10 Things Casting Directors Want You To Know

Ever had an audition you knew you aced? The one that was a sure thing? All you had to do was wait for the call from the casting director confirming the booking. But the call never came and you were left wondering what the heck the casting director was looking for. I mean, you're a fantastic actor! Rather than leave you wondering what these crazy casting directors want, we picked the brains of a few on-camera auditioning experts: Meredith Jacobson Marciano, founder of Amerifilm Casting; Peter Kelley, long-time casting director and coach; and Breanna Benjamin, a director, industry veteran, and President of the Creative Talent Company. Here are the top ten things they think you should remember for your next on-camera audition!
 
1. Don't worry about the words
Forget memorizing lines. Casting directors don't care about that. Meredith Jacobson Marciano of Amerifilm Casting says, "If it's a first audition, we're surprised if you come in off book." What is expected is that you show the personality and bones of the character. "We know that the actor isn't going to be able to memorize the lines for an audition. We aren't worried," says Breanna Benjamin. "What we're looking for is the character. Encompass those things rather than being intent on the lines."

2. Ask questions -- but only if you really need to
"When we ask if you have any questions, it's only to help you get clarity if there's something in the sides that's confusing," says Peter Kelley. "Very often the best auditions come from actors who just say 'nope' and dive right in." It is your job to show up knowing all that you can possibly know about the part you are reading for. "I'm not crazy about someone who comes in and asks a million questions because often they could get the answers from their manager or agent," says Meredith Jacobson Marciano. If you're only given sides -- that should be enough. "Find out what you can ahead of time -- be prepared," says Marciano. "You don't know how many people are waiting!"

3. Listen and react
"The camera loves to watch you listen," says Peter Kelley. "Make the audition about the other person, even if the reader isn't giving you much. Don't check out or wait to act when it's not your line." Don't be afraid to let what is happening sink in a little. "In real life you internalize things," says Breanna Benjamin. "We like to see the actor think and respond. It isn't a matter of clipping off the lines."

4. Get it right the first time
You're not coming to an on-camera audition to get coached. You are there to blow them away the first time. Come prepared (know who your character is, what you want, etc.) and blow them away. "Someone who just nails it is impressive," says Meredith Jacobson Marciano. "Be on it." The guys in charge might not think you deserve a second chance. "They will think that they just saw your best the first time you did it," says Peter Kelley. "I've seen many theatre actors walk in, fire through a read and be shocked when the only response is: 'Great! Thanks.' That, in my experience, is common. Don't be a second take actor."

5. Be flexible
If you do get a second chance make the most of it. Casting directors love an actor that can take direction well. They are going to throw things at you to see how skilled you are. "If you can tell an actor to tweak something and they change it to what you want," says Meredith Jacboson Marciano, "it's great." If you don't get any direction -- don't read into it. On-camera casting takes more time than a typical theatre audition. They might be renting the equipment and paying by the hour, or they might have to change tapes, etc. There's a chance they just might be running late.

6. Know what you look like on the monitor
A skill that always impresses Marciano is when an actor instinctively (or by training) knows how to work the camera. "It's important to see someone who is aware of the camera and knows how to do what they need to do with the camera on them," says Meredith Jacobson Marciano, "Learn how to position your body and face so the best parts are seen in the right way and at the most important times." One actor (who wishes to remain anonymous due to extreme embarrassment) remembers being told by a casting director that she looked like a bobble head doll. In person, her subtle movements were fine, but on film the camera magnified them. She had to learn through practice that some natural movements were too much on tape. Borrow a camcorder and find out what everyone else sees. Just don't be overly critical.
 
7. Know where to look
"When you are watching a television show actors are not looking into a camera," says Marciano. You want to connect with something -- but often people in the room with you are walking around or looking at papers. You also don't want to maintain constant eye contact with your scene partner or reader. Let your eyes wander -- a little bit. "Practice finding a focus point just above your eyeline (when you look straight ahead) to drift off to," says Peter Kelly. "You needn't keep an eye-lock on the reader. We often look away while processing things in life, and a second focus, to allow us to watch you think, can be nice during an audition. Just don't look down. Lots of us look down to think."
 
8. They are paying attention to you
If you think you're going unnoticed, you are wrong. "When I'm watching an audition I tend to watch the monitor. I'm looking to see how the actor looks on-camera," says Marciano. No matter what happens -- never assume they're ignoring you. Sometimes auditions are filmed and the person who is ultimately responsible for making the final casting call isn't there. What they see might be a tape of your audition. So don't count yourself out if it seems like no one cares about your performance.

9. Keep the moment going
The Casting Director wants to see what you look like when you aren't talking. They want to know that you "can stay with it until it's over," says Meredith Jacobson Marciano. When you get on a television show you won't have the option of yelling "cut" -- out loud or internally -- so start practicing now. Stopping the action before you're told annoys everyone. "Often the reader will have the last line and the director is watching your reaction and wants to see how you move on with life at the end of the scene," says Peter Kelley. "It's a real buzz-kill when the actor just kind of stops as soon as they get to the end of their last line."

10. You're a person first, actor second
"People don't hire actors," says Peter Kelley. "They hire people who can act. When it's close -- and it often is -- sometimes hiring decisions have to do with the person as much as the performance." So what does that mean? "Personality. Personality. Personality," says Breanna Benjamin.

*BONUS*

Tiny tidbits of truth from the pros:

• Don't be surprised if there isn't a camera -- even if it is for TV!
• Be nice to everyone -- the receptionist might be the casting director's sister. The director might look like an intern.
• Never complain -- we are in the same air conditioning that you are in.
• Never apologize -- we don't care if you're sorry you did a bad read.
• Never blame -- the person that didn't give you the script ahead of time might be the person hiring you.
• Don't schmooze -- we hate that!
• Don't look at us like we're about to perform a root canal -- we're nice people.
• Be professional -- after all, it is a job interview.  

By Khara Hanlon
http://www.instantcast.com/LearnAbout/Articles/tv_casting

Lights. Camera. Action!

I often talk to Models & Actors about the importance of exuding confidence! That means walking tall, shoulders back, chin up, eye contact, arriving on time, smiling, staying positive, being optimistic and blah blah blah. Sounds good, right?

Nothing blows more for a Casting Director than to walk into a room filled with grimacing Talent. Negative energy doesn’t make a good audition, just as negative energy doesn’t make a good production.

Which leads me to my next point! (Insert Segue here…)

I’d like to address some of my Creatives! My Crew and Behind-the-scene peeps from Production Assistants, to the Boom, to the Director, to Hair and make-up and beyond...

*Ahem*

It is vital to the creative process that we start and end a production on the same page.

In a Perfect World, the script is perfect, the crew is perfect, the Casting is superb, the Caterer is on time, and we made it under budget.

However...

In the REAL WORLD of Television, Film, Fashion & Event Production...ain't sh*t perfect! But the show must and still goes on. You feel me?

You know how it is when wardrobe doesn't fit, the Director didn't get his coffee, we're short a PA, the van broke down, an Actor pulled out, the props don't work, the permit didn't get approved, there’s no parking, we're over budget, child actors don’t want to cooperate and cry for Mommy, and its raining during an outside scene even after Al Roker said it would be SUNNY ALL DAY!!!

How about when there's a Skeleton Crew and the Make-up artist is also a Production Assistant…and the DP, Writer, and Director are the same person?! And let's not forget the times when the food is cold and you’re working overtime and all they have to offer is PIZZA?!?! I’m sick of PIZZA! But I still eat it. You know why…because the show must go on and I can’t work on an empty stomach. You know why else? The end result can be very rewarding...and if it is about the art, the work, the project, then it will lead to a credit, or nice look for the resume, a cool clip for your reel and or a lead for your next gig.

So understand that in the imperfect world of Production we must think positively while still being prepared for the worst, because at the end of the day…the show must go on. But how do we get over the humps? The distractions, the last minute changes, the Director's quirky ways or the Actor's Diva antics?

We shoot, Nucca!

Then we go home, have a drink or 2, throw up, f**k whomever is home or willing to come over at that hour, vent on Twitter, vent some more, get ready for Post, wrap up production and prepare for the next gig.

But while we are on set, we maintain composure, we take direction, we multi-task, we put out fires, we thug it out, then hug it out, and we SHOOT!

It is so important for Crew and all Behind-the-scenes people to be on the same page...even in distress. Negativity, pessimism, attitude, SHADE, unprofessional-ism and weak stomachs can fcuk up the vibe of the entire team. Vibe breeds creativity and “Creatives” can’t vibe off of negative energy. We just can’t.

So to my dedicated, crazy, ride or die, why-did-I-pick-this-as-a-career thinking, barely living above poverty peeps in Production who stick it out time after time, budget after budget, unpaid invoice after invoice and drama after drama…I salute you. I salute us! My advice to those who may feel like you can't go on, you hate this life, you don’t like change, can’t adapt to last minute production demands and despise the "hurry up and wait" atmosphere that our industry brings…either roll with the punches, find an outlet where you can VENT, keep a journal, write a book, grind your hardest so you can make it to the level where YOU make the changes and decisions...or find another career.  But once you commit to a project, like that TV show, Pilot, Film, Fashion Show or Event and hit the Set...leave everything else behind you...breathe, smile, and just shoot!

Lights. Camera. Action Motherfcukers!

Claudia Mocha Jean
Television, Film, Print, Fashion , Docs and so much more...
When I Cast, you win!

Visionary, Artist, Motivator, Partner, Friend, Love…

The evening before I left for Jamaica to attend Dwayne’s funeral was one of the hardest nights of my life. I was trembling and felt chills. I was nervous and irritable. I couldn’t figure out what to wear or how to wear my hair. Down or in a bun? A dress or a skirt and blouse? Seems trivial, right? Then I remembered how Dwayne was there with me when my mom passed away. He was there when I couldn’t figure out what to do, what to wear and how I was going to live without her. 4 years later, the confusion, sadness, irritability, and chills had returned.

So I decided!

Hair down, a simple black dress, my purse, cell phone, passport & lots of tissue.

Air Jamaica, 6 am flight to Kingston.

I met Dwayne at the very moment I wanted to do Casting on a full-time basis. He took control of my indecisiveness and told me to go for it! I had just finished working on a show for CBS as a Casting Assistant and couldn’t decipher where to go from there. I knew that I enjoyed working with models and actors but couldn’t determine if branching out on my own was the right thing to do. Dwayne made the decision for me and encouraged me to take a leap of faith! He designed my logo, website, created my mission statement, came up with a strategy and became my business partner...and also my boyfriend.

And that’s what made things crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrazy!

We had THE most dramatic, crazy, baby mamma issue related, intense, loving, psycho, poetic, life-changing relationship I've ever had in my entire life. He brought the best and worst out of me but none-the-less, he made an incredible impact.

Over the years we did the back and forth, break-up-to-make-up, no longer speaking, get back together, don’t ever call me again, you make me sick, let’s keep it JUST business, I miss you thing. I forgave him for so many things but after a couple of years began keeping my distance. I limited our communication because although there was more good than bad that came out of our relationship, the negativity and drama that came along was overwhelming.  

He hurt me…but I loved him! I know he loved me too. He was gentle but honest to a fault. As for our professional relationship, we did Castings together and he gave me my 1st professional digital camera. But normally, he’d shoot the models and I conducted the interviews & facilitated the Castings. He eventually took a real interest in how I handled everyone who wanted to audition for something we were working on. So I decided to show him the way and had him interview some potential candidates for hosting, documentaries and quite a few pilot shows. He was a natural and made people feel comfortable while I played the part of camera-man or photographer.

He also introduced me to a different Miami and connections I would have never known or made had I not met him. He was a genius and visionary and wanted me to win when it came to Casting. And we were winning! Everywhere we went folks called me, Chocolate Gurl Happy and called him, Casting Boy Wonder. He even created email addresses to match our newly found personas and had models walking around South Beach in our Tee-shirts. But the personal relationship became unhealthy and began to damage us professionally. It wasn't until recently when we put it all on the table and spoke candidly about EVERYTHING that I forgave him and forgave myself for carrying so much resentment towards him.

Even though I never saw us being together as a couple again, I expected that our newly found respect for each other & his respect for me specifically would have created a new relationship...A restoration of our professional partnership followed by a rebirth of a friendship previously tarnished by outside influences, lack of appreciation, unforeseen drama & ourselves. Now with his death I can't help but reminisce and think about the “what if's” and a bunch of “shoulda coulda wouldas!” But I’m not alone, right? These are thoughts that would run thru many minds of people who've experienced a great loss. But I also felt a bit of resentment...AGAIN!

That's the last thing I want feel at this time! But I'm human and with good memories come the bad. And the irony is that all the things I see my girlfriends do nowadays, (which is basically acting a FOOL over a man), I did over Dwayne. From checking his voicemail messages to “checking” chicks...to arguing with his daughter’s mother to arguing in public…I did it! It was a relationship possessed and the intensity was too grown-up for me. I wasn't prepared.

I used to blame him for everything but the truth is…it was the both of us who lost focus. We were 2 very emotionally irresponsible people who should have concentrated on a friendship. There is such a thing as moving too fast and or doing too much and we both did that. But we forgave each other. I forgave him. We started fresh and he even wrote me a THANK YOU letter for teaching him about the importance of solidarity, loyalty, and love. I was moved.

August 2010:

“You helped me to realize my potential. I dunno if that would be the exact correct way of saying what I wanted to say but basically, you made me realize a lot of thing about myself in terms of business, personality, relationship and more. I really appreciated the motivation and drive and support that you gave to me and I realized that is something I definitely need from the person I'm in a relationship with. Up to this day, I would tell anyone that I loved that about you (even though you get a little intense sometimes, but hey, that comes with passion.) Also, you gave me a lesson in loyalty, faithfulness and kindness. I can honestly say that I respect that about you. I wish I was able to embrace everything in a more positive way but sometimes space and time helps to understand situations better. Lata. Dwayne. ”

So no matter how angry I would get, he would never go too far. And no matter how many times I would ignore his calls or not respond to an email, he never stayed disconnected. Even with Social Media Networking he kept up with what I was doing. I called him “nosy” but he said he just “cared too much.” He would post anonymous comments on my blog then send me a message later congratulating me and asking why I didn’t write more often. Wow! I had my very own Cheerleader who was proud of me and I’m eternally grateful that he saw something I didn’t initially see in myself.

So thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Dwayne O’Neil Kirk Nelson!

• Thank you for talking to me in Jamaican Patois even though I’m Haitian.
• Thanks for taking me to “Uptown” parties & dancing with me even though you claimed you didn’t dance.
• Thanks for introducing me to the folks at Cooyah.  
• Thanks for having Buju sing "Love Sponge" to me backstage at a show.
• Thanks for all the Castings we did together!  
• Thanks for calling even when you knew I wouldn’t pick up.
• Thanks for the last voicemail message you left me, singing that silly “My Girl! Pick up ya phone” song. LOL! (Thank God AT&T is allowing me to re-save it over and over and over again.)
• Thank YOU for YOU!

Visionary, Artist, Motivator, Partner, Friend and Crazy Love…

Rest in Peace.

Mocha

Who'd Want To Be Here?

I used to be afraid to die...but now, not so much. No this isn't a suicide note...this is me being 100% honest with the disgust and disdain I feel for the Human Race. I'd like to remain that person who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt until they do something to prove otherwise...but my faith in humanity is diminishing. And its not about taking life for granted...its about taking God for granted.

God gave us Free-will and time after time after time the Human race has gone against all that is good and pure to try and prove that we don't need him....We run this, huh? But in actuality it was a test and we are failing miserably.

I don't think the gift of Free-will was given for people to run-a-muck all over the place...killing, robbing, stealing, lying, not praying & trying to play tough-guy by handling things on their own. As a result we live in a world of disease, natural disasters, selfishness, violence, crime, hunger, abuse & ignorance. Do you think life as we know it is supposed to be this way? This isn't what he had in mind.

Days after my mom passed away, my sister said the one cliche that once made me sick to hear...but now I get it and see clearly what it means and what she meant, "Mommy is in a better place." I hated her for saying that! How could my mother be happier in Heaven rather than being here with me...here with us...here with her grandchildren and friends and other family who loved and valued her so much???

Bullshit!

But now I get it! Who the fuck would want to be here? Maybe it's a better living situation in Heaven, no? To be seated with God knowing that no harm would ever come your way. Fresh air, no taxes, no domestic violence! Disease free, no politics from politicians with hidden agendas...and no bad music. How about no police brutality and "not guilty" verdicts bringing no comfort to loved ones who suffer great losses while others walk free to kill again, hurt again, thieve again. No unexplainable Cancer that causes you to deteriorate before your loved ones. No wanna-be gangstas robbing you for a cell phone and what you may have in your wallet, who STILL decide to take your life away from your daughter, mother, brother & friends.

It must be nice there cause it ain't nice here! I have no choice but to believe it! No stress. All love. No tears. No pain. Just a bunch of HAPPY souls waiting on us to get there...

So who'd want to be here?

RIP Mommy. RIP Papi. RIP Esco. RIP Grand-mere. RIP Dwayne.

Until we meet again...

Five Things That Make Me Want To Marry Him Instantly

Just before Christmas a Twitter-Friend of mine wrote an interesting short list of things that would make him marry a woman “instantly.” Besides the fact that I’m a fan of his writing, I appreciated how his list was short and to the point.

I’ve noticed throughout my dating years how some guys like the simple things. Some men can be a little less high maintenance compared to the stereotypical “demanding” woman. I’ve also noticed that it can be a bit easier to please a man if we are more accommodating and less “confrontational, defensive and high maintenance.”

Hmmmm…

Well my response to his blog isn’t to let men off the hook! I do love it when I come across a guy who isn’t fussy, vain, too particular, or judgmental when it comes to women and dating. But the truth of the matter is…I meet more guys who are less than accommodating because they assume that ALL women are “confrontational, defensive & high maintenance.”

WRONG!

My list of things that would make me marry HIM instantly is to let some of you guys know that just like we all don’t wear the same size shoes…we all don’t fall under these stereotypes. Hello? So don’t go messing it up for yourself thinking I’m like your EX or to put it s.i.m.p.l.e…You may miss out on a good thing, thinking the wrong things.

You might also need to know that just because a woman may be single, independent and confident doesn’t mean we don’t want to be cared for or that you’ll never be needed. I’ve never been the type to f*ck with a man’s ego…So don’t play yourself thinking a strong woman can’t be a sweet one or not in need of your time and affection.

But back to my list! I was recently asked what I want from a man and was advised to be direct and firm. After seeing my Twitter-friend’s list of 5 things, I then decided to jot down my wants as well. So here it is…

(In no particular order), My Five things that make me want to marry HIM instantly:

HE WANTS A WEDDING…JUST NOT A BIG ONE

And that’s fine with me! Even as a child I’ve never been into the huge wallet busting, 16 bridesmaids and a $10K dress with the 12ft train in the South of France type of wedding. There’s no need to gather up all his male friends to pair up with my single girlfriends to have them walk down the aisle with matching cummerbunds & dresses they’ll never wear again. I’d be happy with an intimate wedding that turns into an outdoor picnic with a sexy reception later that night that will feel like we’re at the club. But there’s one catch…I gotta hire the DJ.

HE MUST LOVE SPORTS

I don’t know what’s in the water but I keep meeting guys who either don’t follow sports or they love it for vanity reasons. I went to a game with a guy and he spent most of it on the celly shouting out his friends & bragging about the fact that we had courtside seats. No bueno.

But listen…we don’t even have to like the same teams! I’m cool with him being down with the NFC while I cheer for the AFC. He can love the Lakers while I pray for the Knicks. He doesn’t even have to be a diehard sports fan! But if we can debate quarterbacks once in a while or go to games where HIS team plays against mine…I may marry him.

HE’S JUST AS SILLY, GOOFY AND UNINHIBITED AS ME!

I just hung out with a guy who jumped out of the car at a red light to dance while the radio station was playing Dancehall! (Insert Jamaican Horn sound effect.) Okay, okay…I don’t expect everyone to do this but someone THAT comfortable with letting his guard down is a champion in my book. But there’s a difference between uninhibited and crazy…and crazy is NOT what I’m talking about. I’m not into daredevils & extreme risk takers. But a person who trusts me enough to be himself in front of me is très cool and sexy.

Now let me explain my cool and sexy: I’m a morning person who sings in the shower, and loves duets! (...Hint hint!) I play board games and I hope he’s into Scrabble. (Taboo, Jenga, Monopoly, Twister?) I like to read dirty books in bed and may want us to read them together. :) I’m okay with public displays of affection. Spontaneous road trips, getting drunk together in the comfort of our own home or having a picnic at a museum are all my speed. And he and I in our pajamas, dancing in the living room at 2:30 in the morning is a win win situation. Add some Moscato to the picture and he’s got himself a wifey who’ll cook for him in the nude wearing high heels & an apron that says: Kiss the Cat ;)

HE DOESN’T FEEL INSECURE ABOUT WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING OR WHO I HANG OUT WITH

As much as I love regular 9-5 dudes, it’s been hard for me to not only meet them but to get them to believe that I am not “industry.” Although I still have ladders to climb and things to accomplish to get to the next level, I’ve come across many jealous and insecure guys because of what my life may sometimes appear to be.

Just because I’m hugging some famous guy on Facebook doesn’t mean I slept with that famous guy. Nowadays I won’t even add a new guy to my Facebook list so that assumptions won’t be made based on photos in my albums or pictures I’m “tagged” in from friends. I’ve been accused of things very opposite of my nature and character and have dated “industry” guys thinking it’d be easier since their lifestyle may compliment mine.

But everything that glitters ain’t gold and everyone who works in the entertainment industry isn’t “Hollywood,” PAID, or the relationship type. My true friends know that my Stunner Shades come from the GAP, not Gucci…and “industry” dudes aren’t always the best remedy when you really want someone “chill” who cares about Y.O.U and not what you do.

So if he just relaxes, he can enjoy the perks without worrying about what he thinks I may have done to get us tickets, VIP status, or an unexpected upgrade. And if I say he’s JUST a friend, believe ME…not the song.

HE IS PROOF THAT CHILVARY IS NOT DEAD

Yes I said it and I believe it! Chivalry is NOT dead because I met it face to face and fell in love with it. Now I can’t live without it and I refuse to go back to selfish, inattentive, vulgar, and c.l.u.e.l.e.s.s! But for various reasons that would take another blog post to address…these rumors that “Chivalry is dead” are running rampant! And men who haven’t dealt with women who demand and deserve it are on a rise. Now because of this epidemic, men are doing the minimum…and the minimum doesn’t make him marriage material.

Chivalry isn’t just about opening doors and sending flowers. It's a whole attitude of treating a woman with respect and gentility…From helping me out the car, to calling when he says he will, to listening while I’m telling him an in-depth story. And there’s nothing wrong with picking me up for our date and making sure I get home safely. How about helping me put on my coat or help carry my bags? Things as simple as checking on me during a storm make me feel thought of and cared for. Doing without asking…it’s really THAT simple people!

And I love a man who pays attention to the little things! It’s the little things that mean so much to us women…TRUST. A guy once bought me a brand new bottle of my favorite perfume after he noticed the bottle on my dresser was low. (Automatic moisture!) And once after I was complaining about a warning light in the car, a guy came over, checked under the hood, changed the oil & put air in my tires. Nice…

I firmly believe that if more chivalry was used in modern day dating, some men would get less resistance from women and more of that cooperation I hear some of them complain about not getting. They say you get more with honey than vinegar and I agree. So try it and you may like the results!

Ok?

So that’s it folks! That’s my list. I don’t think everyone needs a list in order to have a successful relationship or marriage but I do believe you should have an idea of what you want or don’t want. And stand your ground! Don’t second guess yourself. Never feel bad for what you believe in or how you feel you should be treated. And anyone who makes you feel bad about being you or wanting the best for yourself is not worth the time…or a list.

Now all I need is a chivalrous, secure, uninhibited, goofball who loves sports and wants a simple wedding. I found one but he’s fussy, vain, too particular and judgmental! Ugh!

Back to the drawing board!

Claudia...

Shout out to @jozenc http://untiligetmarried.com/2009/12/22/five-things-that-make-me-want-to-marry-her-instantly/

The EX Factor

No matter how I think we grow, you always seem to let me know…it ain’t working-Lauryn Hill

Your former lover, a person you dated, a past boyfriend, a previous girlfriend: The EX. I think some Exes make it easy for you to HATE them and although HATE is such a strong word and wasted energy…it’s often the first emotion felt when you discover that your hearts and desires no longer match. And it’s the despair you feel when it seems as if you’ve exhausted all efforts while the other person hasn’t contributed to trying to make things work.

And what about that word: TRYING? I was once told that “trying doesn’t feel natural.” This can be true on so many different levels. (Trying) can feel forced or annoying; but not usually for the person who is T-R-Y-I-N-G to make things work. That person usually feels born-again and wants to do whatever it takes to get him or her back. They’re given this new found energy and appreciation for what once was; while finding sensibility in things unnoticed and untouched during the previous relationship.

Well…why weren’t these things discovered when you were together? Why does it sometimes take an ending for there to be a beginning? Well my friends, I think the answer is as simple as the cliché often heard in songs, movies, from friends and even from your mother…”you don’t know what you’ve got ‘till it’s gone.”

So what makes you want to try AGAIN? Maybe because of a misunderstanding? Perhaps one of you f*cked up? Or maybe it’s because you don’t want to face the cold world of dating all over AGAIN?! Starting over requires you to pay attention & take notes. You have to be open to discovering and embracing a new person’s likes, dislikes, friends, family, quirks, insecurities, hopes, dreams, style & smell…yup...their smell. Thhhhhhhhhhhhen you have to decide if it’s worth pursuing or if you’d like the pursuit of you to continue.

Once that decision is made, then what? Then comes that thing grown-ups do which can be a bit tricky or detrimental if you’re not careful. S.E.X! Sex can be a major factor in a relationship, right? It can make you stronger or tear you apart. I’ve never been the one to put sex over emotions nor has sex brought me closer to a person emotionally. But I will admit to sex being better because of the emotional connection and I believe that deep down inside that is what a lot of us strive for.

But I digress…we are talking about the EX factor…the person you were t-r-y-i-n-g again with, sexing, and the one who may have given you new inspiration, hope, and a thirst you never thought you’d attain. But the catch is…he or she is the EX! And they are the EX for a reason! And if he or she doesn’t feel the same way you do, they will remain the EX, and so will you.

For most of my dating life I’ve been notorious for going back to Exes. I’ll admit there was a comforting feeling there. Why? Because we naturally gravitate to what we know. We find safety in the familiar. And even if it’s an unhealthy situation that has all the signs pointing to NO WHERE…we still pull towards that direction and become deaf to that gut feeling in our stomach that told us NOT to go that way in the first place. Ugh!

I had a situation that never had a good stretch. We just never had enough time to truly get to know each other and grow. For a while we kept trying here and there, (if and when we both had time and were both sort of available.) But the unavailability issue was mostly him and not me. And since I was the one who always remained “cool” and made sure we kept in touch…I indirectly gave him permission to never have to put in any work. NEVER. Then I got used to my position or position(s). I was the friend…the communicator…the excuse acceptor…the down for anything chick…the supporter…the selfless cheerleader…the one always excited when he would come around or called, even if it was late night…the one who came AFTER, family, work, friends, and other chicks who for some strange reason made the girlfriend club while I remained patient and understanding that “timing” was always our issue. Hmmmm…But in actuality I had no real position and didn’t know I was setting myself up to be hurt.

Why do we ignore the signs? Why did I ignore what he’s been telling me without verbally having to tell me? Let me tell you…some people are more upfront with their actions and don’t need words.

Can I get a witness?

And you would think one would get the hint if every time you call…you get voicemail or a response via text. Or when you think you are being supportive by giving them space, they’re opening that space up to others who may comfort them in a way you aren’t privileged to know about. And little sincere gestures you make in an effort to show you care are met with resistance and doubt, (as if you lied and made up your feelings and your parents really named you AGENDA, first name HIDDEN.) How about when you find yourself n-e-v-e-r being asked if there’s anything you need…especially when this time you’re the one in need? It hurts when he or she doesn’t check in on you during your off-season(s), right? ‘Cause when you two are not dating each other…to them you do NOT exist! ---> NOT EVEN ON YOUR BIRTHDAY :(

And if you’re really unsure about whether or not their actions are speaking LOUDLY enough…try being “friends” with them on a social media networking website like Facebook, Twitter or MySpace! You’ll truly know how they feel about you when you see them playing with their internet friends and updating their statuses with subliminal messages while your phone DOES NOT ring or messages you wrote are ignored.

Giving yourself when the person isn’t listening to you, investing in you, feeling you or is just plain NOT into you can be a wake-up call you didn’t expect, but needed…Trust me. Why? Because IN YOUR MIND, he or she is supposed to notice that you are different from all the rest. They’re supposed to notice that you are “special.” They’re supposed to love being around you the way others do. They’re supposed to pay close attention to detail and enjoy your quirky ways…the way the person you are NOT pursuing does. You know that person, right? It’s the HE or SHE who says all the right things and does everything you want the EX to do. Damn shame. Then you find yourself being the same cold person to that someone else that your ex is being to you. That is what just happened to me and I hurt that someone as a result of all this. I kept paying storage fees on a heart that was empty…meanwhile someone else had room for me with no charge.

Soooooooooo…in comes that word HATE I spoke about earlier. It’s such a horrible word that leads to a world of misery and resentment. I ask myself if I HATE him and eeeeeeeeevery day my answer changes. Or maybe in actuality I HATE myself for caring for him all willy nilly. And my heart feels heavy because anything that reminds me of him (lately) turns my smile into a frown…even though he didn’t beat me up, spit on me, call me names, or force me to do anything. But sometimes neglect and selfishness can leave you with so much distress that you mistake hurt for HATE…and that’s where I’m at now people!

But guess what? Most Exes are doing what they’re supposed to be doing…Loving him or her-self and putting themselves FIRST. Isn’t that what we all are supposed to be doing? If we did, we wouldn’t be worried about the EX and we’d make room for the next…get it? I know some things are easier said than done…and situations that end amicably don’t always remain amicable. However, I don’t think anyone sets out to be bitter, hurt or vexed. Nor do I think the EX is always deliberate and calculated with his or her actions…or lack thereof. But they sure don’t make it easy by giving mixed signals or living in the “grey area.” And clarity & closure were not their major or minor in the University of Life. So f*ck it! You want c-l-o-s-u-r-e? Close the sh*t yourself.

Make the last straw THE ABSOLUTE last straw. Walk forward, not backwards. Lopsided relationships are not sexy or fashionable. Besides…your friends are tired of hearing about it, he or she is NOT trying to have “the talk” again and the stress shows in your face and hardens the heart. Believe me…I KNOW!

Lessons are blessings that come in so many forms and I thank GOD it took someone I love, NOT to love me back in order for me to realize that my love should be earned and not taken for granted…even if he has NO CLUE. And if he doesn’t see it and neeeeeeeever gets it…well then! That’s yet another reason he’ll remain the EX-Factor.

1 year older and 1 day wiser…Happy Birthday to me!

For Supa, Porscha, Jeff, Yaz & Raedawn…xoxoxoxoxo

Claudia “Mocha” Jean

“See I know what we’ve got to do…You let go, and I’ll let go too…‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you…and no one ever will…”

http://www.rhapsody.com/lauryn-hill/the-miseducation-of-lauryn-hill/ex-factor/lyrics.html

A Letter to My DJ

Whadddup stranger? Master of Melodies, Neo-Sound Explorer, Crowd Motivator, and Conductor of F-L-O-W…I miss you and I want you back. Lately you’ve been plenty predictable, sometimes not even noticeable…because frankly, the DJ is no longer the center of the universe. You are an accessory.

You’ve got me feeling empty, uncomfortable, unmotivated, and contemplating whether I should leave for good…

But back in the day you had me dancing in circles…flirting with me from your booth, playing record after record, giving me no other choice but to stay until the crack of dawn….”Okay one more song and we’re out!” But then 2 minutes later…”Oh-no-he-didn’t!” Suddenly I’d find myself willingly stuck…greeting you with a smile as both the lights in the room and sun came up.

I remember you in Junior High when the principal allowed you to DJ our school dances. You gave me my first of many musical experiences…which were rarely played in my home. Not that I grew up restricted, but music didn’t play an integral role in my upbringing. So when you came along, I was hooked! I was a fiend for your mixes and searched the radio frantically for the sounds you played. I practiced new dances in the mirror and my neighbor and I would get our routines together so when you dropped THAT record…we’d be on it.

In high school, life with you got easier and we had the ultimate connection. You influenced my style and had me walking to your beats in my head every time I hit the pavement. My mom was a bit more open to the idea of having you in the house and my sister and I danced to your mélanges in the attic. Once a week I took my allowance, bought a vinyl, and tried to copy your style. Friends would come over and beg to know where I got THAT from! Everyone wanted a dub! Let’s not forget the DJ-over-the-phone-game….Haaaaaaa! Remember those days? “I dedicate this song to you!” (Insert mix tape, press play, lay on the pillow, phone to the ear, breathe…)

But what’s a full high school experience without the House parties!? The chaperones were upstairs while us girls were in the basement, pinned up against a wall by a cutie grinding against our hips. The only light in the entire room came from the corner where your turntables and records were set up. I remember how hyped we’d get when we’d hear the hint of an instrumental creeping in while you faded out that last song, right before you put the record back in the crate. B.L.E.N.D.I.N.G.

In college you were the shhhhhhhhhhhhhit! You set the mood, pace, and dress code for all that was happening on and off campus. We didn’t listen to the radio to hear the newest hit…we went to the parties and witnessed YOU breaking records in for the first time. There were too many parties to choose from and it was often hard to commit to one. So we went to them all and watched you work the room with your hand maneuvering and musical selection. Your match-making skills were impeccable as well. You always seemed to know what to drop at that exact moment a Shorty decided to join another on the dance floor…singing all in each other’s ear…Who could hold up the wall with you spinning? And I remember back then…it was okay to sweat, (because it was a sign that you had a good time!) So we all went home W.E.T.

Later I learned more from you during my internships and various industry gigs. That’s when I decided I may want to try this all myself. I took notes and appreciated the fact that you came in many forms and gave variety its definition. Seems like in those days you had a bit more freedom to play what you thought was “hot” vs. what management dictated you should play. Now you seem to want to please too many people from record labels, to corporate America, to your critics who seem to get younger and more disconnected from what REAL music is. *sigh*

And don't get me wrong...I know you feel the pressures of mainstream/commercial radio. You feel like you need to play what's “HOT” right now. (Look at your sources!) Between the music video shows, radio stations playing the same song 2-3 times an hour at-the-same-time, manufactured BEEFS between camps just to guarantee a major hit, and club owners, promoters & PD’s choreographing your play list….I’m surprised you still have the energy or desire to keep going. But once we started to predict the order of songs you’d play….we discovered a bigger problem. Plus you squeeze in so many songs in one set! There’s no need to prove what you have in your collection! We know you have it…you’re supposed to. You’re a DJ.

Remember when you were the headliner? Today DJ’s doesn’t get the same amount of respect. It’s the year of the IPods and the new way to blend which we call…the UNBLEND: cutting off records which sound more like nails on a chalk board. Now what do we have to look forward to besides open bar and the occasional live performance from an artist? Shout outs over a Biggie beat?

Let me remind you of YOU and your worth:

YOU were the reason we wanted to get to the club at a decent time…not because of free drinks before midnight. YOU were the determining factor on whether or not we should even go! But if we saw your name on the flyer, not even the flakey door guy could keep us from you! YOU were what we talked about on the way there and when we left the party. YOU were the reason we didn’t necessarily need a dance partner…eyes closed, one hand in the air, following YOUR lead…vibing with YOU. YOU were the KING of the mid day mix and the surprise guest at the summer barbeques. YOU were the most important detail at the wedding, step show, after party, and yes….the club. Promoters didn’t tell you how much they’d pay you, YOU’d tell them. YOU broke records in a non conventional way and were the stamp-of-approval artists needed in order to get sales. The DJ’s cosign was like gold and you were respected because of that. Now artists are sh*tting on DJ’s like they sh*t on bloggers and in this day of technology….they need both.

So I dare YOU to bring YOU back. I double-dog-dare-you to play MUSIC vs. a slew of curses and derogatory terms disguised as a mix. I dare you to keep your shout outs to a minimum and I challenge you to NOT play that one current popular record more than 2 times tonight. Sheesh! Let’s see if you can get me up from my table, on to the middle of the dance floor. You think I wore these heels NOT to be seen? C’mon Son!

I don’t mean to be harsh, but I need you to know this…because I’ve no-ticed. I miss you, but not from a lover’s point of view, but as a fan. You taught me how to soul-clap like a mom teaches her daughter how to walk in heels. Played that record that made me say “daaaaamn...I haven't heard that in a minute!” Don’t you miss that “ooooooooh” sound we’d all make when you’d throw on an import remix that no one has heard? How about that song on that album that wasn't released as a single but you know is HOTTTT!?! Yeah…that one. And I loved it when you created your very own hypnotic fused melodies of wonderful vocals over that unsuspecting Hip Hop music bed. You did that and you did it well.

You love music and you love to DJ. Do what you love for the love of the craft and don’t lose yourself in politics, peer pressure, PDs, podcasts, and people coming up to you with peculiar requests. Because this new YOU isn’t YOU and I don’t know how much longer I can stay.

Love, M.O.C.H.A

*Much respect to some of the DJs I’ve followed over the years... Red Alert, Darrel James, SnS, Jazzy, Frank Ski, Cosi, Premier, Jazzy Joyce, Coco Channel, Sting International, Irie, Craig G, LSONE, Spinna , The old Funk Master Flex , Backspin, Lennox, Mustafa & Crime, Bizmarkie, NVS Styles, Severe, Bobby Konders, Rob Dinero , Naturally, Spinbad , Walshy, D-Nice and all the DJs who are hungry, humble and wholeheartedly trying to make their mark in the industry…SALUTE!

And my 1st adult crush: Qool DJ Marv….the only DJ I followed from club to club to club to club. Mica Bar, Ludlow, Bar 6, Izzy, 2 I’s, U.B.I.Q.U.I.T.A, Guernica and more… Thanks for making sure I NEVER got carded.

ONE.