The evening before I left for Jamaica to attend Dwayne’s funeral was one of the hardest nights of my life. I was trembling and felt chills. I was nervous and irritable. I couldn’t figure out what to wear or how to wear my hair. Down or in a bun? A dress or a skirt and blouse? Seems trivial, right? Then I remembered how Dwayne was there with me when my mom passed away. He was there when I couldn’t figure out what to do, what to wear and how I was going to live without her. 4 years later, the confusion, sadness, irritability, and chills had returned.
So I decided!
Hair down, a simple black dress, my purse, cell phone, passport & lots of tissue.
Air Jamaica, 6 am flight to Kingston.
I met Dwayne at the very moment I wanted to do Casting on a full-time basis. He took control of my indecisiveness and told me to go for it! I had just finished working on a show for CBS as a Casting Assistant and couldn’t decipher where to go from there. I knew that I enjoyed working with models and actors but couldn’t determine if branching out on my own was the right thing to do. Dwayne made the decision for me and encouraged me to take a leap of faith! He designed my logo, website, created my mission statement, came up with a strategy and became my business partner...and also my boyfriend.
And that’s what made things crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrazy!
We had THE most dramatic, crazy, baby mamma issue related, intense, loving, psycho, poetic, life-changing relationship I've ever had in my entire life. He brought the best and worst out of me but none-the-less, he made an incredible impact.
Over the years we did the back and forth, break-up-to-make-up, no longer speaking, get back together, don’t ever call me again, you make me sick, let’s keep it JUST business, I miss you thing. I forgave him for so many things but after a couple of years began keeping my distance. I limited our communication because although there was more good than bad that came out of our relationship, the negativity and drama that came along was overwhelming.
He hurt me…but I loved him! I know he loved me too. He was gentle but honest to a fault. As for our professional relationship, we did Castings together and he gave me my 1st professional digital camera. But normally, he’d shoot the models and I conducted the interviews & facilitated the Castings. He eventually took a real interest in how I handled everyone who wanted to audition for something we were working on. So I decided to show him the way and had him interview some potential candidates for hosting, documentaries and quite a few pilot shows. He was a natural and made people feel comfortable while I played the part of camera-man or photographer.
He also introduced me to a different Miami and connections I would have never known or made had I not met him. He was a genius and visionary and wanted me to win when it came to Casting. And we were winning! Everywhere we went folks called me, Chocolate Gurl Happy and called him, Casting Boy Wonder. He even created email addresses to match our newly found personas and had models walking around South Beach in our Tee-shirts. But the personal relationship became unhealthy and began to damage us professionally. It wasn't until recently when we put it all on the table and spoke candidly about EVERYTHING that I forgave him and forgave myself for carrying so much resentment towards him.
Even though I never saw us being together as a couple again, I expected that our newly found respect for each other & his respect for me specifically would have created a new relationship...A restoration of our professional partnership followed by a rebirth of a friendship previously tarnished by outside influences, lack of appreciation, unforeseen drama & ourselves. Now with his death I can't help but reminisce and think about the “what if's” and a bunch of “shoulda coulda wouldas!” But I’m not alone, right? These are thoughts that would run thru many minds of people who've experienced a great loss. But I also felt a bit of resentment...AGAIN!
That's the last thing I want feel at this time! But I'm human and with good memories come the bad. And the irony is that all the things I see my girlfriends do nowadays, (which is basically acting a FOOL over a man), I did over Dwayne. From checking his voicemail messages to “checking” chicks...to arguing with his daughter’s mother to arguing in public…I did it! It was a relationship possessed and the intensity was too grown-up for me. I wasn't prepared.
I used to blame him for everything but the truth is…it was the both of us who lost focus. We were 2 very emotionally irresponsible people who should have concentrated on a friendship. There is such a thing as moving too fast and or doing too much and we both did that. But we forgave each other. I forgave him. We started fresh and he even wrote me a THANK YOU letter for teaching him about the importance of solidarity, loyalty, and love. I was moved.
August 2010:
“You helped me to realize my potential. I dunno if that would be the exact correct way of saying what I wanted to say but basically, you made me realize a lot of thing about myself in terms of business, personality, relationship and more. I really appreciated the motivation and drive and support that you gave to me and I realized that is something I definitely need from the person I'm in a relationship with. Up to this day, I would tell anyone that I loved that about you (even though you get a little intense sometimes, but hey, that comes with passion.) Also, you gave me a lesson in loyalty, faithfulness and kindness. I can honestly say that I respect that about you. I wish I was able to embrace everything in a more positive way but sometimes space and time helps to understand situations better. Lata. Dwayne. ”
So no matter how angry I would get, he would never go too far. And no matter how many times I would ignore his calls or not respond to an email, he never stayed disconnected. Even with Social Media Networking he kept up with what I was doing. I called him “nosy” but he said he just “cared too much.” He would post anonymous comments on my blog then send me a message later congratulating me and asking why I didn’t write more often. Wow! I had my very own Cheerleader who was proud of me and I’m eternally grateful that he saw something I didn’t initially see in myself.
So thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Dwayne O’Neil Kirk Nelson!
- Thank you for talking to me in Jamaican Patois even though I’m Haitian.
- Thanks for taking me to “Uptown” parties & dancing with me even though you claimed you didn’t dance.
- Thanks for introducing me to the folks at Cooyah.
- Thanks for having Buju sing "Love Sponge" to me backstage at a show.
- Thanks for all the Castings we did together!
- Thanks for calling even when you knew I wouldn’t pick up.
- Thanks for the last voicemail message you left me, singing that silly “My Girl! Pick up ya phone” song. LOL! (Thank God AT&T is allowing me to re-save it over and over and over again.)
- Thank YOU for YOU!
Rest in Peace.
Mocha
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