lonely, horny but honest with him and yourself.  Which can lead to other annoying sayings that come at the wrong and right time...at the same damn time. You know the cliches! "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to," and my favorite backfiring notable quotable, "honesty is the best policy."

*Deep sigh*

But we can't get mad at honesty, right? Though it stings like a bee, it's far worse to be lied to. But not revealing your intentions upfront is just as bad as a lie and some men are hurting the wrong caliber of women. Not everyone has ill intentions, likes "bad boys" or is a gold digging, Reality show lifestyle living, connoisseur of ratchet, and/or an aficionado of ignorant behavior. And not everyone deserves the same treatment, speeches, games being played or lack of empathy.

So how can everyone be happy? Is there a happy medium? Is compromising actually compromising yourself? How do we get back to substance, dating, liking each other, talking, spending face to face time and yes...sex too?

Is it really so bad to date or is dating the new hustling backwards?

No I don't have the answers but let's start the dialogue.

Go...

CMJ