Overcoming Stage Fright When Speaking, Auditioning or Performing

Attention Actors! Here are a few ways to overcome Stage Fright when speaking, auditioning, or performing; As told by ActingCareerStartup.com, Michael Bresciani and guess who else? Meeeee...Claudia Jean:

Practice: Unless you're completely prepared, you would feel nervous and maybe even flip out on stage. So practice until you know it by heart. Make notes and read the words over and over. Practice in front of your family and your friends. Practice in front of the mirror. Watch your tone and your manners. Try different styles and patterns of speaking. It'll give you confidence so you hopefully won't flip out on stage.

Public Solitude: If you really want to get over Stage Fright, try a concept called, Public Solitude. Public Solitude is feeling comfortable in any situation, being able to block out everything around you, and focusing solely on being the character you are interpreting or on your scene partner. This exercise and acting classes in general will help you to feel more comfortable in front of people while performing.

Prayer or Meditation: If you're a believer, you can pray! If you're not...at least take time to clear your mind and meditate. A short prayer to guide you and give you the right words can't hurt. Obviously you have to do this before you speak or you might find yourself praying in the middle of your presentation for a higher being to get you out of it as quickly as possible! Do not overlook this little gem because although it seems unimportant, it can actually be what makes or breaks your performance or presentation.

Relax: Ease tension by doing exercises and stretches. Simple push-ups on the wall can work wonders but you can also do other things like practicing your smile and stretching your face muscles. Don't forget to stretch those neck muscles too. Oops did I mention deep breathing? Breathe deeply before you go in and visualize yourself being brilliant. How confident will you be while you are performing? You know your lines. You know what you have to do. You are in the character. You feel it! You can see that you feel what you are acting! You are confident and you will be brilliant. So reeeeeeeeeeeeelax!

Concentrate Only On what Your Doing or Saying: Find something to focus on in the room. If you're concentrating on some external matter, your attention is divided and everyone will see that.100% of your attention on your subject, your music or anything else leaves 0% wasted on fear, faces in the room, and nerves. It also goes without saying that you should never give too much attention to time. If you're in a hurry, it shows a lack of confidence...if you go over your time, you must be approaching expert levels in your field. Take that as an unspoken compliment.

Ask Yourself One Single Question: Before you begin speaking ask yourself one important question: Who in this entire audience could do or say what I am doing or saying? If you consider the answer very carefully you'll always arrive at the same answer which is, "few to none." The bottom line is that you have to believe that no one can say or do what you are saying or doing...so just get on with it. Waste no time on what anyone thinks. If they could do what you are doing they would be on the stage and you'd be in the audience.

Get Emotional: If your monologue doesn't move you, it won't move anyone else either. This is an inarguable rule of presentation. If you're singing your interpretation of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, pour yourself into it and saaaaaaang! If you're speaking about the habits of a wild animal in the jungle, be animated...do it with gestures and body movements! Ridiculous you say? Think again! Try it! You'll like it.

Use Humor: Not everyone is good at telling jokes and humorous stories but almost everyone knows at least one or two good ones. Nothing breaks the ice quicker than humor. If you get them laughing early, you've already invoked at least one basic human emotional response...and provoking others will be a great deal easier from then on. Think of the jokes you've heard others say recently. Pick a joke or story that's somewhat related to what you're presenting. And do NOT pick jokes that you alone think are funny. Use jokes that you've seen bringing others to a belly laugh. Use humor that has worked in the public domain. But don't overdue the humor angle because people can recognize filler material very easily.

Get Personal: You must get a rapport going with any audience on the personal level. How can you do that? Take a cue from the stand up comedian or the storyteller. They ask mundane questions and they wait for someone to answer or acknowledge it with a gesture or murmur. Where are you from, any one here from New York? Hey, does it ever stop raining here in Washington. Let me see how many of you are here tonight; if you're here raise your hand. For those of you that didn't raise your hand I have a question, where the heck are you? Sounds silly? It is! But it works.

See The Crowd As Only One Person: No science is available to prove how or why this little tool works, but be assured it will never fail. Always speak to the audience as if you were talking to only one single person. It makes them feel that you are being very personal with each individual, they can feel the difference. It shrinks the crowd on a perceptional level for you. Remember that perception is often the better part of reality. It moves the entire matter to a one-on-one. Who wouldn't admit that they are more comfortable talking to their neighbor or some stranger but not a whole crowd? Approach your performance or address as if you were doing just that and you will succeed.

Don't apologize: If you mention your nervousness or apologize for any problems you think you have with your presentation, you may be calling the audience's attention to something they may not have noticed. Keep silent. Remember...if you point to the sweat, they will see it!

Stay Positive: If you're serious about wanting to know how to get over Stage Fright and at the same time you tell yourself before you go into the audition or during any performance things like; "I hope I don't mess up, I hope I don't get nervous. I hope I don't forget anything. I hope I don't freeze in front of the group.", you are putting yourself in a position to think about what you don't want. Your imagination will go there and recreate that image of all those negative things you keep telling yourself. Your focus is on the wrong things! You wanted to know how to get over Stage Fright, so now you know what you have to do! What kinds of things will you tell yourself the next time you go into a performance or an audition? Positive things! Good things! You will give a great performance! You will be very comfortable in front of your audience! See yourself doing that. When you talk like that to yourself, you'll feel your posture change. You will stand tall with your shoulders back and chin up if you really feel it and believe it. So BE confident and FEEL confident and you will BE the best that you can be. 

Good luck and get booked! 

Compromise….A Dirty Little Sneaky Word

So is it me or do men compromise much less when it comes to who they choose as a mate? And women often settle or give in, don’t we?

Seems like more and more of my girlfriends are settling or sacrificing their wants and desires for fear of being alone, they feel pressures from society, or they get Jedi Mind-tricked into believing that if you’re a “single woman”, that means something MUST be wrong with YOU.

And what about that word COMPROMISE? I’ve met quite a few guys who don’t really do a lot of the things that I like but because they were interested, they did them with me. I’ve also met guys who were stuck in their ways and very happy! Blame it on the man/woman ratio or the fact that quite a few women accept the bare minimum. Either way, these new breed of men don’t care, will let you know, and will let you go! (Noooooooo compromise!) 

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I know so many guys who don’t partake because it’s “not their thing.” Soooooo?!?! If it’s my thing and you like me, why not participate for me and WITH me? There are men who would stay home or hang out with their boys rather than do something sweet for a woman who likes to celebrate the holiday? I’ve heard excuses from, “it’s not a real Holiday” to “it’s marketed for women.” EXACTLY! Valentine's Day + You + Lovey-Dovey Girlie mushy stuff = A happy me which then equates to a Happy YOU. Dumb Dumbs!

I dated a guy like that once but Valentine’s Day wasn’t really the issue. He had all the qualities I wanted in a man. Great physique, smarts, common interests, similar professional background…I was sold. But I found myself constantly feeling disappointed when it came to us and how nonchalant he was with his efforts. 

Here’s the thing…he assured me that he was a one-woman-guy. Wherever he said he would be…he would be there. Work came 1^st and everything else would fall into place by default…including me. I wasn’t comfortable with that but I held my tongue.Why? Because all of his other qualities out shadowed the little things that would disappoint me. (So I thought!) But the little things added up to big things and the big things eventually pushed me away. 

The 1^st time he visited; he had on street clothes, a baseball cap and came empty handed.  I asked him to remove his hat, (he said he had it on because he didn’t get his hair cut and didn’t shave.) In my head I asked, why not?  Why would you come see me for the 1^st time and NOT have your sh!t together? I didn’t even bother to ask why he came without a bottle of wine or something. Everyone was brought up differently, I guess. (Oh…that was another thought I kept only in my head.)

But I remember a time when I wouldn’t have to say anything to a guy about little things like that. They just did it! Guys paid attention to how they presented themselves to you because they wanted to make a good impression. Nowadays efforts are barely made and some don’t apologize either! It’s more like, “take it or leave it!” But when these roles are reversed, some of these men would be the 1^st to run in the opposite direction. And honestly I don’t have many male friends who compromise when it comes to women. “If she doesn’t do this or that or blah, blah, blah…she’s cut!” And my guy friends aren’t as forgiving as most women tend to be.

Well as for this particular guy, he loved to come over or have me at his house. I always had food, snacks, drinks or something going on at my house for us to enjoy while we enjoyed each other’s company. At his house…not so much. He never offered me anything and never had food because he always ate out. So the conversation (in my head) went like this, “even if you don’t cook, why not have Take-Out or bring home something if you know I’m coming over? Why not say, “hey babe…what do you want me to pick up on my way home?” 

All we did was watch movies and cuddle up on the couch. I love to do both by the way, but that’s all we ever did. So after I had enough of the same old NOTHING, I mentioned the little things that bothered me that I never mentioned to him before. His response, “I’m not that dude.”

YIKES!

“I’m not into the cutesy stuff…Cooking for you, gifts, cards, flowers, holding hands, kissing for a long time or being hugged up in public. If you are my girl, you’re my girl. I don’t like that other stuff.” Wow! How do you respond to that? He then went on to list a slew of things he doesn’t do in a relationship. ALL of which were things I felt I needed in a relationship.

Uh oh.

He doesn’t open doors, doesn’t like to go to the movies, hates bowling, didn’t like to go to events, didn’t want to be around my friends, and wouldn’t even play me in Scrabble when we were by ourselves. No Scrabble? He wasn’t an atheist but didn’t care about religion or any type of spirituality. He hates kids! He also hated the kind of music I like…he was wayyyy more into Hip-Hop than me and he didn’t understand my love for sports. Ugh!

We hit a bump in the road. (More like a wall.) He wanted me to compromise. His idea of us compromising was me just accepting who he was and being happy with it. Here was this guy, 6’4, beautiful teeth, great profession, non-smoker, no kids, single, smart, great body, wonderful sense of humor…but he didn’t like any of the relationship stuff some may find trivial while others like me find necessary.

How does one attack this particular problem? Compromise, right? There goes that dirty little sneaky word again! I can deal with the hat wearing, sometimes no haircut, and never cooking thing. Some would probably say, “be happy, Claudia! If he’s faithful and a good guy….soooooo what?”  But if you are accustomed to certain things…how much should you give up for whom appears to be Mr. Right? Fellas…same question goes to you. If she walks like Mrs. Right and talks like Mrs. Right but her actions are Mrs. Wrong…what do you do? What would you sacrifice? How much would you compromise? 

Well after his “I’m not that dude” comment, things between us started to run out of gas and the excitement I initially felt was gone. But a different feeling took its place. GUILT!  I started to feel guilty because I was losing interest in what some would call a “good catch.”  But he’s the one who said it…not me! “I’m not that dude.”

But I’m that chick though!

I like the little things. They make me hella happy! I can compromise to a certain extent but no man should make me feel like he’s the gift and I should rearrange what’s in my brain so that his ideals fit. And who’s courting whom nowadays? Women are supposed to be courted but I see US putting in the work while some men implement a bunch of seek-and-destroy missions. Then comes the break-down of  communication, tears, baggy eyes, arguments, insecurities, weight loss or weight gain and boom…another unhealthy relationship that either ends in flames or painfully proceeds. 

We must be smarter with our choices. We have to remember that the choice is ours! And don’t get me wrong…I’m not male bashing or saying that sometimes some of us, (women and MEN), can’t be too picky. We can be…and have the right to be, yes? When it comes to happiness, marriage and thoughts of kids, don’t we have the right to be with whom we really want vs. what he or she appears to be?

Well I already compromise Dammit! Don't most of us deal with men or women on a case by case basis? One person may do half of the things you enjoy while another may introduce you to a new form of relationship appreciation I’ve never experienced. Or better yet…you may meet someone who gives you EVERYTHING you want and more. 

But what should be done in the meantime? Do you suppress your feelings if you aren't fully satisfied? Do you revise your list of what you feel is the perfect mate? Do you put his or her expectations ahead of yours for a relationship that may make you resentful in the long run?  And how early is too early to start compromising? 

How about this…how about you let him be that dude he wants to be and you be that confident woman you were once happy to be without changing in order to catch him? When you compromise to a point of reducing yourself for the sake of someone else’s happiness, it’s no longer a compromise, it’s mental slavery. 

Hey...we can all use a swift kick in the bum for mistakes like these we’ve made in relationships that could have easily been avoided. But one thing is for certain…loving yourself 1^st should never be traded, negotiated or taken lightly! Don’t be afraid to walk away; and if letting him go because he is NOT that dude means you get to remain who you are…walk! There is no com-pro-mise in self-love! Say that 3 times…and believe it.

(Insert Kanye Shrug here….)

C.

You Better ACT Like You Know!

Acting is hard work and takes dedication, commitment and preparation. So if you're serious about it, there are a few things you need in order to get started. 

You ready?

Join a Professional Acting Class. You should talk to working actors about classes they attend and get recommendations from them. Ask if the acting class provides agent and Casting Director showcases, auditions, or performance opportunities. Also...sign up for "Specialty" acting classes such as Soap Opera acting, film, television and commercial acting.

Next...befriend a photographer! Get great PROFESSIONAL head shots. Great head shots will get you work and get agents and Casting Directors interested in seeing you. If you don't know a photographer, get recommendations from agents, Casting Directors and WORKING actors. Look thru magazines or on agency websites for examples of the kind of photos you'd like to take. Choose wisely and carefully. Select a photographer who's comfortable to be around and gives you plenty of time and direction. And beware of the fake photographers!

Take the classes, get professional photos...now what? 

Get an agent! And according to FilmTvCareers.About.com, "You want to start by finding someone who specializes in the area that you're hoping to break into. A talent agent that specializes in film is very different from the one who specializes in commercials. So, begin by determining which direction is best suited to you."

You'll definitely need a resume too! (Even if you don't have many acting credits.) Search the Internet for some samples or consider having a professional prepare one for you. A good acting resume includes contact info, stats (height, weight, hair color, eye color, age range, clothing size, shoe size), special skills (singing, impressions, accents, etc.), training info and a bullet breakdown of past acting experience including production name, production company and the part you played. And don't forget to double-check your resume for spelling errors before printing it on the back of your head shots.

So now you have the necessary tools...but are you ready to commit? The perfect role might not come looking for you, so do not sit around waiting! Get out there and act in everything you can. You feel me? You have to continuously seek acting roles, even if they aren't the "perfect roles" that you want. You'll become a stronger actor every time you act!

"Working as an Actor will lead to more work as an Actor."

A lot of actors NEVER reach the level they desire because they never fully commit to being an actor and let daily life get in the way. Try not to let that happen to you. If you want to act, do it. If you need help, find it. If you're ready to commit...ACT like it.


And last but not least, lets talk about...ATTITUDE!

Check your attitude! This industry is smaller than you think and NOBODY wants to work with a difficult actor. Leave that diva shit at home. The more likable and professional you are, the more acting roles that will come your way...even if you still need to work on your skills.

Patience is spent on those who deserve it...not on those who demand it. I'm saying this with love!  

So whether its acting, modeling or dancing you want to pursue, these are simple yet valuable Tips you will need to get on your way. Questions are cool but you need to LISTEN! And when you come, don't come by the pint, come by the gallon! Come prepared and correct or don't come at all. 


 That's all folks!

10 Things Casting Directors Want You To Know

Ever had an audition you knew you aced? The one that was a sure thing? All you had to do was wait for the call from the casting director confirming the booking. But the call never came and you were left wondering what the heck the casting director was looking for. I mean, you're a fantastic actor! Rather than leave you wondering what these crazy casting directors want, we picked the brains of a few on-camera auditioning experts: Meredith Jacobson Marciano, founder of Amerifilm Casting; Peter Kelley, long-time casting director and coach; and Breanna Benjamin, a director, industry veteran, and President of the Creative Talent Company. Here are the top ten things they think you should remember for your next on-camera audition!
 
1. Don't worry about the words
Forget memorizing lines. Casting directors don't care about that. Meredith Jacobson Marciano of Amerifilm Casting says, "If it's a first audition, we're surprised if you come in off book." What is expected is that you show the personality and bones of the character. "We know that the actor isn't going to be able to memorize the lines for an audition. We aren't worried," says Breanna Benjamin. "What we're looking for is the character. Encompass those things rather than being intent on the lines."

2. Ask questions -- but only if you really need to
"When we ask if you have any questions, it's only to help you get clarity if there's something in the sides that's confusing," says Peter Kelley. "Very often the best auditions come from actors who just say 'nope' and dive right in." It is your job to show up knowing all that you can possibly know about the part you are reading for. "I'm not crazy about someone who comes in and asks a million questions because often they could get the answers from their manager or agent," says Meredith Jacobson Marciano. If you're only given sides -- that should be enough. "Find out what you can ahead of time -- be prepared," says Marciano. "You don't know how many people are waiting!"

3. Listen and react
"The camera loves to watch you listen," says Peter Kelley. "Make the audition about the other person, even if the reader isn't giving you much. Don't check out or wait to act when it's not your line." Don't be afraid to let what is happening sink in a little. "In real life you internalize things," says Breanna Benjamin. "We like to see the actor think and respond. It isn't a matter of clipping off the lines."

4. Get it right the first time
You're not coming to an on-camera audition to get coached. You are there to blow them away the first time. Come prepared (know who your character is, what you want, etc.) and blow them away. "Someone who just nails it is impressive," says Meredith Jacobson Marciano. "Be on it." The guys in charge might not think you deserve a second chance. "They will think that they just saw your best the first time you did it," says Peter Kelley. "I've seen many theatre actors walk in, fire through a read and be shocked when the only response is: 'Great! Thanks.' That, in my experience, is common. Don't be a second take actor."

5. Be flexible
If you do get a second chance make the most of it. Casting directors love an actor that can take direction well. They are going to throw things at you to see how skilled you are. "If you can tell an actor to tweak something and they change it to what you want," says Meredith Jacboson Marciano, "it's great." If you don't get any direction -- don't read into it. On-camera casting takes more time than a typical theatre audition. They might be renting the equipment and paying by the hour, or they might have to change tapes, etc. There's a chance they just might be running late.

6. Know what you look like on the monitor
A skill that always impresses Marciano is when an actor instinctively (or by training) knows how to work the camera. "It's important to see someone who is aware of the camera and knows how to do what they need to do with the camera on them," says Meredith Jacobson Marciano, "Learn how to position your body and face so the best parts are seen in the right way and at the most important times." One actor (who wishes to remain anonymous due to extreme embarrassment) remembers being told by a casting director that she looked like a bobble head doll. In person, her subtle movements were fine, but on film the camera magnified them. She had to learn through practice that some natural movements were too much on tape. Borrow a camcorder and find out what everyone else sees. Just don't be overly critical.
 
7. Know where to look
"When you are watching a television show actors are not looking into a camera," says Marciano. You want to connect with something -- but often people in the room with you are walking around or looking at papers. You also don't want to maintain constant eye contact with your scene partner or reader. Let your eyes wander -- a little bit. "Practice finding a focus point just above your eyeline (when you look straight ahead) to drift off to," says Peter Kelly. "You needn't keep an eye-lock on the reader. We often look away while processing things in life, and a second focus, to allow us to watch you think, can be nice during an audition. Just don't look down. Lots of us look down to think."
 
8. They are paying attention to you
If you think you're going unnoticed, you are wrong. "When I'm watching an audition I tend to watch the monitor. I'm looking to see how the actor looks on-camera," says Marciano. No matter what happens -- never assume they're ignoring you. Sometimes auditions are filmed and the person who is ultimately responsible for making the final casting call isn't there. What they see might be a tape of your audition. So don't count yourself out if it seems like no one cares about your performance.

9. Keep the moment going
The Casting Director wants to see what you look like when you aren't talking. They want to know that you "can stay with it until it's over," says Meredith Jacobson Marciano. When you get on a television show you won't have the option of yelling "cut" -- out loud or internally -- so start practicing now. Stopping the action before you're told annoys everyone. "Often the reader will have the last line and the director is watching your reaction and wants to see how you move on with life at the end of the scene," says Peter Kelley. "It's a real buzz-kill when the actor just kind of stops as soon as they get to the end of their last line."

10. You're a person first, actor second
"People don't hire actors," says Peter Kelley. "They hire people who can act. When it's close -- and it often is -- sometimes hiring decisions have to do with the person as much as the performance." So what does that mean? "Personality. Personality. Personality," says Breanna Benjamin.

*BONUS*

Tiny tidbits of truth from the pros:

• Don't be surprised if there isn't a camera -- even if it is for TV!
• Be nice to everyone -- the receptionist might be the casting director's sister. The director might look like an intern.
• Never complain -- we are in the same air conditioning that you are in.
• Never apologize -- we don't care if you're sorry you did a bad read.
• Never blame -- the person that didn't give you the script ahead of time might be the person hiring you.
• Don't schmooze -- we hate that!
• Don't look at us like we're about to perform a root canal -- we're nice people.
• Be professional -- after all, it is a job interview.  

By Khara Hanlon
http://www.instantcast.com/LearnAbout/Articles/tv_casting

Lights. Camera. Action!

I often talk to Models & Actors about the importance of exuding confidence! That means walking tall, shoulders back, chin up, eye contact, arriving on time, smiling, staying positive, being optimistic and blah blah blah. Sounds good, right?

Nothing blows more for a Casting Director than to walk into a room filled with grimacing Talent. Negative energy doesn’t make a good audition, just as negative energy doesn’t make a good production.

Which leads me to my next point! (Insert Segue here…)

I’d like to address some of my Creatives! My Crew and Behind-the-scene peeps from Production Assistants, to the Boom, to the Director, to Hair and make-up and beyond...

*Ahem*

It is vital to the creative process that we start and end a production on the same page.

In a Perfect World, the script is perfect, the crew is perfect, the Casting is superb, the Caterer is on time, and we made it under budget.

However...

In the REAL WORLD of Television, Film, Fashion & Event Production...ain't sh*t perfect! But the show must and still goes on. You feel me?

You know how it is when wardrobe doesn't fit, the Director didn't get his coffee, we're short a PA, the van broke down, an Actor pulled out, the props don't work, the permit didn't get approved, there’s no parking, we're over budget, child actors don’t want to cooperate and cry for Mommy, and its raining during an outside scene even after Al Roker said it would be SUNNY ALL DAY!!!

How about when there's a Skeleton Crew and the Make-up artist is also a Production Assistant…and the DP, Writer, and Director are the same person?! And let's not forget the times when the food is cold and you’re working overtime and all they have to offer is PIZZA?!?! I’m sick of PIZZA! But I still eat it. You know why…because the show must go on and I can’t work on an empty stomach. You know why else? The end result can be very rewarding...and if it is about the art, the work, the project, then it will lead to a credit, or nice look for the resume, a cool clip for your reel and or a lead for your next gig.

So understand that in the imperfect world of Production we must think positively while still being prepared for the worst, because at the end of the day…the show must go on. But how do we get over the humps? The distractions, the last minute changes, the Director's quirky ways or the Actor's Diva antics?

We shoot, Nucca!

Then we go home, have a drink or 2, throw up, f**k whomever is home or willing to come over at that hour, vent on Twitter, vent some more, get ready for Post, wrap up production and prepare for the next gig.

But while we are on set, we maintain composure, we take direction, we multi-task, we put out fires, we thug it out, then hug it out, and we SHOOT!

It is so important for Crew and all Behind-the-scenes people to be on the same page...even in distress. Negativity, pessimism, attitude, SHADE, unprofessional-ism and weak stomachs can fcuk up the vibe of the entire team. Vibe breeds creativity and “Creatives” can’t vibe off of negative energy. We just can’t.

So to my dedicated, crazy, ride or die, why-did-I-pick-this-as-a-career thinking, barely living above poverty peeps in Production who stick it out time after time, budget after budget, unpaid invoice after invoice and drama after drama…I salute you. I salute us! My advice to those who may feel like you can't go on, you hate this life, you don’t like change, can’t adapt to last minute production demands and despise the "hurry up and wait" atmosphere that our industry brings…either roll with the punches, find an outlet where you can VENT, keep a journal, write a book, grind your hardest so you can make it to the level where YOU make the changes and decisions...or find another career.  But once you commit to a project, like that TV show, Pilot, Film, Fashion Show or Event and hit the Set...leave everything else behind you...breathe, smile, and just shoot!

Lights. Camera. Action Motherfcukers!

Claudia Mocha Jean
Television, Film, Print, Fashion , Docs and so much more...
When I Cast, you win!

Visionary, Artist, Motivator, Partner, Friend, Love…

The evening before I left for Jamaica to attend Dwayne’s funeral was one of the hardest nights of my life. I was trembling and felt chills. I was nervous and irritable. I couldn’t figure out what to wear or how to wear my hair. Down or in a bun? A dress or a skirt and blouse? Seems trivial, right? Then I remembered how Dwayne was there with me when my mom passed away. He was there when I couldn’t figure out what to do, what to wear and how I was going to live without her. 4 years later, the confusion, sadness, irritability, and chills had returned.

So I decided!

Hair down, a simple black dress, my purse, cell phone, passport & lots of tissue.

Air Jamaica, 6 am flight to Kingston.

I met Dwayne at the very moment I wanted to do Casting on a full-time basis. He took control of my indecisiveness and told me to go for it! I had just finished working on a show for CBS as a Casting Assistant and couldn’t decipher where to go from there. I knew that I enjoyed working with models and actors but couldn’t determine if branching out on my own was the right thing to do. Dwayne made the decision for me and encouraged me to take a leap of faith! He designed my logo, website, created my mission statement, came up with a strategy and became my business partner...and also my boyfriend.

And that’s what made things crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrazy!

We had THE most dramatic, crazy, baby mamma issue related, intense, loving, psycho, poetic, life-changing relationship I've ever had in my entire life. He brought the best and worst out of me but none-the-less, he made an incredible impact.

Over the years we did the back and forth, break-up-to-make-up, no longer speaking, get back together, don’t ever call me again, you make me sick, let’s keep it JUST business, I miss you thing. I forgave him for so many things but after a couple of years began keeping my distance. I limited our communication because although there was more good than bad that came out of our relationship, the negativity and drama that came along was overwhelming.  

He hurt me…but I loved him! I know he loved me too. He was gentle but honest to a fault. As for our professional relationship, we did Castings together and he gave me my 1st professional digital camera. But normally, he’d shoot the models and I conducted the interviews & facilitated the Castings. He eventually took a real interest in how I handled everyone who wanted to audition for something we were working on. So I decided to show him the way and had him interview some potential candidates for hosting, documentaries and quite a few pilot shows. He was a natural and made people feel comfortable while I played the part of camera-man or photographer.

He also introduced me to a different Miami and connections I would have never known or made had I not met him. He was a genius and visionary and wanted me to win when it came to Casting. And we were winning! Everywhere we went folks called me, Chocolate Gurl Happy and called him, Casting Boy Wonder. He even created email addresses to match our newly found personas and had models walking around South Beach in our Tee-shirts. But the personal relationship became unhealthy and began to damage us professionally. It wasn't until recently when we put it all on the table and spoke candidly about EVERYTHING that I forgave him and forgave myself for carrying so much resentment towards him.

Even though I never saw us being together as a couple again, I expected that our newly found respect for each other & his respect for me specifically would have created a new relationship...A restoration of our professional partnership followed by a rebirth of a friendship previously tarnished by outside influences, lack of appreciation, unforeseen drama & ourselves. Now with his death I can't help but reminisce and think about the “what if's” and a bunch of “shoulda coulda wouldas!” But I’m not alone, right? These are thoughts that would run thru many minds of people who've experienced a great loss. But I also felt a bit of resentment...AGAIN!

That's the last thing I want feel at this time! But I'm human and with good memories come the bad. And the irony is that all the things I see my girlfriends do nowadays, (which is basically acting a FOOL over a man), I did over Dwayne. From checking his voicemail messages to “checking” chicks...to arguing with his daughter’s mother to arguing in public…I did it! It was a relationship possessed and the intensity was too grown-up for me. I wasn't prepared.

I used to blame him for everything but the truth is…it was the both of us who lost focus. We were 2 very emotionally irresponsible people who should have concentrated on a friendship. There is such a thing as moving too fast and or doing too much and we both did that. But we forgave each other. I forgave him. We started fresh and he even wrote me a THANK YOU letter for teaching him about the importance of solidarity, loyalty, and love. I was moved.

August 2010:

“You helped me to realize my potential. I dunno if that would be the exact correct way of saying what I wanted to say but basically, you made me realize a lot of thing about myself in terms of business, personality, relationship and more. I really appreciated the motivation and drive and support that you gave to me and I realized that is something I definitely need from the person I'm in a relationship with. Up to this day, I would tell anyone that I loved that about you (even though you get a little intense sometimes, but hey, that comes with passion.) Also, you gave me a lesson in loyalty, faithfulness and kindness. I can honestly say that I respect that about you. I wish I was able to embrace everything in a more positive way but sometimes space and time helps to understand situations better. Lata. Dwayne. ”

So no matter how angry I would get, he would never go too far. And no matter how many times I would ignore his calls or not respond to an email, he never stayed disconnected. Even with Social Media Networking he kept up with what I was doing. I called him “nosy” but he said he just “cared too much.” He would post anonymous comments on my blog then send me a message later congratulating me and asking why I didn’t write more often. Wow! I had my very own Cheerleader who was proud of me and I’m eternally grateful that he saw something I didn’t initially see in myself.

So thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Dwayne O’Neil Kirk Nelson!

• Thank you for talking to me in Jamaican Patois even though I’m Haitian.
• Thanks for taking me to “Uptown” parties & dancing with me even though you claimed you didn’t dance.
• Thanks for introducing me to the folks at Cooyah.  
• Thanks for having Buju sing "Love Sponge" to me backstage at a show.
• Thanks for all the Castings we did together!  
• Thanks for calling even when you knew I wouldn’t pick up.
• Thanks for the last voicemail message you left me, singing that silly “My Girl! Pick up ya phone” song. LOL! (Thank God AT&T is allowing me to re-save it over and over and over again.)
• Thank YOU for YOU!

Visionary, Artist, Motivator, Partner, Friend and Crazy Love…

Rest in Peace.

Mocha

Who'd Want To Be Here?

I used to be afraid to die...but now, not so much. No this isn't a suicide note...this is me being 100% honest with the disgust and disdain I feel for the Human Race. I'd like to remain that person who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt until they do something to prove otherwise...but my faith in humanity is diminishing. And its not about taking life for granted...its about taking God for granted.

God gave us Free-will and time after time after time the Human race has gone against all that is good and pure to try and prove that we don't need him....We run this, huh? But in actuality it was a test and we are failing miserably.

I don't think the gift of Free-will was given for people to run-a-muck all over the place...killing, robbing, stealing, lying, not praying & trying to play tough-guy by handling things on their own. As a result we live in a world of disease, natural disasters, selfishness, violence, crime, hunger, abuse & ignorance. Do you think life as we know it is supposed to be this way? This isn't what he had in mind.

Days after my mom passed away, my sister said the one cliche that once made me sick to hear...but now I get it and see clearly what it means and what she meant, "Mommy is in a better place." I hated her for saying that! How could my mother be happier in Heaven rather than being here with me...here with us...here with her grandchildren and friends and other family who loved and valued her so much???

Bullshit!

But now I get it! Who the fuck would want to be here? Maybe it's a better living situation in Heaven, no? To be seated with God knowing that no harm would ever come your way. Fresh air, no taxes, no domestic violence! Disease free, no politics from politicians with hidden agendas...and no bad music. How about no police brutality and "not guilty" verdicts bringing no comfort to loved ones who suffer great losses while others walk free to kill again, hurt again, thieve again. No unexplainable Cancer that causes you to deteriorate before your loved ones. No wanna-be gangstas robbing you for a cell phone and what you may have in your wallet, who STILL decide to take your life away from your daughter, mother, brother & friends.

It must be nice there cause it ain't nice here! I have no choice but to believe it! No stress. All love. No tears. No pain. Just a bunch of HAPPY souls waiting on us to get there...

So who'd want to be here?

RIP Mommy. RIP Papi. RIP Esco. RIP Grand-mere. RIP Dwayne.

Until we meet again...