Compromise….A Dirty Little Sneaky Word

So is it me or do men compromise much less when it comes to who they choose as a mate? And women often settle or give in, don’t we?

Seems like more and more of my girlfriends are settling or sacrificing their wants and desires for fear of being alone, they feel pressures from society, or they get Jedi Mind-tricked into believing that if you’re a “single woman”, that means something MUST be wrong with YOU.

And what about that word COMPROMISE? I’ve met quite a few guys who don’t really do a lot of the things that I like but because they were interested, they did them with me. I’ve also met guys who were stuck in their ways and very happy! Blame it on the man/woman ratio or the fact that quite a few women accept the bare minimum. Either way, these new breed of men don’t care, will let you know, and will let you go! (Noooooooo compromise!) 

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I know so many guys who don’t partake because it’s “not their thing.” Soooooo?!?! If it’s my thing and you like me, why not participate for me and WITH me? There are men who would stay home or hang out with their boys rather than do something sweet for a woman who likes to celebrate the holiday? I’ve heard excuses from, “it’s not a real Holiday” to “it’s marketed for women.” EXACTLY! Valentine's Day + You + Lovey-Dovey Girlie mushy stuff = A happy me which then equates to a Happy YOU. Dumb Dumbs!

I dated a guy like that once but Valentine’s Day wasn’t really the issue. He had all the qualities I wanted in a man. Great physique, smarts, common interests, similar professional background…I was sold. But I found myself constantly feeling disappointed when it came to us and how nonchalant he was with his efforts. 

Here’s the thing…he assured me that he was a one-woman-guy. Wherever he said he would be…he would be there. Work came 1^st and everything else would fall into place by default…including me. I wasn’t comfortable with that but I held my tongue.Why? Because all of his other qualities out shadowed the little things that would disappoint me. (So I thought!) But the little things added up to big things and the big things eventually pushed me away. 

The 1^st time he visited; he had on street clothes, a baseball cap and came empty handed.  I asked him to remove his hat, (he said he had it on because he didn’t get his hair cut and didn’t shave.) In my head I asked, why not?  Why would you come see me for the 1^st time and NOT have your sh!t together? I didn’t even bother to ask why he came without a bottle of wine or something. Everyone was brought up differently, I guess. (Oh…that was another thought I kept only in my head.)

But I remember a time when I wouldn’t have to say anything to a guy about little things like that. They just did it! Guys paid attention to how they presented themselves to you because they wanted to make a good impression. Nowadays efforts are barely made and some don’t apologize either! It’s more like, “take it or leave it!” But when these roles are reversed, some of these men would be the 1^st to run in the opposite direction. And honestly I don’t have many male friends who compromise when it comes to women. “If she doesn’t do this or that or blah, blah, blah…she’s cut!” And my guy friends aren’t as forgiving as most women tend to be.

Well as for this particular guy, he loved to come over or have me at his house. I always had food, snacks, drinks or something going on at my house for us to enjoy while we enjoyed each other’s company. At his house…not so much. He never offered me anything and never had food because he always ate out. So the conversation (in my head) went like this, “even if you don’t cook, why not have Take-Out or bring home something if you know I’m coming over? Why not say, “hey babe…what do you want me to pick up on my way home?” 

All we did was watch movies and cuddle up on the couch. I love to do both by the way, but that’s all we ever did. So after I had enough of the same old NOTHING, I mentioned the little things that bothered me that I never mentioned to him before. His response, “I’m not that dude.”

YIKES!

“I’m not into the cutesy stuff…Cooking for you, gifts, cards, flowers, holding hands, kissing for a long time or being hugged up in public. If you are my girl, you’re my girl. I don’t like that other stuff.” Wow! How do you respond to that? He then went on to list a slew of things he doesn’t do in a relationship. ALL of which were things I felt I needed in a relationship.

Uh oh.

He doesn’t open doors, doesn’t like to go to the movies, hates bowling, didn’t like to go to events, didn’t want to be around my friends, and wouldn’t even play me in Scrabble when we were by ourselves. No Scrabble? He wasn’t an atheist but didn’t care about religion or any type of spirituality. He hates kids! He also hated the kind of music I like…he was wayyyy more into Hip-Hop than me and he didn’t understand my love for sports. Ugh!

We hit a bump in the road. (More like a wall.) He wanted me to compromise. His idea of us compromising was me just accepting who he was and being happy with it. Here was this guy, 6’4, beautiful teeth, great profession, non-smoker, no kids, single, smart, great body, wonderful sense of humor…but he didn’t like any of the relationship stuff some may find trivial while others like me find necessary.

How does one attack this particular problem? Compromise, right? There goes that dirty little sneaky word again! I can deal with the hat wearing, sometimes no haircut, and never cooking thing. Some would probably say, “be happy, Claudia! If he’s faithful and a good guy….soooooo what?”  But if you are accustomed to certain things…how much should you give up for whom appears to be Mr. Right? Fellas…same question goes to you. If she walks like Mrs. Right and talks like Mrs. Right but her actions are Mrs. Wrong…what do you do? What would you sacrifice? How much would you compromise? 

Well after his “I’m not that dude” comment, things between us started to run out of gas and the excitement I initially felt was gone. But a different feeling took its place. GUILT!  I started to feel guilty because I was losing interest in what some would call a “good catch.”  But he’s the one who said it…not me! “I’m not that dude.”

But I’m that chick though!

I like the little things. They make me hella happy! I can compromise to a certain extent but no man should make me feel like he’s the gift and I should rearrange what’s in my brain so that his ideals fit. And who’s courting whom nowadays? Women are supposed to be courted but I see US putting in the work while some men implement a bunch of seek-and-destroy missions. Then comes the break-down of  communication, tears, baggy eyes, arguments, insecurities, weight loss or weight gain and boom…another unhealthy relationship that either ends in flames or painfully proceeds. 

We must be smarter with our choices. We have to remember that the choice is ours! And don’t get me wrong…I’m not male bashing or saying that sometimes some of us, (women and MEN), can’t be too picky. We can be…and have the right to be, yes? When it comes to happiness, marriage and thoughts of kids, don’t we have the right to be with whom we really want vs. what he or she appears to be?

Well I already compromise Dammit! Don't most of us deal with men or women on a case by case basis? One person may do half of the things you enjoy while another may introduce you to a new form of relationship appreciation I’ve never experienced. Or better yet…you may meet someone who gives you EVERYTHING you want and more. 

But what should be done in the meantime? Do you suppress your feelings if you aren't fully satisfied? Do you revise your list of what you feel is the perfect mate? Do you put his or her expectations ahead of yours for a relationship that may make you resentful in the long run?  And how early is too early to start compromising? 

How about this…how about you let him be that dude he wants to be and you be that confident woman you were once happy to be without changing in order to catch him? When you compromise to a point of reducing yourself for the sake of someone else’s happiness, it’s no longer a compromise, it’s mental slavery. 

Hey...we can all use a swift kick in the bum for mistakes like these we’ve made in relationships that could have easily been avoided. But one thing is for certain…loving yourself 1^st should never be traded, negotiated or taken lightly! Don’t be afraid to walk away; and if letting him go because he is NOT that dude means you get to remain who you are…walk! There is no com-pro-mise in self-love! Say that 3 times…and believe it.

(Insert Kanye Shrug here….)

C.