Dating: The New Hustling Backwards

I've participated in 4 conversations with 4 different friends in the past week about the same damn thing and it's scary! Yes, SCARY because it appears that the current way of "dating" is the new wave and quickly devaluing any type of traditionalism we either were brought up on or have seen in movies. Yeah...movies are somewhat superficial, but there's nothing wrong with wanting and maybe even expecting the nicer side of dating. It's not all make-believe! There was a time when people consistently went on dates, held hands, talked on the phone, and naturally progressed into full fledged romantic relationships. But ready or not...this new thing, this nonchalant thing, this casual unchivalrous and emotionally detached thing is what's turning into the norm.  We don't date anymore! And we also don't have the patience for feelings. Ouch! So what do we do? We just go with a bullshit flow that one party is happy with while the other suffers in silence.

And silence is deadly! Stress can kill you quicker than any Cancer; and being miserable in a faux relationship is a Cancer in itself. But in addition to just sucking it up, there are additional risks you take when NOT complying with this new way of romancing, sans the romance of course. You run the risk of scaring off whomever your faux suitor is because if what you want isn't what he wants, he'll leave you with your face on the floor, heart on your sleeve, a huge chip on your shoulder, bags under your eyes...and ALONE.  You don't want to lose a friend, but what kind of friend forces your hand when it comes to interests of the heart?

But I'll get back to all that...let's talk about the basics.

We're either doing the "meeting up" thing or "coming over to chill" thing...but there is no substance. What happened to actual dating activities that would cause you to put away your cell phone and get to know each other? We don't do that anymore? What about talking? Are we still JUST Texting? Out of all the things we can do, bowling, bike riding, dinner, lunch, the movies, long drives, nice walks, Broadway plays, visits to a museum, amusement park trips, a day at the beach, etc., you mean to tell me all you want to do is "meet up" at a bar for drinks or just come over the house?

And what comes 1st now...the date or sex? Nowadays it seems like it's, let's have sex 1st THEN figure out if we like each other. Or, let's have sex but after sex let me let you know that I'm not looking for a relationship and I hope you can understand that.

WAIT! Then whyyyyyyyyyyyy have sex? Whhhhhhhhhhhat is going on?

Well let me address the latter part because it seems like a lot of my peeps are experiencing the same plays from the same book that some guys seem to rehearse over and over to a point where they believe the bullshit they're selling women. Yeah, you dick-heads disguised as Nice Guys...YOU!

You say you enjoyed the sex but are not ready for a relationship is saying, (how can I say this politely), that we are good enough to fuck but not anything else.

Not putting words in your mouth but for some women it's not a black and white clear cut issue. It's much deeper and could be less complicated if some men used empathy and understood the bigger picture.

There is no goal to be: just a FUCK. Who aspires to be JUST that?  And you can add all the sugar, spice, everything nice and all the flowery words you want, but no matter how you say it...if all you wanted was sex with nothing else and you convey that AFTER sex transpired...it stings BADLY, it's not cool, and unfortunately is something that can rarely be negotiated.

1st of all, we shouldn't have to negotiate but when the decision is made for us in such an early part of the game, it leaves no room for anything else to be decided.

How can one decide off the bat that you don't want anything else? How does one take away the option before an option has presented itself? No growth, no natural progression, no possibility for anything else but a "good friendship" with an open invitation for more rounds of sex? UGH.

And here is how we save face so that we don't appear wounded or flip out and show you the CRAZY we don't want you to see. We either smile and accept the lower tier level of a relationship that never was because we don't want to lose all of you, or we get mad and end the friendship that probably never was because friends don't do each other like that. You feel me?

And don't get me wrong, fellas...Yes we like sex just as much as you do. YES we most likely want to have sex with you, when you do, all the time. STILL. Like now. Yes.

However...

It's very hard to separate the 2...you know, sex AND emotions. And it would be different if an option were given....but from what I'm noticing, it's no options-just sex, an occasional Text, and mayyyybe an invite to an event where it won't be just the 2 of you...take it or leave it! And I don't see many women leaving it...which goes back to what I was saying before. There's a high risk in being honest, right? You may end up singing, "I can do bad all by myself" and be left by your damn self! Lonely, horny but honest with him and yourself.  Which can lead to other annoying sayings that come at the wrong and right time...at the same damn time. You know the cliches! "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to," and my favorite backfiring notable quotable, "honesty is the best policy."

*Deep sigh*

But we can't get mad at honesty, right? Though it stings like a bee, it's far worse to be lied to. But not revealing your intentions upfront is just as bad as a lie and some men are hurting the wrong caliber of women. Not everyone has ill intentions, likes "bad boys" or is a gold digging, Reality show lifestyle living, connoisseur of ratchet, and/or an aficionado of ignorant behavior. And not everyone deserves the same treatment, speeches, games being played or lack of empathy.

So how can everyone be happy? Is there a happy medium? Is compromising actually compromising yourself? How do we get back to substance, dating, liking each other, talking, spending face to face time and yes...sex too?

Is it really so bad to date or is dating the new hustling backwards?

No I don't have the answers but let's start the dialogue.

Go...

CMJ

Dear Aspiring Hosts, Actors and especially you Models...

You know I luv you all, right?   So let me talk to you for a moment.

I was going thru submissions...per usual, and I have questions.  Actually, I have concerns.  Actually, I need to help you help me to help you!

When you see Casting notices, do you read them or do you just apply without reading what it is and what information is requested?  Do you just send everything your email allows you to attach, then copy and paste your whole life story or do you actually READ?  Do you submit the same 99 photos for every Casting or do you send a few that are deemed appropriate for each project you submit for?

I'm just not understanding why people don't follow directions!   Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Don’t get me wrong…I'm not mad; but it makes everything more difficult and time consuming when directions are not followed.

For example:

• ·         If a Casting is age specific, why apply if you do not fit the bill?

• ·         If it asks for clear candids, why send pictures in sunglasses?

• ·         If it asks for name, age, contact info and photos, why just send a link and done? We have to now go thru the link to find what we need?

Whyyyyy?

• ·         If it asks for 4 photos, for example 2 professional and 2 candids, why send 40 photos? Now I have to pick 4? Noooooo! You pick 4 and send them.

• ·         If the Casting asks for contact info, why send a link with a sentence that says: "Check my website for contact info." Sooooo...I have to now go thru your website to find the CONTACT tab when the same sentence you sent could have included your number?

Hol' up! Hol' up!

Why are you giving Casting Directors more work? 

I’ll be honest…I delete submissions like that because they come off as arrogant.  Plus, sometimes I don’t have time to take a tour of websites.  Sorry.  But the solution is simple…READ.  A lot of times these notices and postings are not asking for much, and guess what?  If we like you, we will ask for more!

You gotta trust me on this!

Don't blow your chances because you don't feel like reading and following directions...And while I'm in "Don't” mode!

Don't send this: "Contact me for my info" You mean the info I asked for initially in the posting that you did not include?  Deleted!

If in your photo we can tell that it's a wig...Not because we don't think it's possible to grow hair but because of how it is sitting on top of your head...don't  submit that photo.  EVER.

If you are all greasy faced in your photo, don't send that one no matter how cute of a face you think you are making.  Someone you know MUST know how to use photo shop.  They can digitally blot your face.  Ask around or Google how to do it yourself.

And hey Moms who Model...don't send photos of you and your child if it’s not a Casting for mothers and their babies. 

Aspiring Models…don't send photos of you in a group and include instructions on how to figure out which one you are. Befriend a photographer or buy a camera and get someone to take your photos.

By the way…if it's Extra work, there's a HUGE chance that you will NOT be flown out for it.  Just being honest.  Applying from abroad or from a state with a different time zone is cool but think about it before submitting to a Casting that isn't local or is a plane ride away.  You’ll waste your time and the Casting Director’s if you can’t be there for the job. So don't do it if you can't do it!

And last but not least…a more serious issue!  Why do some of you keep sending naked or half naked photos for every Casting?

No matter what it is...from HGTV to MTV to BET to Hosting gigs for HLN or MSG! Whyyyy do you keep submitting Playboy/KingMagazine/SmoothMagazine/BendMeOver type photographs?  Who is telling any of you to send naked or damn near photos for these Castings?  And if your Agents/Managers are sending all these butt and half naked shots, you may want to chat with them.

STOP IT!

How about you go buy some magazines and try different poses and different looks? If you want big gigs, think bigger than magazines that exploit asses. Not that anything is wrong with ass! Haha!

But try visiting Magazine shops or book stores and pick up one or some of these options: Vogue. Bazaar. GQ. Nylon. Elle. Glamour. V. Seventeen. Teen Vogue. Allure. Cosmo. Marie Claire. ID. L’Officiel. W. Kouture. Runway. Black Book. Wallpaper. Hint. Wonderland

And if you want to do Gap Ads, set up a fake Gap Shoot and have those type of photos taken by a professional photographer. You want to do Victoria’s Secret?  Stop with the coochie shots, match your bra and panties or cute boy short set and stand tall, not legs spread!

I’m sharing this because I care and love what I do. I'm in this for the long haul.  Are you?  So let's do this the right way...together.

CMJ

Sorry! I'm Fresh Out of Dots To Connect

Sooooo….I just finished listening to a friend vent to me about being used and left for dead in this wonderful entertainment industry of ours.  An industry unlike any other because it's supposed to be fun, nontraditional, free-spirited, flexible, exciting, exclusive, fabulous., etc.

*Deep breath*

But it seems like entertainment is structured more like corporate 9 to 5s with the back stabbing, using, betrayal, selfishness and my favorite: forgetfulness.

Forgetfulness out of convenience.

Then there is no accountability and also the fear of backlash if you let them know that what was done or how it was done was completely unacceptable.  So nothing is said!  Then "we" make promises to ourselves that we won't ever do THAT again or ever help such-n-such again.  So now we're changing our own behavior because of their behavior!?!?!

Dammit!

Well…change is good; however, if you are naturally a nice, giving, and helpful person who sincerely likes seeing others win, that internal battle is a rough road to travel.

Truuuuuust me!

I curse people out in my head DAILY!  But I'm helping people out DAILY! Sometimes expecting no “thank you” or kind gesture in return because well…people don't do for you unless it's convenient for them or better yet...they just don’t do the reciprocity thing anymore.  It’s not stylish, I guess. (Insert sarcasm here)

So you know what?  I never thought I'd say this but maybe charging people for a connect or help isn't such a bad thing.  I have friends being used for introductions and connections only to be cut out of the equation by opportunists who now thrive because of it. 

How rude!

But don’t get me wrong, I know that certain gestures should not come with a price-tag, however...if you're eating off of someone else's nice gesture while they starve, you're a f*cked up, conniving, selfish, grimy, dirty little troll...and if you act like a stranger, you should pay like one.

Let’s be honest!

Now understand that reciprocation isn't always monetary.  You do not have to give money.  But how are you producing events or shows or getting clients from someone else's contact but don't even part your lips to say thank you or maybe give them an invitation to your now wonderful production? 

For shame!

No one says thank you anymore. Sad but true! Now it's just, "do you know xyz? Can you introduce me to abc? I want to produce an event or show...how do you think I should execute?"

Really? 

Then they get it all done from you helping them and/or your relationship you’ve built for yourself…and the sound of crickets follow.

Oh.

...and most of these horror stories I’m hearing involve women being the culprits!  Now I know we all have 1 or 2 selfish user guy friends too, but this is about WOMEN.  Listen…we're already all allegedly catty and petty as it is. But this, my dear(s) is unbecoming of a lady.

Please and Thank you should be second nature…it’s our specialty!  Follow-up phone calls, Thank-you-cards, and little thoughtful gifts just to say, I appreciate you…we invented that shit! 

What happened?

Now I see why some people charge a la cart for information or deny knowing certain people! Holding on to contacts tight! I get it now! Why? Because if we help you eat, we have to eat too. And if I struggle or starve while you benefit from knowing me yet you conveniently forget me, then something has got to change...and that has to start with me.

Sooooo nothing personal, no hard feelings, no shade intended, not trying to spoil your fun! But ummm, uh, errrr...I'm fresh out of dots to connect.  Sorry! No more help and "for the love" gestures to give.  I'm only giving out daps and hugs.  Connect your own dots.

CMJ

Count Your Blessings!

Everyone struggles…Not everyone advertises it-Matthew A. Cherry

I had a friend over the other day who is going THRU it.  I cooked for us and let her vent.  She was with me all dayyyyyyy! 20 minutes after she left, I was overwhelmed with sadness.

*Deep breath*

We gotta keep the prayer circle going in 2013 and beyond for people suffering because of this recession.

For reeeeeeeeeeeeeeal!

And I’m realizing that quite a few people think that it's just about no available jobs out here for those struggling in this economy.

Nope!

It's more than that! Especially for us Freelancers.

Some people get the work and aren't being paid.  Clients and employers are low-balling. Checks are bouncing. Some productions run out of money.  Promises aren't being kept. Companies fold.

Let's not forget the competition is crazy!  You have folks who don't do what you do, as well as you do, applying for what you do...and for less money, sometimes less experience or NONE at all!  And if your experience is greater than the one interviewing you?!!

Pshhhhhhh!

Then you have the beat down Super Heroes :(

...the ones who are lending out money, taking care of loved ones, putting gas in other people’s cars with not much left over for themselves.

So it's not just about lack of jobs...even though that is a huge part of it.  Think about these things when you think life is treating you unfairly.

I fed a hungry friend, let her drink up my fa-vo-rite wine and listened to her vent because last week that was me or someone you might know. Like...I COULD NOT WAIT for her to leave so I could cry.  She has it bad.  And I used to work for her!   

How crazy is that?

You see folks on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram posing as if life is grand yet the skeletons in their closets overfloweth and/OR their struggle is real. So real!

And yes, my friend that I cooked for, liquored up, listened to, and sent home with leftovers is on Social Media…Twitter to be exact.  But no need to identify her.  Why? 

Because in her own words: "The appearance of struggle is even more unattractive than the struggle itself...and Social Media is unforgiving."

That was THE realest shit and the saddest shit ever!

So please do me a favor...Count your blessings!

If you have transportation, food, enough money to hang out with friends, a working cell phone, health insurance, a savings account, heat, water, internet, living parents, hell…how about 1 living parent, ride-or-die-friends, job leads or a job, (even if you hate it)...Count those as blessings!

I see and hear a lot of complaining but I'm thinking...some of us don't have it as badly as we think. And you may never know how good you do have it until you look into the eyes of someone who has it worse than you. 

*Hugs* 

C. M. J

Happy New Year...

Dedicated to the "too nice," the under-dogs, Mr. Nice Guy, the selfless, the ride-or-die, and the masked Super Heroes who always go above and beyond, but rarely get noticed and don't ask for much...

Your greatness is so underrated and under-appreciated!

Even in your moments of weakness, you still manage to stand tall and sacrifice your fears, tears, doubts and insecurities to make others happy and feel whole again. Con-sis-tent-ly!

That kind of friendship, love, and dedication is commendable and you should pat yourself on the back instead of feeling guilty and having thoughts that you're doing too much.

God didn't make any mistakes!

You were made this way for a reason! You are the sugar and spice plus everything nice…AND you're the Good Guy who won't finish last because your kindness puts you ahead of the rest.

It's unfortunate that others don't realize your worth…But such is life, right?

Sometimes it takes someone treating you like shit and those close to you taking you for granted for you to acknowledge and own the fact that you are better and deserve better than how THEY treat you.

Fuck them! They're slooooooooooooooooooow!

You are undeserving of anything less than greatness.  No man or woman can change that.

You are a star and you shine bright like one. Your glow is unstoppable and I see it, love it and pray that my light will lead the way to the greatness destined in me and the greatness you've already achieved by just being you.

Keep that beauty in you going!  Acknowledge it. Claim it. Thank God for all of it! Your humanity, love, loyalty, sincerity, and swag...Now all you need to be is unapologetic. 

I get it!  Now let the rest of these fools catch up.

Happy New Year.

Love Always,
Me...

Where is Your Honor? Man up!

Ok I think some men run their mouths too much. 

Yup…I said it and will say it again.  Why?  Because Women quite often get the blame for talking too much and/or gossiping but many times get their "information" or ammunition from men.  I’m not saying that it’s right, nor am I saying ALL MEN; notice I did say, some!  But I’m noticing a pattern of weak men and it’s frightening! 

Yikes!

If a girl friend of mine is acting bird-like, I check her.  When I step out of line, I get checked.  We do not want bird tendencies amongst us. The same tendencies that some of you complain about but gravitate to and/or exhibit in your own personal lives. That’s right…men can be birds too.

Ugh!

I'm also saying these things because I'm kind of tired of diarrhea-of-the-mouth-dudes who always have something to say about someone or something.  The hypocrisy of, “where is the chill?” or these hypocrite men who criticize e-ve-ry-thing about a woman from hair, complexion, shoes, teeth, occupation and choice of men…especially if she doesn’t choose YOU.  Then all of the sudden she’s a ho, bitch, slut, fatherless and can’t keep a man. 

Wow. 

And what does that say about some of you men who are hoes, bitches, sluts, fatherless and can’t keep a girl?  Where your mothers hoes?  Was she a single mom who couldn’t keep a man? 

Hmmm.

I’m just a bit tired of the one-sidedness of it all.  It also saddens me how it’s just accepted as truth…as if how men view us is how we are defined.

Pshhhhhhhhh!

…and this woman bashing bitter sugary behavior is never from whom you’d expect it from, is it? I’ve come up with a profile that describes who and what I’m talking about:

• The ones who act the hardest when they are really the weakest.

• The smack talking tough guys who swear that they run shit when they only run their mouths.

• The ones who have so much critique for women yet cannot control their own or the ones they sleep with.

• The ones who always let their left hand know what their right hand is doing.

• The ones who think disrespect is cute.

• The ones who say something just to say something so they can look like they are in-the-know.

• The ones who cosign these behaviors.

I’ve also seen men allow their boys to spit on women, hit women, and be verbally abusive to women in front of them….and nothing is done.  I’ve even seen and heard men reveal too much of other people’s business to gain points from people who then turn around and use that info against all parties involved.

I keep hearing the term, “new niggas” being used and as much as I hate to admit it, I am starting to believe there is a new breed of men out here with no guidance or respect for themselves or women.  Who is raising these fools and why in turn are they breeding? 

And some of y’all are slipping by letting your boys slip as well.  Some say "father your daughters" and "father your sons" but I say father your home boys. They need it.

This is a problem and I’m sooooo not used to this!  I’m used to strong men…men with courage and wisdom. Men with fight and honor.  Men who will back you up and hold you down despite what may be popular or unpopular.  Men who know the differences between right and wrong, tactful and reckless. 

You sit and complain to your boys or on Social media sites about how women need to respect themselves and how some of us need guidance. Ok. Same goes for some of your messy, irresponsible, low-life, homeboys who often trade in their self-respect for new ass. Talk to’em!

So do the same for your home boys! Don’t let them slip! And your home girls deserve better as well. Stop calling  women out of their names all willy nilly while allowing your daughters, sisters, aunties and friends to fall. Because if they fail, you fail too. 

Father your sons.  Father your daughters.  Father your homeboys…MAN UP!

Please and thank you. 

CMJ