Dating in New York City...a Casting Story.

Soooooooooooooo...

I'm working on a relationship show and I'm starting to get "the sads."

1st of all, just on a presentation and Casting note...if you're submitting photos while trying to find love, you reeeeeeally shouldn't send in mean mugging pics. Yes, I do realize that NY is THE mean-mugging capitol of the world, but you get more with honey than vinegar! How do you expect someone to be remotely interested if you look like you want to fight?

  

...but back to my sadness. :(

  

Seems like many many many women have the same dating woes in NY. I'm talking about fabulous, fly, friendly, successful and ready for love women. But it's the same story! No matter what age...younger and older, these men they encounter do not want relationships. They want sex. JUST sex.

And there are levels to these same sad and common NY dating stories! These men wait until after sex to tell them know that they only want sex or they wait until it feels like a relationship to say they only wanted sex. Seems like the guys don't care if the woman ends up hurt or hating them...sex is their only want and need.

Soooo...even when these women are clear, it doesn't end up in a long term committed monogamous relationship. And talking to these women in person and on the phone has me stressed because I'm sure that the problem CAN NOT be all on them. Can it? Then on top of that, these women have been single on an average of 3-5 years! 3 to 5 years SINGLE? 

Whyyyyyyyyy?

  

With so many men and women in NY, I refuse to believe that single life is the only option. However...One observation may support that notion: A lot of NY men don't know how to court or date. Observation #2: A lot of NY men don't know how to talk to women nicely.

Y'all are a little rough around the edges!!!!!

  

And I'm not just talking about men who may appear rough on the exterior! I'm talking to the Pretty Boy Floyds too. Yeah, you! Be nice!

Not sure what the psychology is behind the behavior but if you want nice, shouldn't you be nice? Where does talking down to women get you? If you want a nice woman that you don't plan on "ruining," shouldn't you be nice to her?

Then there are men who you have to remind that we are women. Ugh! I think some get so comfortable or are so used to the slick talking, fast talking NY hustle and grind mentality that they forget that tone matters.

How you speak to me is a reflection of how you feel about me.

  

Now back to the women I've been interviewing. Beautiful, some without kids, kind, nurturing, selfless, fun, great backgrounds and upbringings...SINGLE! Sooooo many! And the stories are the same!  

Is NY the roughest hardest place to date? Is it the culture? What about Black women vs White women vs non-American women? Which group is the loneliest in NYC?

As a Haitian woman who is strong and fearless in the field but submissive/nurturing at home...in my opinion, I think NY is a hateful place when it comes to romance. NY is not built for romance! Waaaaaait...let me explain!  Aesthetically, it is the most romantic place ever! Between restaurants, Plays, Museums, novelty shops for the most original gifts, parks, Historic venues, Art, outdoor activities and Groupon...NY is the SHIT! There is too much going on for Romance not to be found or developed. Shit is motivational. You can fall in love with the idea of NY. 

However!

Fundamentally...NY is too rough for romance. Too slick. Too casual. Too nonchalant. Unapologetic. Drama filled. Loud. Rude. Selfish! Even the Homeless are elitists! Dudes won't hold doors, give up seats on trains, move out of a woman's way on side walks, hail you a taxi, or walk with you on the street. Yes...that last one is a Pet Peeve of mine till death! If we are going somewhere together, why are you walking ahead of me? And dudes don't even invite you out in NY. They want to meet up or better yet...Tweet up! Oh.

 So if you are missing the basics, how can NY Romance strive? 

 ...and then there are the women in NY like the ones I'm interviewing who oblige. Oy! And if they're not obliging in that way, they're playing the role of the man. Desperation maybe? Loneliness? Fatigue? Or are you trying to raise men whose father's didn't? Paying for dinners, always the inviter, holding doors open, 1st to call or text, all while still being the nurturing feminine woman?

This project low key has me depressed! Shaaaaaaaaaaaaat! Pardon me, NY, but what happened to: Do you like me? Circle yes or no? What happened to talking, building, learning each other, courting and romance? 

Is this city about that romance life or are you only good enough as a backdrop for romantic films?

Let me find out NY is only good on paper!

Listen...Whether you agree or disagree, hate my metaphors and similes or are clapping along like I'm preaching in church, these stories and experiences are out there and are not unique. I don't have the answers, you feel me? I only can give my opinions based on experience, observations and what's being told to me in these interviews. My only wish is that we can talk about it, be honest about what we want and don't, be a bit flexible, find a happy medium, and take advantage of everything New York City has to offer...together. 

CMJ

Dear John...I mean, Text

Dear Text Message…

Hey, you.  Got a minute?  There are some things on my mind and I don’t know how to say this but it needs to be said.  I realize that this isn’t your preferred method of communicating but I have to do what’s best for me, what’s best for us, what’s best for those who know us both, and honestly...this isn’t working.

I think we should go our separate ways.

I’m not going to lie and say it’s not you, it’s me…because it truly is YOU.  Now it’s not all on you, but those who use you to communicate with me have not done you justice and it’s making me resentful in the process.  I understand that you don’t have total control of how people handle you and sometimes abuse your convenient ways…but something has got to give.  I’m at a point where everything about you annoys me, sometimes angers me and even has me questioning my own sanity and values.  I say all that to say…I can’t do this with you anymore.  

 NOPE!

I should have stuck to my guns in the beginning when I never had you.  Remember those days?  People would constantly push you on me, side eye me for not using you, question my carrier service, beg me to try you just once.  I even wrote a blog about dating and you.  “Do you want to date me or Text me?”  That was a good one!  And I stood my ground for the longest.  It was hard explaining to loved ones, friends and colleagues why you and I didn’t make sense, but it wasn’t about all of them…it was about me and you. 

I never fell for your charm and easily accessible ways because I preferred the more personable route.  While you serve quickies and resolutions in a NY Minute, I was looking for more of a commitment…sometimes a paper trail, other times more details in one email or a quick phone call rather than what 30 annoying back-to-back messages in a row would provide.  When folks would get upset about tone, I preferred to call so they could hear me and my words, my inflection, my enthusiasm, happiness or lack thereof. 

But it wasn’t easy avoiding you all this time; and some of the rewards have been great.  However… I’ve gotten the chance to get to know people and get a better understanding of how they feel by just listening vs. reading what they’d have to say.  Even voice mail messages have improved from people who claim they normally did not do that…but once they realized how easy it could be and how quickly I’d respond, they’d oblige and continue that method without much pressure or pain.

I can’t say the same for you though!  I stepped out of my comfort zone, joined the masses, and decided this past Summer to try you out.  I have never been the type to adhere to peer pressure or subscribe to “what’s hot in these streets,” but I also didn’t want to be like that dated and out-of-style person you’d see in the club who doesn’t know the latest and greatest fashion or dances.  

I was so hesitant at first because I knew that once we started, others would follow and I might lose that personal touch I worked so hard to gain. Nevertheless, I decided to take a chance and almost 6 months later…I’m ready to let you go.

Now don’t get me wrong…you most definitely have a use.  I’ve had THE funniest and sometimes heartwarming convos via you. I couldn’t believe it myself!  Me? Miss Anti-Text!?!  I’ve been so Pro-phone call all this time that I didn’t realize I was changing, conforming…turning into those I’ve criticized and avoided because all they do is TEXT. And you’ve come in handy on many occasions when only quick and short communication has been necessary.  Lovely ETA updates,  nice hello and good night messages, phone number/email/address exchanges, smiley faces after a message has gone wrong…only to make it right, XOXOs from my nieces, jokes from friends, and naughty exchanges between me and HIM.  Ahhhh…good times. 

But what about the not-so-good-times?  We already know about the car accidents, deaths, and screen-cap tragedies that end up on Social Media, right? 

And how about when you are in the middle of a text convo, a juicy one, and HIM or HER leave you hanging? By the time they text back, you're just skin and bones...

But there have also been misinterpreted messages, misread tone, unnecessary awkward silences after receiving or sending something to the wrong person, awkward silences while waiting on a response to something personal or deep that we’ve shared and hope isn’t shared with others, and halted movements at the hands of those who have information needed in order for us to make our next move…literally.  You know how crazy it looks to be waiting on you JUST so I can leave or arrive?  And sometimes you don’t come until the next day!  So what happens next is resentment, anger, distrust, saltiness and…the lies.

 YUP!

So many have lied on you so they wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences.  Mind you, these are most likely THE SAME ones who rely on you so heavily that you wouldn’t know what their actual hands look like!  All you see is the phone and heads down. But that doesn’t stop them from using you as a scapegoat, does it?  I didn’t get the Text.  My phone died.  I didn’t have service.  The connection was bad.  I was in a dead spot.  I didn’t see it till this morning.  You sent a Text?  When?  I didn’t know you needed a response.

See…I can only deal with so much.  Not that everyone is lying on you but if there are constant issues with you AND the common denominator is YOU…then YOU have to go.  Sorry.

Maybe we can be friends?  I don’t want to completely lose you…especially since so many people are fond of you.  You’re not all bad!  It’s just that some people don’t know a good thing when they have it and end up spoiling it for the rest of us.  So let’s make a deal.  I won’t ignore you COMPLETELY, dismiss you, or disable you. But I will not be able to use you like I have been for the past few months.  Only for quick exchanges, an occasional hello or check in, and ETA/I’ve arrived updates for sure. Maybe. Cool?

But some of these periodically deep, sometimes critical, ever so often snappy, uncertainly misunderstood, randomly random, impersonally personal, awkwardly silencing Text messages need to end…today and now.

I know you don’t agree with me and I’m sorry if this hurts you.  That certainly is not my intention.  I just wanted to be woman enough to admit that this method really isn’t my thing and I was doing it mostly for everyone else and not for me.  I hope you understand and respect my decision.

Call me…

CMJ

The Problem with Please and Thank You…

Soooooo....the problem with Please and Thank You is…there is no problem with them!  The problem is YOU!  Okay maybe not you, per se…but it’s the spoiled, the rotten, the selfish, the “too comfortable”, and the elitist. Yup…I said it!  The ELITIST…those who are so used to getting what they want that they forget who, what, when, where, and why they received the blessings in the 1st place.

All uh dem!

For some reason people forgot their manners and decided that, pleasantries are no longer required in business and personal life.  But Please doesn’t suffer as much as Thank you though!  Oh no!  Thank you is almost taboo, non-existent, a “Lockness Monster” or “Bigfoot” that you hear about and read about but only comes out when no witnesses are around.

Now some may say that when it comes to business, the check should be Thank you enough…touché!  However, we don’t always receive monetary compensation when conducting business.  Sometimes we are networking, connecting dots, forwarding helpful articles, bartering, giving advice, or congratulating someone on a job well done.

Guess what’s supposed to come next?  Thank you!  It’s bad enough we rely on smart phones and social media…but do we have to lose common courtesies too?

You mean to tell me that the newest and trendiest thing out right now is to take without acknowledgement?  Receive without appreciating?  Benefit without giving back?  Accept without saying a motherfucking THANK YOU?

So what if we nice people decided to flip it?  A wise person told me TUH DAY, “as soon as a person stops thanking you…that’s when you stop. “  What do you think?  Is this good advice?  But I don’t want to change who I am because you don’t have manners…you feel me?  And as a person who gives and gives and sometimes doesn’t receive the same type of efforts, encouragement, hook-ups, or niceness in return, AT MINIMUM, I'd appreciate and expect a Thank You. 

Yes, you read correctly…I used the word, EXPECT.  People say that you should give without expecting anything but I call, bullshit!  We should definitely give because we want to, because we can and/or out of the kindness of our hearts…but I don’t know many or anyone who wouldn’t want to be acknowledged or thanked.  Now of course I’m not talking the about the Saints who live among us and the good anonymous Samaritans who do good things and vanish without a trace.  I am talking about the average person…those who we communicate with, work with, talk to, like, and love.

You’re making it harrrrrrrrrrd on us who want to do good things because we want to do good things!  And I don’t know if it’s because you’re living in a bubble, too busy or too oblivious to realize it.  But, without a simple thanks, you suck the positive energy out of that gesture that was made just for you. You also can make a person feel like your undeserving of said gesture and any future ones that may have had your name on them.

So listen here!  Next time someone does something nice for you, says something nice to you, or because of you…say, Thank you.  

It should roll off your tongue with ease.  Think of it as dessert after a well-cooked meal or that unexpected check you received after doing a good job.  You thank God, you thank your credit card for working when you get to the register after you've OD'd at Target…you even thank Hollywood writers you’ve never met after something good comes on your TV! So go ahead…thank your friend for that advice, your co-worker for picking up your slack, that person who complimented you on your outfit of the day, your Follower for leaving a comment on your blog,  your homie who just wanted to check on you, your family for putting up with you, your colleague for those tickets, that associate for the referral, and him or her for being that shoulder to cry on or ear to vent to when things may not go your way.  Don’t forget those you pray for you and the ones who cheer for you.

Thank them.  Now thank me.

...and Thanks for reading.

CMJ

Do You Want To Date Me Or Text me?

In response to @DrJayJack's SingleBlackMale.org post, "I Hate Talking On The Phone," I had to remix and run this blog post back...

Listen!

Let me get right to the point. I’m not a huge fan of text messaging. I don’t hate it, but it’s not my preferred method of communication. I use it when I can’t talk but I don’t use it to replace conversation or to conduct business. So if I’m busy and I MUST text back…I say it in quick text. I also may send a phone number or an address…give a quick update or eta…let someone know to check an email…let someone know I’ve arrived or tell someone my location in a party or at a game so they can find me.

I don’t have issues with informative texts like that because they are simple and to the point. Sometimes you can add a little smiley face to make it more personable or an LOL to ease the tension but otherwise…I don’t want to recap the entire night or give you a list of who showed up over text.

Bizreport.com reports that the average U.S. mobile phone subscriber now sends and receives more text messages than voice calls. Included in the research are typical U.S. teenagers who send and receive over 1,700 text messages per month.

So does this mean we should all keep up with what seems to be the “hip” and technologically savvy thing to do? Or are we falling behind when it comes to creating, developing and nurturing relationships?

Or are we just too busy to talk?

With Facebook, Twitter and other Social Media websites and Apps, it seems to me that people don’t want to talk! And God forbid someone calls you and you don’t pick up! Oy! Nowadays people won’t leave you a voice mail message but expect you to scroll thru your missed call log just in case none of your new calls bumped them off the list. But wait…what if they aren’t on the missed calls log? How would one know you called?

What annoys me even more is when someone texts me and I don’t reply…they then decide not to call only assuming that I got the text. So you don’t call? So instead of the inviting me over the phone or verbally telling me the story you were dying for me to hear…you send a text…wait 9 days then curse me out for not returning your text?

And what about when it comes to dating? I guess it all depends on how you met the person, right? Or doesn’t it? What are the new rules of communication when it comes to dating or being in a relationship? If you start off texting and I reply, does that mean I’ve given you license to never call me? I know a girl who NEVER spoke to the guy she was dating on the phone. Only time she heard his voice was when they saw each other. I have another friend who convinced herself that it’s easier to communicate with a guy thru text. Her words, “I learn more about guys via text messaging because most of the time they hold back on the phone.” I’m still laughing at one friend who used to swear by it but then after getting disappointed by her habitual texting male friends…she decided that enough was enough. Welcome Home, Liris :)

I’m not saying any of this is false nor am I co-signing it. I’m saying that sh*t doesn’t work for me…PERIOD. I tolerate it to a certain extent but yes, babe...I want to hear your voice. I did some research and found that I’m not alone.

ANONYMOUS 1: I HATE it when guys text me after I give them my number. It’s not a deal breaker but it does seem to send a message that either says he has few social skills, no courtesy, or no time. (Often all 3.) Once I've known him a bit I don't mind it, and actually often prefer it, but at first it’s kind of a put off.
ANONYMOUS 2: I rather talk to you than text you. Calling and talking is like a sign of confidence in my book. I broke up with a girl because all she did was text me even after we kind of gotten to know each other. I don't want to have an important conversation over text. And what if I didn’t get the text? Then what? You going to stare at the phone?
ANONYMOUS 3: Text if you're in a loud club and unable to hear and need to get in contact, but other than that, let her hear your voice.
ANONYMOUS 4: It's good to know that some people still believe in calling and I really think it’s a sign of sincerity. But seems like some people these days just rather do texting. But whatever. I'll play their stupid little game. Perhaps calling and talking has become an old fashioned thing, but something we still need to practice.
ANONYMOUS 5: My 15 year old niece is on a family plan with me. She has about 2800 text messages a month and uses very little phone time. She said that none of her friends email or call. They text and contact each other on Facebook.
ANONYMOUS 6: A guy that sends texts instead of making that initial call is a coward in my book. I'm not a phone person so I keep it short and sweet, but effort counts with me. Some idiot once kept messaging, trying to get ME to call HIM. Needless to say, I stopped responding after the 4th text and he was left wondering why. But he never called. Loser.
ANONYMOUS 7: A lady appreciates the extra effort it takes to text her…and being able to forward it to all her friends so they can laugh at the sender. LOL!
ANONYMOUS 8: I like the personal call. I'm just old school like that, but my peeps know I'm at work 60+ hours a week so they Text me most days and I sent a Voice file back. But if I were a personal with a normal 40 hr/week job, I'd expect you to be calling me and leaving clever little messages.
ANONYMOUS 9: Texting rather than calling seems to be a frequent phenomenon. If a girl can't be bothered to actually call me, though, I don't take her seriously and won't contact her again.
ANONYMOUS 10: If all else fails, grow a damn pair! Communicate with her how you damn feel like it and hopefully you’ll do it by calling. If that doesn’t match her ridic preferences, screw it, you keep going. Just do you. Any girl that is annoyed because you didn't ascertain the correct cryptic phone/texting ratio is not the one for you. Keep moving on. But if you like her that much and are interested enough to stress over this, call her. Why text her if she wants a call? You won’t get her that way. Idiot.
ANONYMOUS 11: Yeah what a habit....texting instead of calling. Sometimes text messages are not reliable, because sometimes we don't get them right away.
ANONYMOUS 12: Here’s an honest answer for you, folks who text don’t want to talk to you. If they like you like that, they will call.
ANONYMOUS 13: I used to talk to this one girl and because I wanted to try and be more gentlemanly, I would call her instead of texting. But most of the time she would not pick up and text me back like 30 mins later and start a convo there. WACK.
ANONYMOUS 14: Real men don't JUST text.
ANONYMOUS 15: I love the random texts to let me know he's thinking about me. But when it's time to catch up on our day or plan to see each other, I want to talk. Why is that bad?
ANONYMOUS 16: Late night texts are the best. I love sexting and her cute hello messages but I'm no dummy! I know she wants to hear my voice and I love how she sounds all happy and shit when I call. I can hear her smiling. So I make time to call.
ANONYMOUS 17: Texting made me hate talking but I still call because I know she wants me to. We do more over text but I can tell the difference when we talk. She likes it.
ANONYMOUS 18: Grown men don't talk on the phone? LOL. Grow up!
ANONYMOUS 19: I love to text and I love to talk on the phone. We can do both.
ANONYMOUS 20: There's no guarantee that I'll get your text, email, facebook or tweet. Call me.

And yes…these are answers from real people!
 
Now looka here...I’m not reprimanding anyone for their preferred method of communicating. I’m just sharing my thoughts. I don’t know how close we can get over text messaging but I guess one can say the same thing about Facebook and Twitter..unless you send DMs...ummm hmmm.

But it gives you the excuse not to ever pick up the phone, right? And you can send out mass Holiday shout outs with one text. And Facebook tells you when your friend’s birthdays are coming up so now you don’t even have to send out a card. When was the last time you got a birthday card in the mail? Thank GOD I still do. But I sent out a card to a habitual texter and he didn’t even call to say, thank you. He sent a text though ;)

TTYL!

CMJ

Dating: The New Hustling Backwards

I've participated in 4 conversations with 4 different friends in the past week about the same damn thing and it's scary! Yes, SCARY because it appears that the current way of "dating" is the new wave and quickly devaluing any type of traditionalism we either were brought up on or have seen in movies. Yeah...movies are somewhat superficial, but there's nothing wrong with wanting and maybe even expecting the nicer side of dating. It's not all make-believe! There was a time when people consistently went on dates, held hands, talked on the phone, and naturally progressed into full fledged romantic relationships. But ready or not...this new thing, this nonchalant thing, this casual unchivalrous and emotionally detached thing is what's turning into the norm.  We don't date anymore! And we also don't have the patience for feelings. Ouch! So what do we do? We just go with a bullshit flow that one party is happy with while the other suffers in silence.

And silence is deadly! Stress can kill you quicker than any Cancer; and being miserable in a faux relationship is a Cancer in itself. But in addition to just sucking it up, there are additional risks you take when NOT complying with this new way of romancing, sans the romance of course. You run the risk of scaring off whomever your faux suitor is because if what you want isn't what he wants, he'll leave you with your face on the floor, heart on your sleeve, a huge chip on your shoulder, bags under your eyes...and ALONE.  You don't want to lose a friend, but what kind of friend forces your hand when it comes to interests of the heart?

But I'll get back to all that...let's talk about the basics.

We're either doing the "meeting up" thing or "coming over to chill" thing...but there is no substance. What happened to actual dating activities that would cause you to put away your cell phone and get to know each other? We don't do that anymore? What about talking? Are we still JUST Texting? Out of all the things we can do, bowling, bike riding, dinner, lunch, the movies, long drives, nice walks, Broadway plays, visits to a museum, amusement park trips, a day at the beach, etc., you mean to tell me all you want to do is "meet up" at a bar for drinks or just come over the house?

And what comes 1st now...the date or sex? Nowadays it seems like it's, let's have sex 1st THEN figure out if we like each other. Or, let's have sex but after sex let me let you know that I'm not looking for a relationship and I hope you can understand that.

WAIT! Then whyyyyyyyyyyyy have sex? Whhhhhhhhhhhat is going on?

Well let me address the latter part because it seems like a lot of my peeps are experiencing the same plays from the same book that some guys seem to rehearse over and over to a point where they believe the bullshit they're selling women. Yeah, you dick-heads disguised as Nice Guys...YOU!

You say you enjoyed the sex but are not ready for a relationship is saying, (how can I say this politely), that we are good enough to fuck but not anything else.

Not putting words in your mouth but for some women it's not a black and white clear cut issue. It's much deeper and could be less complicated if some men used empathy and understood the bigger picture.

There is no goal to be: just a FUCK. Who aspires to be JUST that?  And you can add all the sugar, spice, everything nice and all the flowery words you want, but no matter how you say it...if all you wanted was sex with nothing else and you convey that AFTER sex transpired...it stings BADLY, it's not cool, and unfortunately is something that can rarely be negotiated.

1st of all, we shouldn't have to negotiate but when the decision is made for us in such an early part of the game, it leaves no room for anything else to be decided.

How can one decide off the bat that you don't want anything else? How does one take away the option before an option has presented itself? No growth, no natural progression, no possibility for anything else but a "good friendship" with an open invitation for more rounds of sex? UGH.

And here is how we save face so that we don't appear wounded or flip out and show you the CRAZY we don't want you to see. We either smile and accept the lower tier level of a relationship that never was because we don't want to lose all of you, or we get mad and end the friendship that probably never was because friends don't do each other like that. You feel me?

And don't get me wrong, fellas...Yes we like sex just as much as you do. YES we most likely want to have sex with you, when you do, all the time. STILL. Like now. Yes.

However...

It's very hard to separate the 2...you know, sex AND emotions. And it would be different if an option were given....but from what I'm noticing, it's no options-just sex, an occasional Text, and mayyyybe an invite to an event where it won't be just the 2 of you...take it or leave it! And I don't see many women leaving it...which goes back to what I was saying before. There's a high risk in being honest, right? You may end up singing, "I can do bad all by myself" and be left by your damn self! Lonely, horny but honest with him and yourself.  Which can lead to other annoying sayings that come at the wrong and right time...at the same damn time. You know the cliches! "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to," and my favorite backfiring notable quotable, "honesty is the best policy."

*Deep sigh*

But we can't get mad at honesty, right? Though it stings like a bee, it's far worse to be lied to. But not revealing your intentions upfront is just as bad as a lie and some men are hurting the wrong caliber of women. Not everyone has ill intentions, likes "bad boys" or is a gold digging, Reality show lifestyle living, connoisseur of ratchet, and/or an aficionado of ignorant behavior. And not everyone deserves the same treatment, speeches, games being played or lack of empathy.

So how can everyone be happy? Is there a happy medium? Is compromising actually compromising yourself? How do we get back to substance, dating, liking each other, talking, spending face to face time and yes...sex too?

Is it really so bad to date or is dating the new hustling backwards?

No I don't have the answers but let's start the dialogue.

Go...

CMJ