Sunday, November 23, 2014

When Keeping it Cosby Goes Wrong...

So hey there....hey! 
I went over to Facebook to "like" some posts, check on Birthdays, and see what was generally being discussed when I came across a status update posted by a friend. The following is a series of Tweets I posted afterwards. By the next morning, he deleted his Facebook page.
@HelloMocha






























CMJ
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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Dating in New York City...a Casting Story.





Soooooooooooooo...

I'm working on a relationship show and I'm starting to get "the sads."

1st of all, just on a presentation and Casting note...if you're submitting photos while trying to find love, you reeeeeeally shouldn't send in mean mugging pics. Yes, I do realize that NY is THE mean-mugging capitol of the world, but you get more with honey than vinegar! How do you expect someone to be remotely interested if you look like you want to fight?
  
...but back to my sadness. :(
  
Seems like many many many women have the same dating woes in NY. I'm talking about fabulous, fly, friendly, successful and ready for love women. But it's the same story! No matter what age...younger and older, these men they encounter do not want relationships. They want sex. JUST sex.

And there are levels to these same sad and common NY dating stories! These men wait until after sex to tell them know that they only want sex or they wait until it feels like a relationship to say they only wanted sex. Seems like the guys don't care if the woman ends up hurt or hating them...sex is their only want and need.

Soooo...even when these women are clear, it doesn't end up in a long term committed monogamous relationship. And talking to these women in person and on the phone has me stressed because I'm sure that the problem CAN NOT be all on them. Can it? Then on top of that, these women have been single on an average of 3-5 years! 3 to 5 years SINGLE? 

Whyyyyyyyyy?
  
With so many men and women in NY, I refuse to believe that single life is the only option. However...One observation may support that notion: A lot of NY men don't know how to court or date. Observation #2: A lot of NY men don't know how to talk to women nicely.

Y'all are a little rough around the edges!!!!!
  
And I'm not just talking about men who may appear rough on the exterior! I'm talking to the Pretty Boy Floyds too. Yeah, you! Be nice!

Not sure what the psychology is behind the behavior but if you want nice, shouldn't you be nice? Where does talking down to women get you? If you want a nice woman that you don't plan on "ruining," shouldn't you be nice to her?

Then there are men who you have to remind that we are women. Ugh! I think some get so comfortable or are so used to the slick talking, fast talking NY hustle and grind mentality that they forget that tone matters.

How you speak to me is a reflection of how you feel about me.
  
Now back to the women I've been interviewing. Beautiful, some without kids, kind, nurturing, selfless, fun, great backgrounds and upbringings...SINGLE! Sooooo many! And the stories are the same!  

Is NY the roughest hardest place to date? Is it the culture? What about Black women vs White women vs non-American women? Which group is the loneliest in NYC?

As a Haitian woman who is strong and fearless in the field but submissive/nurturing at home...in my opinion, I think NY is a hateful place when it comes to romance. NY is not built for romance! Waaaaaait...let me explain!  Aesthetically, it is the most romantic place ever! Between restaurants, Plays, Museums, novelty shops for the most original gifts, parks, Historic venues, Art, outdoor activities and Groupon...NY is the SHIT! There is too much going on for Romance not to be found or developed. Shit is motivational. You can fall in love with the idea of NY. 

However!

Fundamentally...NY is too rough for romance. Too slick. Too casual. Too nonchalant. Unapologetic. Drama filled. Loud. Rude. Selfish! Even the Homeless are elitists! Dudes won't hold doors, give up seats on trains, move out of a woman's way on side walks, hail you a taxi, or walk with you on the street. Yes...that last one is a Pet Peeve of mine till death! If we are going somewhere together, why are you walking ahead of me? And dudes don't even invite you out in NY. They want to meet up or better yet...Tweet up! Oh.

 So if you are missing the basics, how can NY Romance strive? 

 ...and then there are the women in NY like the ones I'm interviewing who oblige. Oy! And if they're not obliging in that way, they're playing the role of the man. Desperation maybe? Loneliness? Fatigue? Or are you trying to raise men whose father's didn't? Paying for dinners, always the inviter, holding doors open, 1st to call or text, all while still being the nurturing feminine woman?

This project low key has me depressed! Shaaaaaaaaaaaaat! Pardon me, NY, but what happened to: Do you like me? Circle yes or no? What happened to talking, building, learning each other, courting and romance? 

Is this city about that romance life or are you only good enough as a backdrop for romantic films?

Let me find out NY is only good on paper!

Listen...Whether you agree or disagree, hate my metaphors and similes or are clapping along like I'm preaching in church, these stories and experiences are out there and are not unique. I don't have the answers, you feel me? I only can give my opinions based on experience, observations and what's being told to me in these interviews. My only wish is that we can talk about it, be honest about what we want and don't, be a bit flexible, find a happy medium, and take advantage of everything New York City has to offer...together. 

CMJ

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Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Dear John...I mean, Text



Dear Text Message…

Hey, you.  Got a minute?  There are some things on my mind and I don’t know how to say this but it needs to be said.  I realize that this isn’t your preferred method of communicating but I have to do what’s best for me, what’s best for us, what’s best for those who know us both, and honestly...this isn’t working.

I think we should go our separate ways.

I’m not going to lie and say it’s not you, it’s me…because it truly is YOU.  Now it’s not all on you, but those who use you to communicate with me have not done you justice and it’s making me resentful in the process.  I understand that you don’t have total control of how people handle you and sometimes abuse your convenient ways…but something has got to give.  I’m at a point where everything about you annoys me, sometimes angers me and even has me questioning my own sanity and values.  I say all that to say…I can’t do this with you anymore.  

 NOPE!
I should have stuck to my guns in the beginning when I never had you.  Remember those days?  People would constantly push you on me, side eye me for not using you, question my carrier service, beg me to try you just once.  I even wrote a blog about dating and you.  “Do you want to date me or Text me?”  That was a good one!  And I stood my ground for the longest.  It was hard explaining to loved ones, friends and colleagues why you and I didn’t make sense, but it wasn’t about all of them…it was about me and you. 

I never fell for your charm and easily accessible ways because I preferred the more personable route.  While you serve quickies and resolutions in a NY Minute, I was looking for more of a commitment…sometimes a paper trail, other times more details in one email or a quick phone call rather than what 30 annoying back-to-back messages in a row would provide.  When folks would get upset about tone, I preferred to call so they could hear me and my words, my inflection, my enthusiasm, happiness or lack thereof. 
But it wasn’t easy avoiding you all this time; and some of the rewards have been great.  However… I’ve gotten the chance to get to know people and get a better understanding of how they feel by just listening vs. reading what they’d have to say.  Even voice mail messages have improved from people who claim they normally did not do that…but once they realized how easy it could be and how quickly I’d respond, they’d oblige and continue that method without much pressure or pain.

I can’t say the same for you though!  I stepped out of my comfort zone, joined the masses, and decided this past Summer to try you out.  I have never been the type to adhere to peer pressure or subscribe to “what’s hot in these streets,” but I also didn’t want to be like that dated and out-of-style person you’d see in the club who doesn’t know the latest and greatest fashion or dances.  
I was so hesitant at first because I knew that once we started, others would follow and I might lose that personal touch I worked so hard to gain. Nevertheless, I decided to take a chance and almost 6 months later…I’m ready to let you go.
Now don’t get me wrong…you most definitely have a use.  I’ve had THE funniest and sometimes heartwarming convos via you. I couldn’t believe it myself!  Me? Miss Anti-Text!?!  I’ve been so Pro-phone call all this time that I didn’t realize I was changing, conforming…turning into those I’ve criticized and avoided because all they do is TEXT. And you’ve come in handy on many occasions when only quick and short communication has been necessary.  Lovely ETA updates,  nice hello and good night messages, phone number/email/address exchanges, smiley faces after a message has gone wrong…only to make it right, XOXOs from my nieces, jokes from friends, and naughty exchanges between me and HIM.  Ahhhh…good times. 
But what about the not-so-good-times?  We already know about the car accidents, deaths, and screen-cap tragedies that end up on Social Media, right? 
And how about when you are in the middle of a text convo, a juicy one, and HIM or HER leave you hanging? By the time they text back, you're just skin and bones...
But there have also been misinterpreted messages, misread tone, unnecessary awkward silences after receiving or sending something to the wrong person, awkward silences while waiting on a response to something personal or deep that we’ve shared and hope isn’t shared with others, and halted movements at the hands of those who have information needed in order for us to make our next move…literally.  You know how crazy it looks to be waiting on you JUST so I can leave or arrive?  And sometimes you don’t come until the next day!  So what happens next is resentment, anger, distrust, saltiness and…the lies.
 YUP!
So many have lied on you so they wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences.  Mind you, these are most likely THE SAME ones who rely on you so heavily that you wouldn’t know what their actual hands look like!  All you see is the phone and heads down. But that doesn’t stop them from using you as a scapegoat, does it?  I didn’t get the Text.  My phone died.  I didn’t have service.  The connection was bad.  I was in a dead spot.  I didn’t see it till this morning.  You sent a Text?  When?  I didn’t know you needed a response.
See…I can only deal with so much.  Not that everyone is lying on you but if there are constant issues with you AND the common denominator is YOU…then YOU have to go.  Sorry.
Maybe we can be friends?  I don’t want to completely lose you…especially since so many people are fond of you.  You’re not all bad!  It’s just that some people don’t know a good thing when they have it and end up spoiling it for the rest of us.  So let’s make a deal.  I won’t ignore you COMPLETELY, dismiss you, or disable you. But I will not be able to use you like I have been for the past few months.  Only for quick exchanges, an occasional hello or check in, and ETA/I’ve arrived updates for sure. Maybe. Cool?
But some of these periodically deep, sometimes critical, ever so often snappy, uncertainly misunderstood, randomly random, impersonally personal, awkwardly silencing Text messages need to end…today and now.
I know you don’t agree with me and I’m sorry if this hurts you.  That certainly is not my intention.  I just wanted to be woman enough to admit that this method really isn’t my thing and I was doing it mostly for everyone else and not for me.  I hope you understand and respect my decision.

Call me…

CMJ
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